What the hell’s going on here? The Chiefs, with new head coach Romeo Crennel, took down the Packers for their first loss of the season. The Titans became the NFL’s laughing stock by losing to the previously winless Colts. Then the Colts won again on Thursday, beating the Texans, and effectively making the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes a three-team race. And with all the unexpected performances last week (Washington beating the Giants, Philadelphia crushing the Jets, both Baltimore and Pittsburgh falling), the NFL playoff picture becomes even more complicated. It’s definitely been a cold week in the land of H-E-double hockey stick.
Let me start off by apologizing for the crappy blogs lately. I just haven’t had the energy to write complete posts. You know how it is this time of year. Everyone’s in a rush. The kids are all bitching about Tickle Me Elmo and Pokemon and whatever the hell else they’re crying about. Johnson from accounting is breathing down your neck. Traffic’s a nightmare. You gotta cook 87 pounds of food for all the family coming over. AND THOSE DAMN PRESENTS STILL HAVE TO BE WRAPPED.
Now to the football. Let’s talk about fantasy. shirts vs. blouses was no match last week for the all-powerful Gay Landscaper squad. The Landscapers beat SVB and their crew of flunkies by fifty. And after two losses to NiggerBook in the regular season, the third time was finally the charm for Hater of the Year. The Haters advance to the championship, even though they’re limping in, as the team has been decimated by injury. In the consolation, Red Balls and Samuel Jackson Beer were both victorious. Nobody cares.
So this week decides it all. Gay Landscaper and Hater of the Year will duke it out for the championship and top bragging rights during the offseason. NiggerBook and shirts vs. blouses will decide who can call their season a wash (since they’ll win back their $25 entry fee). And the consolation matchups (Red Balls vs. Samuel Jackson Beer, The Only Girl Here vs. I’m Rick James Bitch) will determine the much-coveted fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth draft slots for next season. Here’s some motivation for everyone.
Now the NFL. I’ll try to say a quick thing about each game. And begin. Patriots clinch a first-round bye with a win against the Dolphins. Oakland and Kansas City are fighting in the wide open AFC West. Vikings take themselves out of the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes with a win over the Redskins. No one cares about Carolina and Tampa Bay, but maybe Cam Newton will score some more rushing touchdowns. Tennessee will try to bounce back against Jacksonville after becoming Indianapolis’ first victim. Baltimore can stay in the driver’s seat in the AFC North with a win against Cleveland. THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK (in New Jersey)! Roethlisberger could probably beat the Rams by himself while sitting on the bench. Arizona and Cincinnati are both still alive in the playoff race. Tebow can produce a Christmas miracle and guide the Broncos to a playoff spot with some help. Chargers/Lions could be the most intriguing game this week since both teams need the win. The Niners go to the toughest stadium in the NFL to try to wrap up the number two seed. All I want for Christmas is a Dallas win. The Packers should rebound against the awful Bears. And the last Monday Night game is a doozy, with New Orleans and Atlanta jockeying for position in the NFC South.
That takes care of the football. Here’s all the other stuff.
J&R’s Pizza Celebrity Customer picks: Ken Stewart takes Pittsburgh -10.5. Michael Cummings takes Philadelphia +1. Boiler Bill takes Miami +8.5. James Varano’s Dad takes the New York Giants +3. I promise there will be full picks with stories in next week’s post.
Let’s see. What else? Pick’em league current top five are John, Jen, Jess, Greg, and Wayne. My mom has fallen into sixth place. She’s a darkhorse to come back and win it all. The survivor pool second place battle could finally come to an end today. Anthony’s pick of Houston did not come through this week, so if Washington beats Minnesota, Jeff takes second place.
Here’s some seasonal Chappelle.
And if you want some seasonal music, I’m really digging this clip.
And there’s always this classic.
And that’s all I got. I need to shower and get ready for the Christmas Eve festivities. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. And, of course, HAPPY FESTIVUS!
I try to write my blog without a personal bias to my teams, but after what happened last week, I need just a momentary lapse.
Begin rant.
Let’s start with the Cowboys. What the fuck Dallas? What the fuck? You were up 34-22 against the Giants with five minutes to go in the game and you blow it. As my cousin Joe would say, that game should have been in the bag. A win would have essentially locked up the division title. But no. Of course, you guys like to make things as difficult as possible. Why take a two-game lead when you can just be even with the Giants? And everyone who wants to blame Tony Romo for this loss needs to update their argument. Romo isn’t the problem folks. It’s that goddamn defense. Sure, if Romo and Miles Austin could have connected on that third down pass, the game would have been over, but as a defense, your only goal is to prevent your opponent from scoring. And the Dallas defense failed. Miserably. NBC put up a stat after the game that said it all. From 1960 to 2010, the Cowboys only lost twice after holding like a ten-point lead in the fourth quarter (I don’t remember the exact number). You know how many times they’ve lost with the same circumstances this season. Three times. THREE TIMES. THREE FUCKING TIMES. I’m looking at you and your absurdly large stomach, Rob Ryan.
Now let’s go to my fantasy team. The planets aligned last week. I (Red Balls) beat my brother (Wexler HFB) for my fourth win in a row. McDaniel (The Only Girl Here) worked her magic yet again and knocked out Matt (I’m Rick James Bitch). Wayne (NiggerBook) beat Pat (Fuck Your Couch). Mike (shirts vs. blouses) even managed to take down Osche (Samuel Jackson Beer). It was perfect. My furious late-season comeback would finally pay off with a berth in the Championship Bracket. But noooooooo. I, like the Cowboys, like to make things difficult on myself. Poor roster moves have defined my fantasy season, and last week was no different. For some brilliant reason, I felt it was a good idea to start BenJarvus Green-Ellis over other players, like Brandon Pettigrew, Jabar Gaffney, and Damian Williams. Those last three guys all scored at least six points each. Green-Ellis scored two. Usually, I wouldn’t care since I won my matchup. But with all of last week’s results, my team and Mike’s team ended up at 8-6 in a fight for the last playoff spot. The tiebreaker: total points scored this season. Mike’s team exploded for 170 points last week, bringing his total for the season to 1613.21. My team only mustered 90 points, making my total for the season 1609.56. I missed the playoffs by 3.65 points. THREE POINT SIX FIVE FUCKING POINTS.
End rant.
Sorry. I had to do that. My ranting, however, reminds me of one of my favorite Family Guy clips.
It’s also funny how quickly this was all forgotten. After this whole mess unfolded Sunday night, I went to work on Monday, more disappointed than usual. I was very unhappy. But things got immediately better when I had my year-end review with my boss, where I found out I’d be receiving a raise and a hefty bonus. Then, last night, in even better news, my girlfriend became my fiancé. I am truly a lucky guy.
As you can imagine, I haven’t had much time to prepare a blog this week, which is why I’m going with the super short version. Let’s do it.
OK. So in fantasy, the Championship Bracket semifinals are (1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) shirts vs. blouses and (2) NiggerBook vs. (3) Hater of the Year. The Consolation Bracket has (5) Red Balls vs. (8) I’m Rick James Bitch and (6) The Only Girl Here vs. (7) Samuel Jackson Beer. Finally, playing tennis on the Moon right now are (9) Fuck Your Couch, (10) Negrodamus, (11) I H8 U, and (12) Wexler HFB.
In the NFL, all eyes are on the New England at Denver contest. Can Tim Tebow engineer yet another victory for the Broncos and their push to the playoffs? I’m happy because the Cowboys won last night. Go Redskins and Jets.
Here are the J&R’s Pizza Celebrity Customer football picks for Week 15. Ken Stewart takes New Orleans -7.5. Michael Cummings takes the New York Jets +3. Boiler Bill takes Miami +1. James Varano’s Dad takes Cincinnati -7.
This week’s Chappelle’s Show sketch is part of the reparations checks episode. I bought this baby cash.
Here’s some music for your listening ears.
Other news. John is the only male in the top four in the pick’em group. Anthony and Jeff are still fighting for second place in the survivor pool. And, of course, I can’t forget about the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week, which I’m giving to myself. Why? Because Ken has told me for years and years to never get married. But after all his advice, I went against his wishes, and now I’m engaged. I only wish I could find Ken somewhere in Lancaster and tell him the news to see his actual response. I could only hope a DAAAAAMMMNNN would be part of it.
That’s all for this week. I’ll try to get back to the usual blog format next week, but I’m not making any promises, due to my great procrastinating skills and the upcoming holidays. Enjoy Week 15.
The Packers won and they’re still undefeated. There’s the intro. That’s all I have time for. Here’s a picture of a dog.
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 13 Recap
Gay Landscaper 150.34, shirts vs. blouses 74.47- Another dominating performance from Gay Landscaper pushes their win streak to five games. The victory, along with Hater of the Year’s loss, means that the Landscapers clinch the top spot in the Championship Bracket with a week to go in the regular season.
NiggerBook 151.03, Hater of the Year 146.71- The losing streak increases to four games for Hater with a shootout loss to NiggerBook. Despite the recent dry spell, Hater still controls their own destiny and can make the Championship Bracket with a win next week. NiggerBook can also say the same, thanks to this week’s results.
Fuck Your Couch 113.29, I’m Rick James Bitch 110.04- Hope is still alive for FYC after sweeping the season series against I’m Rick James Bitch. In their two meetings this year, the combined margin of victory for FYC is a mere five points. The loss puts I’m Rick James Bitch in a tough spot, as they’ll have to win next week and score enough to clear the tiebreaker for entry into the Championship Bracket.
The Only Girl Here 147.28, Samuel Jackson Beer 138.93- All 7-6 teams fighting for that last spot in the top four owe The Only Girl Here a huge thank you. Down by sixty heading into Monday night, TOGH made a monstrous comeback and stole an SJB win that would have ended Championship Bracket hopes for several teams. THANK YOU MCDANIEL!
Red Balls 126.90, Negrodamus 96.38- Red Balls continues their push to the playoffs with their third win in a row, sweeping Negrodamus for the season. For a team that scored as much as they did throughout the year, Negrodamus fell apart at the wrong time. The loss to Red Balls ensured that the Consolation Bracket is the best they’ll do this postseason.
I H8 U 170.54, Wexler HFB 64.79- If Ken Stewart could read, he’d say DAAAAAMMMNNN after seeing this result. The only positive for Wexler is that they have now wrapped up the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes, earning next year’s number one overall spot in the draft.
And with that, here are the standings with only one week to go in the regular season.
Current Playoff Picture
Championship Bracket (1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) I’m Rick James Bitch
(2) Hater of the Year vs. (3) NiggerBook
Consolation Bracket (5) Samuel Jackson Beer vs. (8) shirts vs. blouses
(6) Red Balls vs. (7) Fuck Your Couch
Playing Tennis On The Moon (9) The Only Girl Here (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention) (10) Negrodamus (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention) (11) I H8 U (eliminated from all postseason contention) (12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from all postseason contention)
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 14 Preview
Gay Landscaper vs. Negrodamus- Gay Landscaper won their previous meeting in Week 2. With the number one seed wrapped up, Gay Landscaper can take it easy this week. Negrodamus would definitely appreciate it, especially since a loss would end their season and send them packing to play tennis on the Moon. I wish I could find that Chappelle’s clip.
