The day has finally come. Today, the National Football League embarks on another season. Fantasy Football begins in less than 24 hours. And weekly blog posts are back for a few months (or until I procrastinate). WOOOOOO!
Now before I get to the material, just a note about my blogging in general. I’m all about efficiency this year. Work hasn’t stopped being busy ever since I started last year and 8 PM is the earliest I arrive home from my daily commute, if I leave on time. That doesn’t leave much time for eating, watching football, blogging, housework, sleeping, and doing it all over again the next day. Therefore, my goal is to keep the posts short and sweet, cutting out the unnecessary clutter wherever I can. That way, I can publish quality posts and not burn out and contemplate dropping it all mid-season (see 2011).
And with that last bit of long-windedness (I promise), let’s get this blog rolling. Music please, maestro.
Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 1 Preview
Again, efficiency is the key. I’ll go through the games and write a preview of ten words or less.
The Three Daves vs. Black Bush – Starting where last season ended. Championship game rematch.
TasteLikeItSmells vs. A fuckn shark ate me – Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ collaborators go head-to-head.
Tron vs. 19th St Gangsters – Gangsters may have two of first three picks on bench.
Good Ass Cheese vs. Piss On You – Stafford and Megatron. Teammates in real life. Opponents in fantasy.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. UnitedStatesofSpace- Last year’s two worst teams look to earn respect.
NFL – Week 1 Preview
For NFL contests, I’ll rate each game as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter (definitions below) and write a preview of ten words or less. Efficiency!
- Shitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
- Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
- Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.
Dallas at New York Giants (Wed. 8:30 PM) – Football is back. All is right with the world.
San Francisco at Green Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Arguably, top NFC offense against top NFC defense.
Pittsburgh at Denver (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Peyton’s back! Can he go all game vs. Pittsburgh’s D?
Indianapolis at Chicago (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Welcome to the NFL, Mr. Luck. Here’s an ice pack.
New England at Tennessee (Sun. 1:00 PM) – The Titans are doing big things this year. Tough opener.
Atlanta at Kansas City (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Two teams on the rise, in my opinion.
Washington at New Orleans (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Drew Brees becomes first player-coach since Tom Landry.
Buffalo at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Will the Jets offense score? Or stall like preseason?
Miami at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Interest in the Dolphins plummets after Hard Knocks ends.
Cincinnati at Baltimore (Mon. 7:00 PM) – The classic battle of youth (Cincinnati) vs. wisdom (Baltimore).
San Diego at Oakland (Mon. 10:15 PM) – Historically, weird things happen in the second Monday night game.
Philadelphia at Cleveland (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Colt McCoy is rooting for Philly and a Weeden concussion.
Jacksonville at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – No MJD? No AP? No thanks.
St. Louis at Detroit (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Jeff Fisher’s first task: successfully cover Megatron. Have fun.
Seattle at Arizona (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Why didn’t Arizona trade for Tavaris Jackson?
Carolina at Tampa Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Schiano, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Jersey any more.
Benny The Bookie
Benny is the neighborhood bookie near my office, pictured below. You can always find him outside reading the New York Post, yelling at kids, or eating a sandwich at the local deli. He knows football and he knows gambling, and wants to give tips to all the “bischero” out there. So listen up. He’s only saying this once.
Hey, paisan. Benny the Bookie here, ready to teach all you scungilli a thing or two about football, capisce? Here’s today’s lesson. Defense. Wins. Championships. If you wanna winner, you need a little Nicky Buoniconti runnin’ around back there, blowin’ shit up like roba da matti, eh? A good defense is like a nice sausage and peppers from Mama. Always hits the spot. And I like them both, which is why I’m takin’ Baltimore -6 against Cincinnati on Monday night. Good defense. Good sausage and peppers. What more ya want, huh?
Pugliese Power Pro Picks
We’ve got the pick’em group going again this year. More info to come after Week 1 is complete.
Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
Survivor is back again as well. More info to come after Week 1 is complete.
Believe it or not, that’s it for this week’s blog. I’m telling you, efficiency. I feel like a young Dave Weisglass whispering “Profit Margin” every time I say that, but it really is important this year for the quality of my blog, as well as my sanity.
Enjoy Week 1. And welcome back football. We’ve missed you. Why don’t you stay awhile?