“Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.” -Jay Mohr
I know. It’s not Christmas. And the summer is fading faster than Terrell Owens’ future job prospects. School is starting back up, the days are getting shorter, the weather is getting cooler, and who can forget the dreaded “No White After Labor Day” rule? It’s down right depressing. What is one to look forward to in these challenging times?
Football. Glorious, glorious football.
America’s favorite pastime (sorry, baseball) will be in full swing (wow, a baseball pun pertaining to football) sooner than you know it. And that makes me grin ear to ear. The college season began this past weekend and the NFL starts its season unconventionally this upcoming Wednesday. And with the commencement of the NFL, so begins fantasy football, my favorite pastime.
I’m taking part in two leagues this season: the league I’ve been running, entering its fourth year, as well as a new league, commissioned by my boss. Let’s start with the league I manage, Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party (formerly known as God Hates The Eagles). With the Chappelle’s Show theme being utilized for the second year in a row, I felt the new league name was much more relevant. But it’s not the only change. The league downsized during the offseason, going from twelve teams to ten. How about we meet those teams? Enjoy the Chappelle references. They never get old.
2011 Record and Rank: 1-13, 12th
Players Kept This Year: Sebastian Janikowski
Top Three Draft Picks: Aaron Rodgers, Frank Gore, Mike Wallace
Outlook: After ranking dead last in 2011, UnitedStatesofSpace can only go up this year. The ultimate goal? A championship. And Mars. Red rocks. YAY YAAAYYYY!
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA (Zach)
2011 Record and Rank: 5-9, 11th
Players Kept This Year: Baltimore Defense
Top Three Draft Picks: Ray Rice, Peyton Manning, Jamaal Charles
Outlook: Risk averse is not a way I would describe RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA, at least in terms of this year’s draft. Manning and Charles are coming off season-long injuries. Pair that with the several 49ers selected (Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, David Akers) and you’ve got the definition of a boom-or-bust team. And you know Wayne Brady doesn’t want a bust. Unless it’s attached to one of his hos.
Piss On You (Greg)
2011 Record and Rank: 6-8, 10th
Players Kept This Year: Darren McFadden
Top Three Draft Picks: Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Marques Colston
Outlook: Piss On You will ride their big WRs all year. Literally. Johnson, Colston, and Vincent Jackson are 6’4″ or more. Dwayne Bowe is the shrimp of the group at 6’2″. TE Jermichael Finley (6’5″) complements the figurative skyline of pass-catchers. If McFadden can stay healthy, this team will be dangerous. Just like R. Kelly at a junior prom.
A fuckn shark ate me (Pat)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 9th
Players Kept This Year: Arian Foster, Michael Vick
Top Three Draft Picks: LeSean McCoy, Dez Bryant, Brandon Marshall
Outlook: STACKED! THAT’S HOW TO DESCRIBE A FUCKN SHARK ATE ME IN ONE WORD! THEY OWN TWO OF THE THREE ELITE RUNNING BACKS (Foster and McCoy), AS WELL AS TWO WIDEOUTS WITH HUGE POTENTIAL THIS SEASON (Bryant and Marshall)! NO, I CAN’T STOP YELLIN’! THIS IS HOW I TALK! YES, THEY DESERVE TO DIE! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!
19th St Gangsters (Osche)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 5th
Players Kept This Year: Cam Newton, Darren Sproles
Top Three Draft Picks: Maurice Jones-Drew, Hakeem Nicks, Adrian Peterson
Outlook: The 19th St Gangsters are another boom-or-bust team. Their first-round draft pick (MJD) recently ended his holdout for a new contract, so who knows how he’ll perform, while their next two picks (Nicks and Peterson) are fighting injuries. Newton and Sproles will keep this team in the hunt, granted they can mimic their production from last season, as well as stay away from another war against the River Terrace Crew.