Hater of the Year vs. I H8 U- Hater of the Year won their previous meeting in Week 3. It’s the Hate Bowl, part II. Hater of the Year would hate (pun intended) to drop their fifth game in a row, but the reality is that as long as I’m Rick James Bitch doesn’t score about 30 points higher than Hater this week and Samuel Jackson Beer doesn’t score about 45 points higher than Hater this week, then they’re in the Championship Bracket. On the flip side, if I H8 U played the whole season like they have the last three weeks, they would actually be doing some hating on teams instead of being hated on. HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!
NiggerBook vs. Fuck Your Couch- NiggerBook won their previous meeting in Week 2. NiggerBook is in the same boat as Hater of the Year. A loss wouldn’t fully knock them out of the top four, but the team would then have to rely on the total points tiebreaker to stay in. A loss for FYC, however, will end their slim Championship Bracket dreams and send them to either the Consolation Bracket or the Moon.
I’m Rick James Bitch vs. The Only Girl Here- I’m Rick James Bitch won their previous meeting in Week 3. TOGH may have spoiled Samuel Jackson Beer’s season by beating them last week. Can they play the role of spoiler again this week and take down I’m Rick James Bitch? A TOGH win would squash any chance of an I’m Rick James Bitch championship.
Samuel Jackson Beer vs. shirts vs. blouses- shirts vs. blouses won their previous meeting in Week 2. Both teams went through tough losses last week that significantly downgraded their chances of entering the Championship Bracket. But the door isn’t shut just yet. A win for either team and enough scoring to beat the tiebreaker would put the winner into the fourth and final spot.
Red Balls vs. Wexler HFB- Wexler HFB won their previous meeting in Week 1. It seems like ancient history at this point, but believe it or not, Wexler HFB was the top team in the league after Week 1. Now they’ve lost twelve in a row and can make it a baker’s dozen with a final defeat against Red Balls, the only team they’ve beat all year.
Playoff Scenarios Here’s what needs to happen for the eligible teams remaining to clinch a berth in the Championship Bracket.
Hater of the Year- Win OR Loss + sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams. NiggerBook- Win OR Loss + sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams. I’m Rick James Bitch- Win + Losses by SJB/RB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams. Samuel Jackson Beer- Win + Losses by IRJB/RB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams. Red Balls- Win + Losses by IRJB/SJB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams. Fuck Your Couch- Win + Losses by IRJB/SJB/RB OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams. shirts vs. blouses- Win + Losses by IRJB/RB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
NFL – Week 13 Recap
Seahawks 31, Eagles 14- I got to watch this game with a guy originally from Seattle. He argued that the Seahawks were one of the best teams in the league because they beat the Giants, Ravens, and now the Eagles. Needless to say, it was a fun experience.
Texans 17, Falcons 10- The game-managing abilities of rookie quarterback T.J. Yates were put to the test. Somehow, they were enough to emerge victorious over Atlanta. I think Houston’s defense might have had something to do with that. But it never seems to get any easier this season for the Texans. Mario Williams gone. Andre Johnson injured. Matt Schaub gone. And now Johnson is injured again. Somebody REALLY doesn’t want the Texans succeeding this year.
Titans 23, Bills 17- The Titans are doing their best to stay in the playoff hunt, as it seems like the team is finally clicking. Buffalo wishes they could say the same, since they stopped clicking after September. Now they’re just the same old Bills, prepping for another losing season.
Patriots 31, Colts 24- Dan Orlovsky made things very interesting in New England, but as expected, the Colts fell to the Patriots, pushing their record to 0-12. There is a silver lining in this loss, however, for Indianapolis fans. The way it looks right now, the Colts will probably take Andrew Luck in next year’s draft. That’s a positive. Peyton Manning will probably return. That’s a positive. And the Colts will most likely be playing a last-place schedule next year. Another positive. Sure, the Colts might be historically bad this season, but after a smart draft and free agency period, the team could easily return to its pre-2011 form. Not a bad deal if you ask me.
Chiefs 10, Bears 3- Zach Good gave his game ball last week to Kyle Orton, who debuted for the Chiefs and broke his finger all in the same play. Nice work Neckbeard. Speaking of injuries, Matt Forte sprained his MCL, which speaks to why the Bears could only muster up three points. The loss, along with the current state of the team, has made Chicago’s shot at a playoff spot about as likely as holding on to one of these things for a minute.
Jets 34, Redskins 19- I was right about the Jets looking flat in this game. But Rex Ryan must have had quite the speech for his team, because they came out firing in the second half. Shonn Greene totaled three touchdowns on the ground, which are more than he scored in the 2009 and 2010 campaigns. Fireman Ed likes that.
Dolphins 34, Raiders 14- If the Dolphins played this season the way they have the last month or so, they’d probably be in the playoff picture right now. After leading 34-0, Miami gave up some sympathy points to Oakland, letting them score two garbage touchdowns. Dan Marino was none too happy, especially since the last bet of his parlay was a Miami shutout.
That clip never gets old.
Steelers 35, Bengals 7- Cincinnati never had a chance. Kind of like me writing more about this game.
Broncos 35, Vikings 32- The Tebow strikes again. Thanks to a costly Christian Ponder interception late in the fourth quarter, the Broncos rallied for their fifth straight win on a last-second field goal. I’m not a Tebow fan, but he continues to keep his team in a position to win the game, no matter how low his number or completions are. Enjoy it now Denver because I don’t think it’ll last much longer past this year.
Panthers 38, Buccaneers 19- Cam Newton now has 13 rushing touchdowns this season. You know how many running backs have that many rushing touchdowns? Zero.
Oh yeah, Raheem Morris sent a player home during the game.
Ravens 24, Browns 10- Can anyone even pretend to be interested in the Browns right now? I cannot.
Packers 38, Giants 35- This game looked eerily similar to the 2007 regular season finale when the Giants fell to the undefeated Patriots 38-35. After that loss, the Giants ran the table, got a rematch with the Patriots, and ended their dreams of an undefeated season. I hate to say that because first, I’m a Dallas fan, and second, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Packers go undefeated this season. Hopefully, the Giants just continue to lose. That’d be great.
Cardinals 19, Cowboys 13- Bob Knight’s disappointment says it better than any words I could put here.
The only saving grace for the Cowboys’ loss is that every other team in the NFC playoff race (New York, Chicago, Detroit, Atlanta) all lost in Week 13. But seriously, the Cardinals?!? Ugh.
49ers 26, Rams 0- The 49ers struck gold in the NFC West, clinching their division with a shutout victory against St. Louis. It’ll be San Francisco’s first trip to the playoffs since 2002, when Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens guided them to a 10-6 record and eventually, a loss to Tampa Bay in the divisional round.
Saints 31, Lions 17- The Lions may have a young and talented squad, but they also have a young and undisciplined squad. They racked up eleven penalties for 107 yards against the Saints and exercised very poor judgment. By the way, only six running backs had more rushing yards than Detroit had penalty yards in Week 13. Impressive.
Chargers 38, Jaguars 14- San Diego finally looked like how San Diego should look, but that’s because they went against Jacksonville’s poor excuse of a team. In a related note, I heard a radio interview with the Jaguars’ interim head coach Mel Tucker and I realized immediately he would never become a full-time head coach. The man cannot speak. His answers to questions had more uhhs and umms than anything. I know I’m not a talented speaker (or anywhere close to one), but Tucker makes me look like JFK. I can’t find the clip, but just imagine this plus more uhhs and umms and plenty of recycled cliches.
NFL – Week 14 Preview
Here are the game ratings for Week 14.
New Orleans at Tennessee (1 PM)- Both teams need this win. The Saints are trying to keep up with the 49ers, in case they unexpectedly stumble. The Titans are pushing the division-leading Texans for the AFC South’s top spot, as well as trying to stay afloat in the AFC wild card race. Either way, it should be an entertaining contest with lots of offense.
Houston at Cincinnati (1 PM)- It’s been a rough past few weeks for the Bengals. Their schedule has been quite unforgiving and their grip on a wild card spot has weakened. It doesn’t get any easier this week with Houston coming into town. The Texans boast the second-ranked defense in the league and have not allowed more than 14 points since mid-October. Cincinnati must rely on their defense to pressure T.J. Yates and stop the Houston rushing attack, and then hope they can generate some offense of their own.
Oakland at Green Bay (4:15 PM)- This week’s test might be just a tad easier for the Packers. Sure, Oakland is a better team record-wise than the Giants, but they have looked awful the last couple weeks. And the Raiders have never been known for their ability to play in cold-weather cities.
New York Giants at Dallas (8:20 PM)- Can you say huge NFC East contest? Both teams have not looked spectacular lately. The Giants have lost their last four games. The Cowboys have needed last-second field goals to win their last three games, which didn’t work out too well in Arizona last week. But the winner of tonight’s contest takes the lead in the division and controls their own destiny to the playoffs. Jason Garrett, here’s a tip: Don’t. Ice. Anyone. Thanks.
Atlanta at Carolina (1 PM)- Atlanta needs a win to keep pace in the NFC wild card race, but Carolina is not the pushover that they used to be. Thanks to Cam Newton and his abundance of one-yard touchdown runs, the Panthers have averaged 33 points in their last three games. Plus, Atlanta never plays well on the road. Especially when this guy is watching.
Chicago at Denver (4:05 PM)- Chicago wraps up their four-game AFC West tour in the Mile High City, where the beer flows like wine and pass completions come at a premium. And, as always, Charles Barkley speaks for all of us.
San Francisco at Arizona (4:05 PM)- The Niners may have clinched a playoff spot, but their work is not done yet. First round byes don’t come around too often. San Francisco, don’t be like Dallas. Beat the Cardinals.
New England at Washington (1 PM)- This could have been the Albert Haynesworth rematch, but since he’s fat, lazy, and more focused on money and sliding credit cards down women’s cleavage, he’s been let go. It unfortunate, because you know he would have had a crazy six-sack game or something. But probably not.
Kansas City at New York Jets (1 PM)- I’m guessing the Chiefs will need more than ten points to beat the Jets, which seems to be quite the obstacle ever since Tyler Palko took over. New York, just score two touchdowns and call the doctor in the morning.
Buffalo at San Diego (4:15 PM)- Both teams are 5-7, which means another loss assures a non-winning season. That’s expected out of Buffalo. San Diego, not so much. See you in the unemployment line Norv.
OK. I don’t have time to do the rest of the matchups. I’m too lazy and that couch is calling my ass over.
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J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Football Pool
Everyone made a winning pick last week, except Ken Stewart. Here are the standings with only four weeks to go.
And here are the picks for Week 14.
