(Big) Easy As RGIII

Posted: September 12, 2012 in Fantasy Football, NFL

RGIII, better known as Robert Griffin the Third, has been the talk of the NFL town this week. Not only did he lead the Redskins to an upset victory in New Orleans, but he did so by throwing for over 300 yards, 2 TDs, and no interceptions, something that has never been done in an NFL debut. And just today, Griffin was awarded NFC Offensive Player of the Week honors, a feat never accomplished by a quarterback in his NFL debut. Until now.

This is all well and good, but true Redskin fans argue that they’ve had RGIII before. Confused? Just see below.

Now let’s get this blog started. Music please.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 1 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 152.28, The Three Daves 140.62 – Runners-up from last year avenge championship game loss.
A fuckn shark ate me 155.36, TastesLikeItSmells 110.34 – Sharks never looked back after fast start in early games.
Tron 147.36, 19th St Gangsters 137.46 – Gangsters came up just short on Monday night comeback.
Piss On You 164.00, Good Ass Cheese 129.22 – Matty Ice shined as POY drip drip dripped on GAC.
UnitedStatesofSpace 183.30, RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 167.96 – Last year’s two worst teams combined for over 350 points.

Here are the standings after Week 1.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 1
New feature. I take all players that started in Week 1 and award the top performers with All-Crack Party Team honors. Just something to show my never-ending obsession with numbers. And my goal to write the phrase “Crack Party” as often as possible.

QB – Matt Ryan (Piss On You) – 37.46 points
WR – Julio Jones (TastesLikeItSmells) – 30.80 points
WR – Brandon Marshall (A fuckn shark ate me) – 28.90 points
WRAndre Johnson (Tron)27.90 points
RB – Stevan Ridley (Black Bush)25.20 points
RB – Kevin Smith (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 25.10 points
TE – Jimmy Graham (Good Ass Cheese) – 20.50 points
FLEX – Demaryius Thomas (Tron) – 25.00 points
K – Matt Bryant (Good Ass Cheese) – 17.00 points
DEF – Baltimore (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA)27.24 points

Week 1 All-Crack Party Team Total – 265.10 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 2 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

UnitedStatesofSpace vs. The Three Daves – Can USS continue last week’s momentum against last year’s champ?
Piss On You vs. TasteLikeItSmells – Piss On You probably does TastesLikeItSmells…sour.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. Tron – Friends become enemies as both teams aim for 2-0.
Black Bush vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – Black Bush mission is simple: Get oil, ruin Zach Good.
19th St Gangsters vs. Good Ass Cheese – The only battle between winless teams for the week.

NFL – Week 1 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Cowboys 24, Giants 17 – The third WR spot in Dallas belongs solely to Ogletree.
Bears 41, Colts 21 – All of a sudden, Bears have several offensive weapons.
Eagles 17, Browns 16 – Eight combined interceptions and generally ugly play from both squads.
Patriots 34, Titans 13 – Nothing flashy. Solid play from Patriots on offense and defense.
Falcons 40, Chiefs 24 – Matt Ryan began his breakout campaign with four total TDs.
Vikings 26, Jaguars 23 (OT) – Minnesota’s rookie kicker tied, then won game. That’s ice cold.
Redskins 40, Saints 32 – Quite the showing by RGIII. He even started a meme.
Jets 48, Bills 28 – Maybe their preseason ineptitude was part of the Jets’ ruse.
Lions 27, Rams 23 – Fourth quarter heroics saved Detroit from an embarrassing loss.
Texans 30, Dolphins 10 – Total team performance by Texans. No individual with standout numbers.
49ers 30, Packers 22 – Niners played like a Super Bowl-caliber squad.
Cardinals 20, Seahawks 16 – Kolb rescued the Cards and possibly his disappointing career.
Buccaneers 16, Panthers 10 – Mistakes plagued Carolina all day, handing win to Bucs.
Broncos 31, Steelers 19 – Manning’s still got it. Excited to watch him this season.
Ravens 44, Bengals 13 – Only Pantera could perform Domination better than Baltimore this week.
Chargers 22, Raiders 14 – Long snappers are important. Just ask Oakland.

Bonus: Brandon Weeden was sacked twice by the Eagles and once by the American flag.

NFL – Week 2 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

  • Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
  • Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
  • Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Chicago at Green Bay
(Thu. 8:20 PM) – Chicago’s not a pushover. Packers may fall to 0-2.
New York Jets at Pittsburgh (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Only Week 2, but could be statement win for Jets.
Detroit at San Francisco (Sun. 8:20 PM) – What’s more hyped? The game or the handshake afterward?
Denver at Atlanta (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Open up the air assault. Lots of passing here.

Kansas City at Buffalo
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Could be competitive if Buffalo’s D shows up.
New Orleans at Carolina
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – One of these teams at 0-2? Not what they expected.
Tampa Bay at New York Giants
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Giants go for a do-over from last Wednesday.
Baltimore at Philadelphia (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Baltimore is the underdog. Who made that decision?
Washington at St. Louis (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Can RGIII lead the Skins to the promised land of 2-0?
Dallas at Seattle (Sun. 4:05 PM) – For Dallas, this has letdown game written all over it.
Tennessee at San Diego (Sun. 4:25 PM) – They won, but Chargers didn’t look very good last week.

at Cincinnati
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Hopefully Weeden doesn’t get sacked again by the American flag.
Minnesota at Indianapolis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Luck faces much weaker defense in game number two.
Houston at Jacksonville (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Houston’s D should have a field day in Jacksonville.
Oakland at Miami (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Cleveland is bad, but Miami could match them this season.
Arizona at New England (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Ken Whisenhunt is praying for a Kurt Warner comeback.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the neighborhood bookie near my office, always talking about sports and “the way it used to be.” His pick of Baltimore -6 last week was correct, giving him a record of 1-0. See how happy he is?

Oh! What’d I tell ya? Baltimore was the big money pick last week. Come il cacio sui maccheroni. Now all you grassone want another pick, eh? I tell ya what. I’m in a good mood. I’ll give you one. Kansas City +3 against Buffalo. Why are they the underdog? I don’t know. But I do know that Buffalo’s defense looked worse than that sad excuse of a baseball team here they call the Mets. What a bunch of bums. You know they cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years? And don’t even bring up that World Series, what is it, Subway Series. Puzzare da fare schifo. Now you got me upset. Take a walk and get the fuck outta my face, huh?

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
The pick’em group is back fresh for 2012.  Anthony, Stephen, and Nate took the early lead, each putting up 12-4 records in Week 1.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
Survivor is back for 2012 as well. We started with 14 players, but after Week 1, we’re down to 13. Jeff was the first player eliminated after choosing the Giants to beat the Cowboys. Sorry Jeff. No dice.

Fantasy Football Olympics
This is my boss’ fantasy league that my cousin Anthony and I are in. Week 1 was tight for both of us. My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) clinched victory after Ray Rice’s two TD performance on Monday night. Anthony (The Missing) wasn’t so fortunate, as Mike Nugent and the Baltimore defense came up short on a comeback by one lousy point.

That’s all for Week 1. Thanks to my new method of efficiency, this post only took a couple hours, rather than days. That calls for some celebrating.

You had to know that was coming. It’s the only natural conclusion that follows the theme of this blog. “Griffining” is this season’s “Tebowing.” Or at least until some other player’s pose is photographed and people attach the “-ing” suffix to that player’s name. I can’t wait until everyone is “Ortoning.”

Enjoy Week 2.


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