Good Ass Cheese (Joe)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 6th
Players Kept This Year: Matthew Stafford, Steve Smith
Top Three Draft Picks: Jimmy Graham, Greg Jennings, Fred Jackson
Outlook: Despite all efforts, Good Ass Cheese could not keep the Stafford-Megatron connection together for 2012. That being said, the team still has solid options at all the skill positions. Stafford, however, is the unquestioned leader. A long-term injury could cancel a championship appearance, something that Arsenio Hall knows all too well.
2011 Record and Rank: 9-5, 4th
Players Kept This Year: Tony Gonzalez
Top Three Draft Picks: Chris Johnson, Andre Johnson, DeMarco Murray
Outlook: After two straight fourth-place finishes, Tron has the makings of a team ready to surpass that ranking. The Johnsons (Chris and Andre) will score early and often, as long as they can stay healthy. Eli Manning will quietly pass his way to another successful season. And hopefully, Mohamed Massaquoi will have the breakout year that everyone has been awaiting. Either that, or James Harrison will tell him “Night night. Keep yo’ butthole tight.”
2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 3rd
Players Kept This Year: Julio Jones, A.J. Green
Top Three Draft Picks: Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Ryan Mathews
Outlook: TastesLikeItSmells (…Delicious!) could be an extremely potent team this season, headlined by the Brady-Welker partnership. Jones (age 23) and Green (age 24) may be young, but they can go toe-to-toe with any other top-tier WR (except maybe Megatron) in the league. RBs are the only questionable spot, with Mathews fighting injuries, as well as Willis McGahee and Cedric Benson facing uncertainty in their roles.
Black Bush (Jim)
2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 2nd
Players Kept This Year: Victor Cruz, Aaron Hernandez
Top Three Draft Picks: Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, Trent Richardson
Outlook: If Drew Brees can lead New Orleans, he can lead Black Bush. Fitzgerald and Richardson are question marks at the moment due to their situations (QB battle in Arizona and the Browns being the Browns), but Cruz and Hernandez will be strong producers for the team. And Black Bush is the home to two black Bushes, Reggie and Michael. They got forty nations ready to roll, son!
The Three Daves (John)
2011 Record and Rank: 11-3, 1st
Players Kept This Year: Jordy Nelson, Rob Gronkowski
Top Three Draft Picks: Matt Forte, Roddy White, Philip Rivers
Outlook: After dominating last season and claiming their first championship, The Three Daves have three big targets on their back. The question is how they’ll respond to the competition this season: the 18-year old way (“HELP!”), the 24-year old way (“Smoke weed every day.”) or the 30-year old way (“Fuck Nick Cannon.”). Just the keepers alone (Nelson and Gronkowski) show that this team is prepared to defend last year’s title and go after another one in 2012. Rivers may be a downgrade at QB compared to Drew Brees last year, but Forte and White will pick up the slack and keep The Daves (all three of them) competitive.
So that’s Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party. I won’t go into too much detail about the other league I’m in, but I will be following it all season and providing performance updates throughout the year. It’s a league that my boss and I discussed creating ever since we found out that we both enjoy fantasy football. Not only will I be competing with my boss, but my cousin Anthony is joining in the fun, so I get to report on my team’s progress, as well as Anthony’s. Our goal is to blow away the rest of the league and face each other in the championship.
Here’s our Week 1 starting lineups, just to give some perspective on our teams.
- My Team: Michael Vick at QB (ugh), Wes Welker and Brandon Marshall at WR, Ray Rice and Marshawn Lynch at RB, Jimmy Graham at TE, Dez Bryant at Flex, Garrett Hartley at K, and Dallas at DEF.
- Anthony’s Team: Tony Romo at QB, Roddy White and Greg Jennings at WR, LeSean McCoy and DeMarco Murray at RB, Tony Gonzalez at TE, Marques Colston at Flex, Mike Nugent at K and Baltimore at DEF.
Alright, enough about fantasy teams. It’s time to get ready. Fantasy Football 2012 begins now.
Good luck. You just may need it.