Ken Stewart: This is not good dude. I lost and everybody won last week. I can’t make any money that way dude. Speaking of making money, I’m thinking about taking a job down at the Rob Evans on Route 30. They pay everyone there every week, but at Damien’s, they pay every two weeks, so it’s like twice the money. I gotta get the hell outta there dude. Those assholes are cwazy as hell. They want me working there until like two in the morning every night in December since it’s Christmas. I’m like UHH-SCUSE ME DUDE! What the hell…is your pwoblem? I like to to go home too you know. I didn’t get a job to work all the damn time. The only good thing is I get to avoid Patty. Less time with her bitching. Women are all the same young Joe. They take all your money, nag, nag, nag, and then they tell you to get out. You don’t need that dude. Well, time to get back to Damien’s. Damn assholes cut my bweak down to like ten minutes. I told them they got no respect for the ployees. It’s terribull. Give me San Francisco -3.5 this week. I hope they win dude. Take it easy young Joseph.
Michael Cummings: Thank God I’m in the lead. I hate my job at Build-A-Bear. All the kinds in there run around and knock everything down. Then when I tell them to stop, they just keep doing it. One of the kids even punched me in the stomach. My dad said I should go on disability. Question! Do you think I can go on disability? He said I wouldn’t have to work then. That’s awesome. I should have went on disability years ago. Then I could just go to concerts and WWE shows. Question! I heard WWE is coming to Dutch Wonderland, do you know if that’s true? I hope it is. It’d be way better than going to Hershey. And if I win this pool, I’ll have more money for souvenirs. This week, I’ll take Green Bay -12. Question! Can you write Ken Shamrock on my sub?
Boiler Bill: I can’t say long. I have a meeting to discuss my idea of the Marino’s Coming Back Foundation. I can’t talk about it much, but basically, Marino’s coming back. I want Miami -3. MARINO’S COMING BACK!
James Varano’s Dad: Time to win them all. New England -7.5.
Week 14 Pick Summary Ken Stewart- San Francisco -3.5
Michael Cummings- Green Bay -12
Boiler Bill- Miami -3
James Varano’s Dad- New England -7.5
Pugliese’s Pick’em Party
Here are the standings for the group through Week 13 plus Thursday’s Steelers/Browns game.
I had the best record of the week (12-4) and my mom is in third place. That’s all the really matters.
NFL Survivor Pool
Anthony and Jeff are still battling for second place. Anthony took the Jets last week and Jeff took the Patriots, both of whom were winners.
Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week
Fuckin’ pay me!
Fictitious Football Front Page
Fastest To Forty: Gronkowski Smashes NFL Drinking Record
After his three-touchdown performance against Indianapolis, Rob Gronkowski knew he was going to celebrate after the game. He just didn’t know he’d be doing it at a historical pace.
“He’s a beast,” said Patriots wide receiver Deion Branch. “In all my years in this league, I’ve never seen anyone who could score and drink like him. It’s unbelievable.”
Gronkowski put down forty beers (yes, forty) after the tilt against the Colts, destroying a record that had not been touched in nearly 15 years. Teammates were shocked, but not surprised by Gronkowski’s abilities.
“When you see how he plays on the field, you can tell he’s a warrior,” said Patriots offensive tackle Matt Light. “He never quits and he’s always fighting for the end zone. But he took it to another level today. Three touchdowns and forty beers? That’s Hall of Fame material there.”
Tom Brady, the future Hall of Fame quarterback himself, not only provided Gronkowski with the touchdown passes, but also the beers he consumed so mightily. “I passed him the ball all over the field. Left, right, middle, short, deep. He was open everywhere. Then I passed him beers all over the locker room. Left, right, middle, short, deep. It’s the same story. He was open everywhere.”
When asked about the accomplishment, Gronkowski was complimentary of the people around him. “You know, without the great coaching, without my great teammates, without the great fans who cheer us on, I’m nothing. But now that I have this great opportunity, I have to give 110%. I gotta give it my all. Leave it all on the field. And that’s what I did today.”
Even Bill Belichick showed some emotion when talking about his young, talented tight end. “He’s a tough kid. He plays hard. Glad to have him here.”
Gronkowski’s forty brews smashed the old record of 27, previously held by former defensive lineman Tony Siragusa. “Goose” set the mark back in 1997 after finishing his first training camp with the Baltimore Ravens.
After wrapping up interviews with the media, Gronkowski, accompanied by fellow tight end Aaron Hernandez, left the locker room demanding fast food and more beer. Sources say that Gronkowski had to be escorted out of a Foxboro Burger King ten minutes later by a couple of Patriot players after falling asleep in a booth.
In the midst of the drunken spectacle, however, Gronkowski did make a prediction that will definitely ring true. “Tell Coach I’ll need some aspirin tomorrow. A lot.”
Other FFFP Headlines Bake Mistake: Jason Garrett Criticized For Icing His Own Cake
Kryptonite: Creators Of Superman Sue Cam Newton For TD Celebration
Excessive Celebration: San Fran To Hold Parade For 49ers Division Title
Intentional Grounding: Detroit Lions Flagged For Bag Fees By Southwest Airlines
Pugliese Power Ratings
And let’s wrap this shit up son.
Enjoy Week 14. It might be the last for some of you.
No, “crunch time” is not just what Ken Griffey said before the bottom of the ninth inning in his Nintendo 64 baseball game (great game). It’s December and December is crunch time. Offices are busy, fitting in as much as they can before the year is over. Parents are frantically searching malls and websites, looking for all the gifts that are supposed to come from Santa (SPOILER ALERT!). Even the weather has been in a crunch lately, trying to push out as many unseasonably mild days as possible (I’ll take it), before we go into the depressing deep freeze that is winter.
So what does this have to do with football, fantasy and real? Everything. Teams that started the season hot are trying to fend off a late-season collapse. Squads which struggled early are fighting for relevancy and a comeback. Playoff pictures are coming into focus, but not much time remains before they are set in stone. Basically, it’s all about a shot at getting to the big one.
That’s not exactly the big one I was referencing, but what the hell? Let’s get to the football.
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 12 Recap
Gay Landscaper 176.51, I H8 U 127.70- Gay Landscaper nearly matched the league scoring record (which they currently own) in their destruction of I H8 U. The Landscapers are all but in the Championship Bracket, as they only need one win over the next two weeks to guarantee a spot. Conversely, I H8 U is nowhere near anything resembling a championship. They are, however, on the cusp of clinching next year’s #2 overall draft spot.
I’m Rick James Bitch 145.72, Hater of the Year 136.40- A furious Monday night comeback nearly put Hater on top, but it was too little, too late, as they dropped their third contest in a row. The victory was significant for I’m Rick James Bitch, pushing the team into third place and at the front of the 7-5 pack.
NiggerBook 128.58, shirts vs. blouses 109.60- The result put both squads into the 7-5 crowd, which is something that is especially unfavorable for SVB. In terms of total points, SVB is ranked ninth in the league, which means that if they want to make the Championship Bracket, they’ll have to rely on wins, not the points tiebreaker.
Samuel Jackson Beer 120.15, Negrodamus 67.02- An uncharacteristically poor performance from Negrodamus made this an easy win for SJB. It’s only the second time this season that Negrodamus failed to rack up at least a hundred points, with the first occurrence happening in Week 1, when the team scored 99 points. The blowout loss was also the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week.
Red Balls 114.54, Fuck Your Couch 93.98- Red Balls stays alive in the Championship Bracket hunt, dealing Fuck Your Couch a significant blow to their title defense efforts. While both teams are long shots to make the top four, there is still a glimmer of hope. A hope of most likely being destroyed by a superior opponent.
The Only Girl Here 130.33, Wexler HFB 102.53- Wexler put up a good fight, scoring in the triple digits for only the third time this season, but it wasn’t enough to contain TOGH’s production. Thanks to this week’s results, TOGH cannot make the top four, which is quite absurd, considering they are ranked second in the league in total points scored.
So here are the standings after Week 12. Only two weeks of regular season action to go.
Current Playoff Picture
Championship Bracket (1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) Samuel Jackson Beer
(2) Hater of the Year vs. (3) I’m Rick James Bitch
Consolation Bracket (5) NiggerBook vs. (8) Red Balls
(6) shirts vs. blouses vs. (7) Negrodamus
Playing Tennis On The Moon
(9) Fuck Your Couch
(10) The Only Girl Here (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
(11) I H8 U (eliminated from all postseason contention)
(12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from all postseason contention)
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 13 Preview
Gay Landscaper vs. shirts vs. blouses- shirts vs. blouses won their previous meeting in Week 4. Gay Landscaper can avenge their loss to SVB and clinch a Championship Bracket spot with a victory. It’s tough to argue that there is a better team than the Landscapers right now. They have the best record, the most points, and have not scored less than 120 points in a game since Week 7.
Hater of the Year vs. NiggerBook- NiggerBook won their previous meeting in Week 4. Hater of the Year will try to end their three-game losing streak, but they’ll be running into yet another buzzsaw this week. NiggerBook has completely turned around their season after previously losing four games in a row. The fact that NiggerBook has averaged 130 points over the last four weeks does not bode well for Hater’s shot at a victory.
I’m Rick James Bitch vs. Fuck Your Couch- Fuck Your Couch won their previous meeting in Week 4. This is a must-win for Fuck Your Couch, as another loss would most likely eliminate them from Championship Bracket contention. A win for I’m Rick James Bitch would keep the pressure on the rest of the 7-5 teams to win their matchups this week.
Samuel Jackson Beer vs. The Only Girl Here- Samuel Jackson Beer won their previous meeting in Week 4. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And with The Only Girl Here now eliminated from Championship Bracket contention, the team can try to spoil the championship dreams that their opponents currently hold.
Negrodamus vs. Red Balls- Red Balls won their previous meeting in Week 4. With both teams at 6-6, this game is basically a playoff. The winner earns a better chance at obtaining a top four spot. The loser will most likely be relegated to the Consolation Bracket at best.
I H8 U vs. Wexler HFB- I H8 U won their previous meeting in Week 4. It’s the Toilet Bowl. Both teams have endured rough seasons. This game is all about personal pride. That’s your cue Cantafio.
Playoff Scenarios Gay Landscaper- Clinches a Championship Bracket spot with a win. Clinches top seed with a win and a Hater of the Year loss.
Hater of the Year- Clinches a Championship Bracket spot with a win and two losses between I’m Rick James Bitch, Samuel Jackson Beer, or shirts vs. blouses.
Rooting For… In an effort to make things easier on everyone, I made a list of each team in the hunt for the Championship Bracket and the teams they should be rooting for (aside from themselves) in Week 13. You can thank my inner nerd later.
Gay Landscaper- rooting for NiggerBook
Hater of the Year- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
I’m Rick James Bitch- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, and The Only Girl Here
Samuel Jackson Beer- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, and Fuck Your Couch
NiggerBook- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
shirts vs. blouses- rooting for Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Negrodamus- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Red Balls- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Fuck Your Couch- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Red Balls, and The Only Girl Here
NFL – Week 12 Recap
I already talked about the Thanksgiving games in last week’s post, but here are the scores.
Texans 20, Jaguars 13- And just like that, the Matt Leinart Era in Houston is over. Thanks to a broken collarbone, Leinart will miss the rest of the season. Similarly, the Jacksonville front office decided to pull the plug on the Jack Del Rio Experience. It was nowhere near as successful as the Jimi Hendrix Experience.
Panthers 27, Colts 19- A winless season for the Colts is looking more and more possible with each loss. Of their five remaining games, only one opponent has a losing record. Jacksonville, Week 17. Hey, by then, they should have the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes all wrapped up.
Bengals 23, Browns 20- After trailing most of the game, the Bengals came back and took down the Browns with a last-minute field goal. You know, speaking of future schedules, I would not want to be Cleveland. They get Baltimore at home, then they go on the road three games in a row (Pittsburgh, Arizona, and Baltimore), and then they get to come home to finish the season against Pittsburgh.
Jets 28, Bills 24- So unless you live under a rock, you’ve heard about the Stevie Johnson touchdown celebration. Here it is.
Chan Gailey, head coach of the Bills, said that Stevie has “bad judgment in critical times.” My response: “Uhhh. Yeah.” That’s from Schmitt’s Gay. Zach Good, if you’re reading, you understand.
Titans 23, Buccaneers 17- Chris Johnson finally had a day that’s worthy of a multimillion dollar contract and Matt Hasselbeck found Kenny Stewart’s favorite receiver, Damian Williams, in the back of the end zone for the go-ahead score. At 6-5, the Titans are keeping pressure on Houston to not give up the AFC South lead.
Falcons 24, Vikings 14- So I was searching YouTube for a clip from the game to put here and I found this.
After investigating his channel, apparently, MattyB is trying to be the next Justin Bieber. He’s got the voice. He’s got the hair. And he’s got love for Sean Kingston. And he’s not dead. And yeah.
Cardinals 23, Rams 20- The man named Beanie (actually, it’s Chris) ran for a career-high 228 yards and a touchdown, while Patrick Peterson (not to be confused with Peter Patrickson) ran another punt back for a score, leading the Cardinals to victory. The punt return touchdown was Peterson’s fourth of the season, and second against the Rams. Note to NFL: don’t punt to Patrick Peterson.
Redskins 23, Seahawks 17- The six-game losing streak in Washington is over. Rex Grossman morphed back into Sex Cannon form, leading the Redskins to 16 unanswered points in the fourth quarter. Another positive is that Jabar Gaffney refrained from telling any Twitter users to kill themselves. Things are looking up in the nation’s capital.
Patriots 38, Eagles 20- This looks like the dagger in Philadelphia’s postseason dream. At 4-7, they would need to win out and hope for an epic amount of collapsing from the Cowboys, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Falcons. Hey, it could happen. First, they just have to take care of those pesky Seahawks…
Broncos 16, Chargers 13- Have you heard about this Nick Novak fella? If you haven’t, he’s the kicker for the Chargers, and he was caught on camera taking a leak on the sideline. Then he missed two field goals that could have won the game. Novak pissed away that chance.
You know, Tim Tebow is making the single wing popular in football again. Last time I saw a popular single win, I was on my last of three dozen at Hooter’s.
Take my wife please.
Raiders 25, Bears 20- Chris Berman’s “Dehhh Raidehhhs” took out the Superfans’ “Daaaa Bearssss,” thanks to the leg of a drunken Pollock.
A clip of Brent Musburger saying “That was a cheap shot!” from The Waterboy would be more appropriate, but I can’t find it on YouTube. Just use your imagination.
Steelers 13, Chiefs 9- Apparently, Pittsburgh doesn’t believe in showing their talent on Sunday nights. They struggled against the Colts early in the year, then lost to the Ravens in the last seconds, and now just barely beat the Chiefs. If they don’t pick their shit up, they can forget about football and start watching TV.
By the way, I can’t wait for that Dynasty episode!
Saints 49, Giants 24- The Saints are an offensive machine and the Giants’ free fall continues. I got nothing else.
NFL – Week 13 Preview
Here’s how the games rate out for Week 13.
Atlanta at Houston (1 PM)- It’s December, which means it’s choke time in Houston. And with the quarterback group of T.J. Yates, Kellen Clemens, and Jake Delhomme, the Texans are fully prepared to crash and burn. I guess “Houston, we have a problem” is totally apropos.
Green Bay at New York Giants (4:15 PM)- After facing the second-highest scoring team in the league last week, the Giants face an uphill battle against the top scoring team in the league this week. Oh yeah. They’re undefeated too. Go Pack go.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1 PM)- If Cincinnati wants to make a serious push for a playoff spot, winning in Pittsburgh is imperative. It’s just not easy.
Detroit at New Orleans (8:20 PM)- This matchup is a fantasy football wet dream. The over/under for this game is 54 points, which is very high. In comparison, the average over/under for this week is 43 points. But of course, all this hype about offense and points means that the game will probably end up with a final score of 13-10. Great.
Tennessee at Buffalo (1 PM)- The time is now for the Titans. With Houston depleted at quarterback, Tennessee needs to get hot if they want a chance at the AFC South title and a playoff spot. In other news, I hope Stevie Johnson celebrates a touchdown in this game by pretending to sit on a toilet, eating a sandwich, and fall over. That’s Elvis, people.
Oakland at Miami (1 PM)- The Dolphins may be out of the playoff race, but they can sure make things tough on Oakland. The Raiders are barely holding on to the AFC West lead, with the Fighting Tebows in Denver right on their heels. Rolando McClain, linebacker for the Raiders, probably won’t play. He was too busy entertaining himself while being arrested.
Dallas at Arizona (4:15 PM)- To quote Jules Winnfield, Dallas has got to appreciate what an explosive element this Week 13 situation is. A win in Arizona, plus a Giants loss against Green Bay, paired with a Cowboys win next week against the same Giants, and the NFC East title is basically locked up.
Baltimore at Cleveland (4:05 PM)- I imagine Cleveland fans still hate Art Modell for moving the original Browns to Baltimore in 1996. If you think about it, without that manuver, the current Ravens would still be in Cleveland, meaning they might actually be a good team, and (gasp!) might have a Super Bowl title under their belts. But it’s Cleveland, a town not known for making well-rounded front office decisions, so I’m sure they would have fucked it up.
Denver at Minnesota (1 PM)- I feel like if there’s one guy who can stop Tim Tebow, it’s Jared Allen. The man is a freak. I mean, who kills a wild buffalo with one arrow?
New York Jets at Washington (1 PM)- I’m giving this game a letdown alert for the Jets. The Redskins are home after their win at Seattle last week, where they finally learned how to score again, and the Jets were in quite the battle last week against Buffalo. Don’t be surprised if the Jets come out flat.
Kansas City at Chicago (1 PM)- It’s odd timing that these two squads face each other, since both were a part of the hallowed Kyle Orton Sweepstakes, with Kansas City winning of course. Now Orton gets the opportunity to possibly play against the team that gave up on him to pick up Jay Cutler.
Carolina at Tampa Bay (1 PM)- The Bucs are busting out the retro creamsicle jerseys for this game. Sweet.
St. Louis at San Francisco (4:15 PM)- San Francisco can claim the NFC West title with an win and end a playoff appearance drought that goes back to 2002. Or…
Seahawks 31, Eagles 14- If the Seahawks win all their remaining games, the 49ers lose all their remaining games, and the Seahawks win the tiebreaker, Seattle’s taking the NFC West. I think there’s a better chance at winning the lottery.
San Diego at Jacksonville (Monday, 8:30 PM)- Late season Monday night games are always a crapshoot. Sometimes, the game is a gem. Other times, it’s a dud. This one is no gem.
Indianapolis at New England (1 PM)- New England is a 20.5 point favorite. That’s the equivalent of a 56 point line in a University of Oregon/Nicholls State tilt. And yeah, that’s a real school.
And with that, it’s time for a music break. Today’s music break is brought to you by Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce, the only hot sauce guaranteed to make you shed tears of joy. Former NFL running back Vaughn Dunbar has hit pay dirt in the hot sauce industry and will now be bringing his best-selling product to a national audience. The former Saint’s secret blend of aged cayenne, chile, habanero, and ghost peppers, along with various spices, have made Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce the preferred hot sauce in the southeastern United States. Now families and restaurants all around the country can enjoy some mouth-watering hot sauce and a few happy tears without having to travel to the Bayou. So don’t delay and pick up some Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce at your local grocer and start crying tears of joy.
J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Football Pool
Everyone made a winning pick last week except for James Varano’s dad. Here are the updated pool standings.
And now to the picks.
Ken Stewart: Hey there young Joseph. How’s it going there dude? You beat up your dad yet? I’m telling you, listen to me, you need to beat him up since you’re working all the time while he’s off. I know I’d beat him up if I were you. I wish I could beat up Patty sometimes, but then I’d have to go to the pwism. That’s not good dude. Can’t make money that way. Ehhhh. I need a cayshun dude. I work too much. You and me young Joseph. How about this? You work for your dad and then you come work for me. How’s that? You’ll even get time and a half. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. Well I got another pick right last week. What do I have, like 85 points? What? I have 15? DAAAAMMMMNNNNN! That’s cwazy as hell dude. I need to keep winning my picks so I can get the gwand prize. I’ll go with Atlanta -2.5 this week. OK dude. Back to work for me dude. Stay outta twouble young Joe. Don’t get mahweed.
Michael Cummings: Question! Have you been to the Build-A-Bear place in the mall? I got a job there for the Christmas season because my dad was getting on my case at Thanksgiving dinner. Working there is going to stink. I can’t wear style shirts or my *NSYNC jacket. I have to wear their ugly uniform. Question! Would you wear the uniform or what you wanted? The one good thing about working at the mall is that I can come here for my lunch breaks. I can even walk over while listening to my CD player and my new Hoobastank CD. I can’t wait for that. But hopefully I can keep this lead in the pool and win the money because then I can quit my job. That would be awesome. I’ll take the New York Jets -3 this week. Question! Can you write X-Pac on my sub?
Boiler Bill: Another win for me. I’m better than an overworked boiler in the dog days of August. It’s all because of Dan Marino. You know he’s coming back, right? That’ll be the best day of my life. I’m gonna order like 50 I-talian subs that day. And then I’ll bathe in motor oil and dry off with a Marino jersey. That’d make me a boiler god. I can’t wait. Give me Miami -3. MARINO’S COMING BACK!
James Varano’s Dad: If I don’t win this pool, I’ll kick your ass. Kansas City +7.5.
Week 13 Pick Summary Ken Stewart- Atlanta -2.5
Michael Cummings- New York Jets -3
Boiler Bill- Miami -3
James Varano’s Dad- Kansas City +7.5
Pugliese’s Pick’em Party
Here are the updated standings after Week 12 and Thursday’s Eagles/Seahawks game.
Best Week 12Record- John went 14-2 and took back first place. Worst Week 12 Record- Al and Pat missed their picks and went 0-16. Most Correctly Picked Game- Everyone selected Atlanta over Minnesota. Least Correctly Picked Game- Only Greg, Mike, and Zach selected Denver over San Diego. Shock of Week 12- My mom went 13-3 and has been leaving a majority of the family in the dust. Crazy.
NFL Survivor Pool
I don’t feel like putting the chart up right now, but the battle between Anthony and Jeff for second place continues. Anthony correctly picked Cincinnati last week, while Jeff correctly picked New Orleans.
Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week
That’s the sickest mothafucka I ever seen in the alley son!
Fictitious Football Front Page
Working For The Man: Del Rio Accepts Crew Chief Position At Buffalo Wild Wings
As soon as Jack Del Rio was relieved of his head coaching duties in Jacksonville, his phone rang off the hook. Was it another NFL team looking for an assistant coach? Was it a university trying to fill a vacant role? Was it Jacksonville ownership calling to say they made a mistake?
Well, it was Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings, that is.
“We love Coach Del Rio here at Buffalo Wild Wings and we think he’d be a great addition to the Buffalo Wild Wings family,” said Donnie Sheppard, owner of the Buffalo Wild Wings franchise in Jacksonville. “He’s very professional, he’s OK with wearing a uniform, and he can help our less experienced employees grow into restaurant superstars. What’s not to like?”
After the job was offered, Del Rio accepted the position immediately, stating his interest in the franchise and his intent on taking a lower stress job. “I love Buffalo Wild Wings. Great atmosphere there with all the TVs and sports memorabilia. They got every game you’d want to watch. And the food is just phenomenal. Where else can I get mango habanero sauce?”
Del Rio also wasted no time filling his support staff, enlisting Michael Cassidy as his Assistant Crew Chief. Cassidy is best known for his commitment to efficiency in the food service industry for over a decade. Upon announcement of the position, Cassidy tweeted “getting granny panties moist at buffalo wild wings with jack del rio. can’t wait.”
The crew chief position will be a huge pay cut for Del Rio, as he’ll earn a wage in the $15 per hour range. Contract terms have not yet been made public. Buffalo Wild Wings also confirmed Del Rio will be the first employee that also has their signature posted on the restaurant’s walls. He signed a Jaguars 2008 season poster that resides in the host area of the establishment.
While Del Rio will miss football, he’s upbeat about his future. “Sure, I’m not the coach of the Jaguars any more, but this is just great. Sports 24/7 here and Jaguar games on Sunday. It’ll be just like I was there. Minus the $30 parking. Seriously, that shit is out of hand.”
Other FFFP Headlines Shot In The Dark: Jeff George Calls Texans About Quarterback Duties
Potty Mouth: Jim Harbaugh Calls Brother John “Poopyhead” After Loss
Deja Vu: Stevie Johnson Celebrates Paying Fine, Fined Again
Reverse Jinx?: Indianapolis Business Prints 0-16 T-Shirts
Pugliese Power Rankings
Best Jump- I’m Rick James Bitch (up 5 spots) Worst Fall- Negrodamus (down 7 spots)
Best Jump- Washington (up 9 spots), Carolina (up 7 spots), Dallas/Oakland/Arizona (up 4 spots) Worst Fall- Chicago (down 11 spots), San Francisco (down 6 spots), Detroit/Miami (down 4 spots)
This post was supposed to be completed by Thursday so it would be appropriate for Thanksgiving. I procrastinated. What’s new? So let’s pretend I got it done by Thursday. Hooray Thanksgiving. I’m going to eat way too much. Here’s a picture.
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 11 Recap
Red Balls 126.69, Hater of the Year 93.94- Finally a win for Red Balls after four straight losses. And Red Balls rung up the highest point total of the week for the first time this season. Shazam!
Gay Landscaper 120.86, NiggerBook 111.11- Thanks to Tom Brady only connecting with Rob Gronkowski for his two touchdown throws, Gay Landscaper picked up an important victory and moved into the top spot in the league.
shirts vs. blouses 108.35, I’m Rick James Bitch 95.03- I thought I’m Rick James Bitch was a lock to come from behind and win with Welker and Ochocinco starting Monday night. Two catches for 22 yards later (and that’s both of them combined), I was quite mistaken. SVB has quietly moved into third place after winning four of their last five games.
Negrodamus 119.62, Fuck Your Couch 93.35- With the win, Negrodamus rises to the top of the 6-5 logjam and into fourth place, thanks to total points scored. All those games lost with high point totals are finally paying off.
Samuel Jackson Beer 122.35, Wexler HFB 69.34- It’s the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week. Did you expect anything else?
I H8 U 124.44, The Only Girl Here 119.34- Huge spoiler game for TOGH. The loss may have ruined their shot for a top four spot, as they have to win out, have some games go their way, and then rely on total points as a tiebreaker. Certainly not ideal.
Here are the updated standings.
Current Playoff Picture
Championship Bracket (1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) Negrodamus
(2) Hater of the Year vs. (3) shirts vs. blouses
Consolation Bracket (5) I’m Rick James Bitch vs. (8) Fuck Your Couch
(6) Samuel Jackson Beer vs. (7) NiggerBook
Playing Tennis On The Moon (9) Red Balls
(10) The Only Girl Here
(11) I H8 U (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
(12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from all postseason contention)
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 12 Preview
Playoff Scenarios Gay Landscaper- clinches Championship Bracket spot with win and losses by Fuck Your Couch, I’m Rick James Bitch, and NiggerBook
Hater of the Year- clinches Championship Bracket spot with win and losses by Fuck Your Couch and NiggerBook
Gay Landscaper vs. I H8 U- Gay Landscaper won their previous meeting in Week 1. Can I H8 U repeat their spoiler performance from last week? A loss wouldn’t knock the Landscapers out of the playoffs, but it would put a little more pressure on the team to win their last two games.
Hater of the Year vs. I’m Rick James Bitch- Hater of the Year won their previous meeting in Week 2. Hater has fallen on rough times as of late, dropping their last two. Running into I’m Rick James Bitch isn’t the best way to alleviate losing problems either, as they try to fight for their postseason lives.
shirts vs. blouses vs. NiggerBook- NiggerBook won their previous meeting in Week 3. A win for SVB would put them closer to a Championship Bracket spot and keep the 6-5 teams nipping at their heels at bay for another week.
Negrodamus vs. Samuel Jackson Beer- Negrodamus won their previous meeting in Week 3. With both teams at 6-5, a win would put either of them on the inside track to the last spot of the Championship Bracket.
Fuck Your Couch vs. Red Balls- Red Balls won their previous meeting in Week 3. The must-win scenario continues for Red Balls. A win for FYC would push the team closer to that last Championship Bracket spot and most likely end Red Balls’ hope of a late-season turnaround.
The Only Girl Here vs. Wexler HFB- The Only Girl Here won their previous meeting in Week 2. TOGH should be a lock to win. They must pile on the points for tiebreaker purposes, in case they end the season in a 7-7 logjam.
Ravens 31, Bengals 24- If you like speedy receivers and acrobatic catches, then you enjoyed this game. Andy Dalton might not lead Cincinnati to the playoffs this season, but he sure looks like the real deal for the future.
Lions 49, Panthers 35- So much for Matthew Stafford’s injured finger. He threw five touchdown passes for the second time in his career and made Carolina’s defense look inept. Which they pretty much are.
Raiders 27, Vikings 21- Big win on the road for the Raiders to maintain their lead in the AFC West. There will be meaningful Oakland football in December and January. Amazing.
Cowboys 27, Redskins 24- I’m still letting out a huge sigh of relief after that overtime victory. In other news, DeAngelo Hall told Redskins brass to cut his ass. Jabar Gaffney got in a Twitter war with a Dallas fan and told the fan to kill himself. Oh, and the Skins have lost six in a row. It must be a great time to be a Washington fan.
Browns 14, Jaguars 10- I’m not even going to pretend like I saw anything from this game. Not even highlights.
Dolphins 35, Bills 8- What the hell happened to Buffalo? For that fact, what the hell happened to Miami?
Packers 35, Buccaneers 26- Tampa Bay kept pace with Green Bay throughout the game, but they couldn’t finish the monumental upset. By the way, LeGarrette Blount is a fucking tank.
Also, I love Joe Buck’s “enthusiasm.”
Falcons 23, Titans 17- Atlanta kept their playoff hopes alive with the win. The Titans are fading fast, and while Jake Locker looked in good in relief of Matt Hasselbeck, I doubt he can push the team back into the playoff picture if Hasselbeck misses extended time.
Bears 31, Chargers 20- Win the game, but lose your starting quarterback. It’s quite the dilemma.
49ers 23, Cardinals 7- Barring some unforeseen collapse, I think Jim Harbaugh has the Coach of the Year award clinched. And that’s including if the Packers go undefeated. Everyone knew the Packers would dominate this season. The Niners were absolutely horrid last year and had very low expectations for this season. The fact that Harbaugh came in and has turned this team around in just his first season really says something.
Seahawks 24, Rams 7- Just one shitty NFC West team beating another. Nothing to see here folks. Keep it moving.
Eagles 17, Giants 10- Vince Young led the Eagles to a victory. I’ll repeat that. Vince Young led the Eagles to a victory. Believe it or not, VY improved to 3-0 against the Giants. To be honest, I was OK with the Eagles winning since it allowed the Cowboys to jump into a share for the NFC East lead. But there’s one that everyone can agree on. DeSean Jackson is a giant cork soaker.
Patriots 34, Chiefs 3- Kansas City was actually ahead 3-0 during this game. Then the Patriots rattled off 34 unanswered points. No big deal. What is a big deal is Rob Gronkowski. The man is a freak and he’s always finding the end zone. His two touchdowns in this contest put him to 20 total for his career, making him the fastest tight end to reach that mark.
NFL – Week 12 Preview
Here are the ratings for the Week 12 matchups.
Ravens 16, 49ers 6- The Harbaugh Bowl went to the elder John, as his Ravens snapped the 49ers eight-game winning streak. The game featured the Baltimore defense, which sacked Alex Smith nine times.
Packers 27, Lions 15- The score might show a close game, but the Packers absolutely handled the Lions on their way to 11-0. Aaron Rodgers got serious in the second half, ending the day with yet another 300+ yard performance and two touchdowns. The big news from this contest was the ejection of Ndamukong Suh in the third quarter for almost stomping a Packers offensive lineman. If I were Suh, I’d be careful. After Albert Haynesworth had his stomping incident in 2006, he became an absolute waste of space. A $100 million waste of space.
Chicago at Oakland (4:05 PM)- Thanks to all the good matchups on Thursday, this could be Sunday’s best game. The Bears are on a five-game winning streak as they travel to the Black Hole in Oakland. The only problem is that Jay Cutler won’t be joining them, as his hand injury will probably sideline him for the rest of the regular season. That means Caleb Hanie will face an Oakland team that has taken over sole possession of first place in the AFC West and would like to stay there.
New England at Philadelphia (4:15 PM)- I appreciate the Eagles beating the Giants last week to benefit the Cowboys. New England, please do me a favor and destroy the Eagles this week. Thanks.
New York Giants at New Orleans (Monday, 8:30 PM)- The Giants picked the wrong time to start faltering. Trying to rebound in New Orleans is tough. I will not follow through with a Hurricane Katrina joke.
Cowboys 20, Dolphins 19- I think a 1980s TV show intro can illustrate my thoughts after this result.
Buffalo at New York Jets (1 PM)- The Bills are just what the Jets need. Even though the Jets have struggled lately, the Bills seem to have completely unraveled. Both of these teams need a win if they want to stay in contention for a playoff spot.
Houston at Jacksonville (1 PM)- The Matt Leinart Era in Houston is set to begin. Seriously though, Leinart and Vince Young are starting today. What is this, 2006?
Denver at San Diego (4:15 PM)- The time is now for San Diego. If they want to turn around their season and get back into playoff contention, they need to defeat the Tebow. Norv Turner’s job may or may not rely on it.
Pittsburgh at Kansas City (8:20 PM)- I’m guessing that NBC wasn’t banking on Matt Cassel breaking his hand and going on injured reserve before they flexed this game into primetime. Whoops! This is the second “Whoops!” moment involving Kansas City in as many weeks.
Cleveland at Cincinnati (1 PM)- This is actually an intriguing matchup. Cleveland owns the number one pass defense in the league, which will face the rookie passing tandem of Andy Dalton and A.J. Green. The Browns haven’t scored more than 17 points since mid-September, so they’ll need that defense to keep the Cincinnati offense in check.
Tampa Bay at Tennessee (1 PM)- The loser of this contest can basically throw away any hopes for a playoff spot this season.
Minnesota at Atlanta (1 PM)- The Falcons need to baste the Vikings like a Thanksgiving turkey if they want to keep pace in the race for a wild card spot. And with Adrian Peterson sitting out, they probably will.
Arizona at St. Louis (1 PM)- A battle of bottom feeders in the NFC West. The NFC West is so bad (HOW BAD IS IT?)…the NFC West is so bad that the 49ers could have clinched the division this week if they won and Seattle lost. Oh well. There’s always next week.
Carolina at Indianapolis (1 PM)- This is truly the Colts’ best shot at picking up a win. A loss to Carolina could really mean that an 0-16 Indianapolis team could be a reality.
Washington at Seattle (4:05 PM)- Here’s a battle of two historically bad sports cities. Every Washington franchise is a joke, except maybe hockey. At least Seattle has a good hockeygood basketball mediocre baseball team.
And now it’s time for a music break. No products again this week, so let’s go right to the music.
J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Pool
Michael Cummings and Boiler Bill won last week, while Ken Stewart and James Varano’s Dad lost. Here are the updated standings.
For this week, I asked everyone to discuss what they were thankful for this season. Please note these picks were made before Thursday, so yes, Boiler Bill already won again.
Ken Stewart: Hey there dude. How’s it going there young Joseph? Gimme a cup a cahfee. Well, are you ready for Thanksgiving and the holiday and everything? I gotta go down to the Ma-Wa and pick up gwoceries for everyone. You know, a turkey, some potatoes, whatever else there is. I wish your dad was open on Thanksgiving. We could just eat cheeseburger subs. That’d be easy, right young Joe? Well anyway, I’m thankful for my job at Damien’s even if they are a bunch of assholes. And I’m thankful for the cwanberry. She’s a cutie. And I guess I have to say Patty, even if she yells at me all the time. But I love her. Well, have a good Thanksgiving there dude. Don’t eat too much, you gotta come to work for me. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. Anyway, I’ll take Houston -6 this week. Tell your dad Happy Thanksgiving and that you’re gonna beat him up. Thanks a lot for doing that dude.
Michael Cummings: Hey Joe’s son. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. First, I have to say my wife. Then I’m thankful I found my *NSYNC jacket. I love that thing. I don’t go anywhere without it. Then I guess WWE is next. And all my favorite bands. And all the shows I go to. Oh, I’m going to see Puddle of Mudd on Black Friday. Question! Why is it called Black Friday? And I’m thankful for my family, even if my dad is always telling me to get a job and that he’s going to throw me out. Oh well. Hopefully I win this pool and then I won’t have to work at all. I’d be thankful for that. I’ll take Buffalo +9.5 this week. Happy Thanksgiving Joe’s son. Question! Can you write D-Lo Brown on my sub?
Boiler Bill: Here’s what I’m thankful for. Marino. Boilers. I-talian subs. Marino. Rasslin’. My tools. I-talian subs. Marino. Sweatpants. And did I say Marino? I’ll take Miami +7 this week. Happy Thanksgiving to all. MARINO’S COMING BACK!
James Varano’s Dad: I’m thankful I don’t have to talk to you until next week. Cincinnati -7.
Week 12 Pick Summary Ken Stewart- Houston -6
Michael Cummings- Buffalo +9.5
Boiler Bill- Miami +7
James Varano’s Dad- Cincinnati -7
Pugliese’s Pick’em Party
Here’s the standings after Week 11 and the Thanksgiving games.
Best Week 11 Record- My mom went 12-2. Yes, my mom beat us all this week. Worst Week 11 Record- Al and Anthony missed their picks and went 0-14. Most Correctly Picked Game- Several games were picked correctly by all but one. Least Correctly Picked Game- Michele was the only to take Denver over the Jets. Shock of Week 11- Once again, my mom had the best record of the week.
NFL Survivor Pool
The fight for second continues. Stephen was knocked out with his pick of St. Louis last week, leaving Anthony and Jeff.
Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week
Everything is better in slow motion.
Pugliese Power Rankings
No Fictitious Football Front Page stories this week. Thus, the power rankings.
Best Jump- shirts vs. blouses (up 5 spots) Worst Fall- NiggerBook (down 3 spots), Fuck Your Couch (down 3 spots), The Only Girl Here (down 3 spots)
Best Jump- Cleveland (up 8 spots), Atlanta (up 5 spots), Denver (up 5 spots), Miami (up 5 spots) Worst Fall- New York Giants (down 4 spots), Tennessee (down 4 spots), Arizona (down 4 spots)
Eli Manning and the Giants almost did it again. Trailing by 14 to the 49ers, Manning cut the deficit to seven. Then after converting two fourth downs, the third attempt proved insurmountable, thanks to a Justin Smith deflection. And while it’s not the end of the world for the Giants, it sure would have added fuel to the debate of whether Eli deserves the elite tag that he publicly desires.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but my intentions were to write the Artie Lange joke about Manning and put up a picture of him looking confused. So here we go.
It’s like Artie Lange said: “Like Eli Manning is alright, but doesn’t Eli Manning look like he’s one chromosome away from being retarded or something?”
Mission accomplished. To the blogmobile!
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 10 Recap
The Only Girl Here 149.17, Hater of the Year 87.33- TOGH only needed the Chicago defense (46 points), Marshawn Lynch (25), and Maurice Jones-Drew (22) to end Hater’s five-game winning streak, but they’ll surely take the additional points. Despite the loss, Hater remains on top of the league by one game.
Gay Landscaper 149.61, I’m Rick James Bitch 115.30- Gay Landscaper picked up a statement win over I’m Rick James Bitch, pushing them into the second spot in the standings. Wide receivers were the key in this contest, with the Landscaper group scoring 30 points more than their Rick James counterparts.
Negrodamus 140.72, shirts vs. blouses 99.40- Negrodamus, why do white people love fantasy football so much? “White people love fantasy football because it makes them look like all the best black athletes put together. A creature called SuperBlack.”
Fuck Your Couch 116.83, I H8 U 99.19- I H8 U actually put up a fight and made this game competitive, but they were no match for FYC. One more loss for I H8 U will eliminate them from Championship Bracket contention.
NiggerBook 162.40, Wexler HFB 59.21- Wexler HFB reached an all new low after losing by 100+ points to NiggerBook. And to think that if only I had won against Wexler in Week 1, there would be a legitimate shot at one of the fantasy teams in our league going 0-14. Dammit.
And after Mike’s comment a couple weeks ago, the Pauly D Blowout of the Week has become the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week.
Samuel Jackson Beer 96.78, Red Balls 90.83- Ugh. Yet another heartbreaking loss for my fantasy team. All because of one bad roster move. Again. Well, it seems to be that time of year where my team gets their annual pep talk from Bob Knight.
Here’s how the teams stand after ten weeks of fantasy action.
Current Playoff Picture
Championship Bracket (1) Hater of the Year vs. (4) NiggerBook
(2) Gay Landscaper vs. (3) I’m Rick James Bitch
Consolation Bracket (5) Fuck Your Couch vs. (8) Samuel Jackson Beer
(6) shirts vs. blouses vs. (7) Negrodamus
Playing Tennis On The Moon
(9) The Only Girl Here
(10) Red Balls
(11) I H8 U
(12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 11 Preview
Hater of the Year vs. Red Balls- The playoffs start now for Red Balls if they want a shot at making the top four. Running the table, plus some help along the way from other teams, could propel the team back into the top four. Luckily, the journey starts with Hater of the Year, who has most of their usual starters on the bench because of the bye week.
Gay Landscaper vs. NiggerBook- With only four weeks to go in the regular season, every matchup becomes pivotal. A win would help either team tighten their grip on a trip to the Championship Bracket. Both teams are hot right now, winning their last two contests each.
I’m Rick James Bitch vs. shirts vs. blouses- Yet another important game. With both teams at 6-4, wins are supreme, but racking up points is significant as well. Season point totals will be the deciding factor on who’s in and who’s out of the top four if there are similar records at the end of the season.
Fuck Your Couch vs. Negrodamus- Both teams need this game, but the ramifications of a loss will be greater for Negrodamus. Fortunately, they have the best scoring average in the league over the last four weeks, ringing up 132 points per week.
Samuel Jackson Beer vs. Wexler HFB- With Wexler eliminated from top four contention, they can play spoiler to the rest of the teams in the league. Somehow, I don’t think it’s happening.
The Only Girl Here vs. I H8 U- TOGH is in the same situation as Red Balls: win out, and with some help, they’ll make the Championship Bracket. However, they’re much different from Red Balls in the fact that they actually score a lot and have won their last two decisions in convincing fashion.
NFL – Week 10 Recap
Raiders 24, Chargers 17- I already mentioned this result last week, but it’s still shocking. When will the Chargers wake up?
Steelers 24, Bengals 17- Andy Dalton navigated the Bengals to a third quarter comeback, but couldn’t close the deal in the fourth when Pittsburgh retook the lead.
Cowboys 44, Bills 7- The Cowboys had the best week ever in Week 10. They crushed the Bills. Romo was nearly perfect on the day. Every other NFC East team lost. And they sent Mark Miller, Buffalo Bills Fan (and Rod Farva look-alike) home with another disappointing defeat. Can we see that tape again?
Cardinals 21, Eagles 17- Pat summed it up quite well after the Eagles dropped their sixth game of the season: “Hats off to a shoddy $200 million secondary that let league minimum John Skelton torch them.” Well said sir.
Saints 26, Falcons 23- Mike Smith channeled his inner Belichick and went for it on fourth and one from their own 30 in overtime. And just like when Belichick did it against the Colts in 2009, the move bit them in the ass. Saints kick a field goal. Game over.
Texans 37, Buccaneers 9- The Texans may have registered another blowout victory, but they suffered a monumental injury yet again, with Matt Schaub going down late in the game. Schaub’s absence makes the Houston rushing attack even more important for their playoff push, especially since this man will be taking over starting quarterback duties.
Dolphins 20, Redskins 9- Hey, remember when people seriously thought Washington had a shot at winning the NFC East? No? Nobody? Alright then.
Jaguars 17, Colts 3- At 0-10, the Colts really could finish the season without a win. Of their six remaining games, only two are against teams that are under .5oo right now. A winless season would certainly put Jim Caldwell out of the head coach role. At least he has a bright future as a Queen’s Guard soldier.
Broncos 17, Chiefs 10- The passing stat line of 2 of 8 for 69 yards and a touchdown is the usual for the quarterback of Navy, but hilarious for the quarterback of the Denver Broncos.
Titans 30, Panthers 3- Cam Newton and the Carolina offense were nowhere to be found, thanks to the Tennessee defensive pressure. And Chris Johnson finally had a big day in the stats department. It’s about time.
Rams 13, Browns 12- The laugh at the very end of this clip makes this game all worth it.
49ers 27, Giants 20- The Niners held off the Giants for their eighth win of the year, a total they’ve only matched once since 2003. And to think that if San Francisco beat Dallas way back in Week 2, there would currently be two undefeated teams in the league.
Bears 37, Lions 13- Matthew Stafford doubled his interceptions for the season, throwing four to Chicago. In fact, Stafford threw more touchdown passes to the Bears than his own team, considering that two interceptions were returned for scores.
Seahawks 22, Ravens 17- What a complete letdown after knocking off the Steelers on the road last week. Such is life for the Baltimore Ravens.
Patriots 37, Jets 16- Just when the Jets had a chance to take over the lead in the AFC East, the Patriots come in and do something like that. AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!
Packers 45, Vikings 7- Aaron Rodgers and the Packers roll up on another opponent. What’s new, right?
NFL – Week 11 Preview
Here’s how the Week 11 contests rate. Not a lot of spectacular football going on this week.
Cincinnati at Baltimore (1 PM)- Both teams have a shot at redemption after disappointing finishes last week. The winner also moves into a better position for postseason play. Pretty important.
Arizona at San Francisco (4:05 PM)- Somehow, I think the Niners will give Arizona just a bit more of a challenge than the Eagles did last week. In other words, John Skelton is going to get beat the fuck up.
Philadelphia at New York Giants (8:20 PM)- Philly’s improbable run at a sub-.500 regular season record was given a huge boost when the team announced Vince Young would be starting, due to Michael Vick’s rib injury. The sad truth is that I’ll be rooting for the Eagles this week, since a win, paired with a Cowboys win, would put the Giants and Cowboys tied for the top spot of the NFC East.
Tennessee at Atlanta (4:15 PM)- Here’s your interconference matchup of the week. Both teams are sitting at 5-4, looking up at a 7-3 team leading their division. This game is a must-win for each team. For the Titans, a win would create some momentum as they chase the now Schaub-less Texans. An Atlanta victory would put the Saints in reach and would definitely erase some of the heartache from last week’s debacle.
Tampa Bay at Green Bay (1 PM)- It’s the Battle of the Bays, formerly an NFC Central rivalry. The Bucs really need a win to stay in the wild card hunt, but can they really slow down the Packers? Doubt it.
San Diego at Chicago (4:15 PM)- I would say that a loss to Chicago would be the dagger in San Diego’s playoff hopes, but they play in the AFC West, which is this year’s NFC West. At worst, they would only be two games out of the lead. That’s good news, considering how well the Bears have been playing lately, winning their last four.
Broncos 17, Jets 13- Tim Tebow continues to put up mediocre quarterback numbers, yet he leads Denver to victories. He’s now 4-1 as the starter this year. I guess his brand of football is tough to stop, like the Wildcat was when it first emerged, since defenses don’t know how to stop it. Enjoy it while you can Bronco fans, because defenses will figure it out eventually, and as John Fox said earlier this week, Tebow will be screwed.
Kansas City at New England (Monday, 8:30 PM)- “New England West” comes to Foxboro looking like Buck Nasty’s suit: bombed out and depleted. Tyler Palko gets his first career start. Oh, Mr. Palko, do you know Andre Carter? No, you don’t? Well, he sacked Mark Sanchez four and a half times last week. I’m sure he’ll introduce himself to you. Have fun.
Dallas at Washington (1 PM)- If Dallas is serious about making the playoffs, they have to win these “easy” games coming up. After Washington, they have Miami on Thanksgiving, and then they have ten days to prepare for the vaunted Arizona attack. Losing is not an option.
By the way, Felix Jones should be back for Dallas. He looks like a broke ass Donnell Rawlings. Or Donnell Rawlings looks like a broke ass Felix Jones. I’d put up an image, but I’m totally forgetting how to operate photo editors right now and I don’t have time.
Oakland at Minnesota (1 PM)- If you’re a betting man (or woman), take the over in this game. Carson Palmer has been passing all over defenses and the Vikings secondary is horrible. On the flip side, Adrian Peterson should run wild on the 24th-ranked rush defense and with Minnesota at home, they’re bound to put up more than seven on the scoreboard.
Buffalo at Miami (1 PM)- Win a couple games in this league and you’re hot shit. The Dolphins are actually favored to beat the Bills, who have scored only 18 points in their last two games.
Carolina at Detroit (1 PM)- Both team’s high-powered offenses were MIA last week, so this could be a coming out party. I’m all for it, especially if there are multiple touchdown passes to Calvin Johnson, Brandon Pettigrew, and Steve Smith.
Seattle at St. Louis (4:05 PM)- Surprise! This matchup, as well as the Arizona/San Francisco contest, are the only games this week where both opponents are coming off of wins last week. How about the NFC West flexing their collective muscle?
Jacksonville at Cleveland (1 PM)- This game may be a snoozefest, but at least it’ll be a defensive snoozefest. Cleveland has the number one ranked pass defense in the league and Jacksonville (yes, Jacksonville) has the number two ranked overall defense. Get ready for a 9-7 final score.
And with that, it’s time for a music break. I don’t have a product to sponsor this week, so how about we listen to a song about cameltoes? Seems fair.
J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Pool
Ken Stewart and Boiler Bill picked up wins last week, while Michael Cummings and James Varano’s Dad both lost. Here are the current standings.
Let’s go to the picks.
Ken Stewart: Well young Joseph, my days as a businessman are over. Yep, back to Damien’s for me. I don’t have the Uhtection Vest stand at the mall any more. The police took it away. It was doing gweat but they came over and said there were complaints about a little girl working there. I’m like “Uhscuse me dude, that’s my cwanberry there officer.” Then the officer was telling me about child labor laws or something like that and how she had to be older to work and I’m like “I ain’t no child lester dude. I’m not that Dusky guy. She’s just my cwanberry.” They weren’t too happy with that and they were going to uhwest me for uhwissting. I told them “I don’t want no trouble dude, just trying to sell some vests.” But they took down my stand and all the pwofits I made. I tell you young Joseph, it’s a cwazy world out there. It’s cwazy as hell. Patty wasn’t too happy when I told her what happened. I’m in the dog house. At least going to Damien’s gives me a bweak from her. And there’s good news since I won last week. If I win that money, I’m taking a big bweak from Patty. Time to find me some hot boxes. Maybe get myself a new bike and a new Looney Tunes helmet. I’d be widing in style. But I’m still a worker dude. Still a slavedwiver at Damien’s. Take it easy there young Joe. I’ll take Dallas -7.5 this week. Tell your dad to get back to work dude. He can’t be off all the time. Can’t make money that way dude.
Michael Cummings: Question! How much longer is this thing going on? My dad says I gotta quit screwing around and get a job. He keeps telling me he’s gonna throw me out. I told him when this is over and I win the money, it’ll be like the lottery and I won’t have to ever work. Then it’ll just be style shirts and Creed concerts for me and my wife. Question! Do you like Creed? I love them. I’ve been to like eight of their shows. My wife likes Nickelback better, but I think she’s wrong. Anyway, I need to make a good pick this week so I can make sure I’m closer to the money. I want New England -15 this week. Thanks Joe’s son. Question! Can you write Vader on my sub?
Boiler Bill: Jesus Christmas! The Dolphins are on fire these days! Marino has to come back now. He’s going to take the team to the Super Bowl, just like he should of all those other times. By the way, a few nights ago, I had a dream that I was eating an I-talian sub and rasslin’ a boiler with Dan Marino himself. It was the best dream of my lifetime. I’ll go with Miami -2 this week. MARINO’S COMING BACK!
James Varano’s Dad: Fuck Detroit. Jacksonville +1.
Week 11 Pick Summary
Ken Stewart- Dallas -7.5
Michael Cummings- New England -15
Boiler Bill- Miami -2
James Varano’s Dad- Jacksonville +1
Pugliese’s Pick’em Party
Here’s how we stand after Week 10 and Thursday’s Jets/Broncos game.
Best Week 10 Record- Anthony, John, and Jen all went 10-6. Worst Week 10 Record- Pat went 0-16 after forgetting his picks. Most Correctly Picked Game- 18 of 19 correctly picked Green Bay over Minnesota. Least Correctly Picked Game- Only Osche picked Oakland over San Diego and only Michele picked Arizona over Philadelphia. Shock of Week 10- My cousin Michele, who knows nothing about football and picks teams mostly by which city she’d rather go to, went 9-7 this week. If she had picked Green Bay over Minnesota, she would have been tied for the best record of the week.
NFL Survivor Pool
We have a winner! After Stephen fell with his choice of Carolina over Tennessee and Anthony and Jeff both losing on their pick of Philadelphia over Arizona, Pat emerged victorious with his selection of Pittsburgh over Cincinnati.
Even though first place has been decided, we still have a fight for second place. Stay tuned.
Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week
Fuck Nick Cannon.
Fictitious Football Front Page
Just Like Old Times: Jaguars Celebrate Win With Pizza Party
The clock read 0:00. The score: Jaguars 17, Colts 3. Jacksonville running back Maurice Jones-Drew embraced center Brad Meester and celebrated like they had just won the Super Bowl. In their minds, they had.
“Coach told us before the game that if we won, we’d go out for pizza afterwards,” said Jones-Drew. “Now, it’s time to cash in. Pizza Paradise, here we come!”
Similar sentiment was echoed throughout the Jaguar locker room after their gritty performance in Indianapolis. The team was so excited for the post-game meal that all interviews were postponed until after the party. One journalist felt defensive tackle Terrence Knighton’s wrath after trying to ask a question about the game before pizza.
“What’d I tell you? No goddamn questions until Pizza Paradise. I’m only thinking about toppings right now.”
Media access was barred from the Jaguar squad until after the pizza party was finished, but sources say the team ordered a whole pizza per person, with an option of one topping. Sources also say that a scuffle ensued between wide receivers Kassim Osgood and Mike Thomas when Thomas received a pizza with anchovies at Osgood’s request.
“I can’t stand anchovies. Them things is nasty. Give me pepperoni,” said Thomas. No one was hurt in the fracas.
Head coach Jack Del Rio said he would consider future pizza parties for wins, but admitted it was a technique better suited for pee-wee players. “Usually, a pizza party is great after a pee-wee game. The kids come in, eat a slice or two, and maybe get a trophy if it’s the end of the season. It’s much different at the NFL level. These guys eat whole pies and they want more. Add in all the pitchers of soda and it gets to be a pretty pricey trip.”
Linebacker Paul Posluszny, acquired by Jacksonville this past offseason, said signing with the Jaguars was the right decision. “They never did this stuff in Buffalo. Maybe I would have stayed there if they had pizza parties.”
The team was not the only beneficiary of the post-game outing. Pizza Paradise owner John DiClemente said the pizza party contributed to his best sales figures in over three years. “They can come back here any time. We’ll make all the pizzas they want.”
Other FFFP Headlines Illegal Forward Pass: Reid Struck With Hot Dog At Practice
Perfect Jinx?: Company Prints 19-0 Packer T-Shirts Instead Of 9-0
Rex Rant: Jets HC Curses At Wife For High Credit Card Bill
Favre To Texans: “I’m Sure As Shit Better Than Leinart”
Pugliese Power Rankings
Best Jump- Five teams jumped up two spots (GL, NB, FYC, ND, and TOGH). And I may have found a flaw with my formula since it has Gay Landscaper over Hater of the Year. It’s debatable. Worst Fall- shirts vs. blouses fell seven spots after their loss to Negrodamus last week.
Best Jump- New England (up 8 spots), Seattle (up 8 spots), Pittsburgh (up 6 spots), Dallas (up 6 spots) Worst Fall- Cincinnati (down 9 spots), Atlanta (down 6 spots), New York Giants (down 5 spots), New York Jets (down 5 spots)
I wasn’t feeling the blog this week. Couldn’t get into it. So it’s a bare bones recap and preview. Don’t be too sad.
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 9 Recap
Hater of the Year 111.08, Wexler 108.65 Gay Landscaper 100.00, Samuel Jackson Beer 100.00 I’m Rick James Bitch 147.86, Red Balls 90.24 The Only Girl Here 164.66, Fuck Your Couch 77.77 shirts vs. blouses 150.38, I H8 U 78.63 NiggerBook 120.29, Negrodamus 110.66
Here are the standings after Week 9. The playoff picture should start taking shape soon with only five games to go in the regular season.
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 10 Preview
Hater of the Year vs. The Only Girl Here
Gay Landscaper vs. I’m Rick James Bitch shirts vs. blouses vs. Negrodamus Fuck Your Couch vs. I H8 U NiggerBook vs. Wexler HFB Samuel Jackson Beer vs. Red Balls
Hell of a preview, right?
NFL – Week 9 Recap
I’ll just put a few words for each game.
Jets 27, Bills 11- Big division win on the road.
Falcons 31, Colts 7- Julio Jones is a boss.
Dolphins 31, Chiefs 3- Finally played like an NFL team.
Cowboys 23, Seahawks 13- Field goals don’t win championships Dallas.
Saints 27, Buccaneers 16- Important win to split season series.
49ers 19, Redskins 11- Niners were looking ahead to this week.
Texans 30, Browns 12- Texans rushing attack is scary.
Giants 24, Patriots 20- Eli Manning made it déjà vu all over again for New England.
Packers 45, Chargers 38- Exciting game in rainy San Diego.
Bengals 24, Titans 17- Dalton is impressive, but is Cincy for real?
Cardinals 19, Rams 13- A 99-yard punt return touchdown in overtime for the win? Stupid, yet impressive.
Broncos 38, Raiders 24- AFC West is totally up in the air.
Ravens 23, Steelers 20- Joseph Flacco.
Bears 30, Eagles 24- Philly may have to win out to make playoffs.
NFL – Week 10 Preview
Here’s how the matchups rate this week.
Real quick stuff here.
New York Giants at San Francisco (4:15 PM)- Will LT and Montana be showing up?
Detroit at Chicago (4:15 PM)- Huge matchup for NFC wild card spots.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (1 PM)- Bengals first real test of the season.
New England at New York Jets (8:20 PM)- Can the Patriots really lose three in a row?
Minnesota at Green Bay (Monday, 8:30 PM)- Is anyone going to stop Aaron Rodgers and the Packers?
New Orleans at Atlanta (1 PM)- Huge NFC South meeting.
Buffalo at Dallas (1 PM)- I love this video.
Houston at Tampa Bay (1 PM)- Can the Tampa defense contain Foster and Tate?
Denver at Kansas City (1 PM)- Really not sure which version of either team will show up.
Raiders 24, Chargers 17- Chargers could be the disappointment of the season.
Tennessee at Carolina (1 PM)- Chris Johnson breakout game? Carolina is brutal against the run.
Baltimore at Seattle (4:05 PM)- The Ravens probably won’t need another last-second comeback in this one.
Arizona at Philadelphia (1 PM)- Good job DeSean.
Washington at Miami (1 PM)- It’s gotta be a low point when you’re the underdog against the Dolphins?
St. Louis at Cleveland (1 PM)- Sam Bradford vs. Colt McCoy, NFL edition.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (1 PM)- Can the Colts finally erase that goose egg in the win column?
That brings us to the music break. Today’s music break is brought to you by the one and only UhtectionVest by Kenny Stewart, the premier vest in bicycle safety. We’re going live to Park City Mall, where we’re fortunate to speak with Kenny Stewart, the creator of the Uhtection Vest, straight from his kiosk, where the vest has been flying off the shelves. Ken, can you tell us what it’s like over there?
“It’s cwazy as hell dude. I’ve sold like 89 vests in the last hour. I need a bweak.”
Ken, why are the vests so popular?
“Well, it’s a good quality pwoduct. It’s made in the USA dude, so these colors don’t wun or bleed or whatever. It’s not too much money and I gotta cute cwanberry selling them. She’s a character.”
Ken, how did you come up with the Uhtection Vest?
“I ride my bike everywhere and my bweaks don’t work so good. So as long as people can see me, they won’t hit me dude. I talked to some people who ride without the Kenny Stewart Uhtection Vest and I’m like ‘Daaaaammmmnnnn! You cwazy as hell boy. You’re gonna be gway as a bat.’”
Well Ken, our time is almost up, so can you give people out there a reason to buy this product if they haven’t already?
“Did I say shitpaper? You have to buy it dude. Be safe on the roads. Come see my cwanberry. And if you buy now, I’ll throw in some coupons for Damien’s. If you spend over $40 on my vests, you eat fwee at Damien’s. If you still don’t want to buy them, then all I have to say is what the hell…is your pwoblem?”
Thanks Ken. Good luck out there dude. Any parting words for the readers?
Don’t get mahweed dude. Take it easy young Joseph.”
J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Pool
Week 9 was beneficial for all participants, as everybody picked up another three points in the standings. Here’s how everyone stacks up.
Here are the picks for Week 10.
Ken Stewart: Well young Joe, it looks like luck has turned around for old Kenny. I won last week. Patty hasn’t yelled at me in like four days. My Uhtection Vest sales are going through the roof and Damien’s got wid of some assholes that worked there. I can’t stay long because I got the cwanberry watching the stand in the mall for me. She’s a cutie. I told her, “Gwanddaddy has to go to work,” and she she said she wanted to come. She’s good too. She gets the customers and then I can talk to them. It’s a good business dude. But I gotta go. It’s the busy time. Gimme cup a cahfee dude and let me get some of them munchos for the cwanberry. For my pick, I’ll go with Houston -3.5 this week. Next time you see me, I’m gonna be rich dude. Lots of nickels.
Michael Cummings: Hey Joe’s son. Let me tell you, my popularity has skyrocketed ever since I started wearing my *NSYNC jacket. I was at the mall earlier and I could hear everyone talking about me. Everyone was like “He’s phat!” and that my jacket was “too tight.” Question! Do you think I’m phat? One guy I saw called me cwazy as hell. He had some stand with this little girl working. She was funny. I started talking to him about my jacket and then he sold me some vest he was selling. But he said he works at Damon’s as his real job. He even said he comes here all the time. Question! Do you know who I’m talking about? He’s a big guy and he had a Manheim Central Barons sweatshirt on. Question! If you see him, can you tell him Michael Cummings says hi and that I love my vest? Thanks Joe’s son. I’ll take Baltimore -6.5 this week. Question! Can you write Mankind on my sub?
Boiler Bill: Holy Marino! The Dolphins did it again! They covered and they finally won! I heard that since the Dolphins won a game, Marino wants to come back. I hope so. That would be better than eating an I-talian sub. And there’s not many things better than an I-talian sub. Maybe rasslin’ with a boiler. But that’s about it. So this week, I want Miami -4 for three in a row. MARINO’S COMING BACK!
James Varano’s Dad: I’m on fire. Detroit +2.5.
Week 10 Pick Summary Ken Stewart- Houston -3.5
Michael Cummings- Baltimore -6.5
Boiler Bill- Miami -4
James Varano’s Dad- Detroit +2.5
Pugliese’s Pick’em Party
Here’s the standings after Week 9, plus this week’s Oakland/San Diego game.
Best Week 9 Record- Pat, Stephen, Jo Jo, and my mom all went 10-4. Worst Week 9 Record- Chris went 0-14 with no picks. Most Correctly Picked Game- Everyone picked Houston over Cleveland and Atlanta over Indianapolis. Least Correctly Picked Game- Nobody had Denver over Oakland. Shock of Week 9- It’s still my mom. She’s only one game out of the money. Insane.
NFL Survivor Pool
Even though four different teams were selected, everyone made it through Week 9. With only eight weeks left in the regular season, it’ll be interesting to see where people are eventually knocked off.
Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week
“Well I’d drink from those C-cups any day. Fabulous!”
Fictitious Football Front Page
Carolina Cross-Up: Schedule Typo Leads To Bye Week Confusion
Last Sunday was like any other game day for the Carolina Panthers. Players began rolling into the locker room as early as 9 AM, preparing for their 1 PM matchup against the Tennessee Titans.
The only problem was that Tennessee was never coming.
“We were out there warming up and whatever,” said Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, “but no one else was around. No opposing players, no opposing coaches, not even the fans. Something wasn’t right.”
Indeed, something was not right. The confusion stemmed from a large poster outside of Panthers head coach Ron Rivera’s office with the 2011 schedule. The poster mixed up Weeks 9 and 10, putting the game against the Titans in Week 9 and team’s bye at Week 10. Players were surprised that such an error went unnoticed until now.
“That’s fuckin’ ridiculous,” said Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith, the league’s leader in receiving yards. “We don’t got an intern or someone to check that? Come on.”
Other players echoed the same sentiment.
“We’re an NFL team making pee-wee league mistakes. It doesn’t look good,” said Panthers safety Charles Godfrey.
“I’m just surprised how no one noticed, in this day in age, with smart phones and SportsCenter always on, that no one on the team noticed the schedule was off,” said Newton.
Coach Rivera, while frustrated with the schedule snafu, found some positives. “We got another opportunity to bond as a team, so that’s a plus.”
After confirming their bye was actually during Week 9 with the league office, the Panthers spent the afternoon at an all-you-can-eat buffet, watching other NFL contests.
“It would have been better to play our game, but I’ll be OK with this,” said Panthers guard Travelle Wharton, pointing to his plates of food. “I love General Tso’s.”
Other FFFP Headlines Rainy Day: Packers Confused By San Diego Weather
Player Coach?: Colts Mention Manning As Next Head Coach
Guaranteed To Fail: Grossman Says Skins Can Still Win NFC East
Pugliese Power Rankings
I realize this was a poor effort on my part. I’ll try to do better in the future.
