Wide Left

Posted: September 20, 2012 in Fantasy Football, NFL

I can’t believe we’re going to lose. To the fucking Cardinals. What the fuck? What’s wrong with this team? We’ve got some problems. They dominated us all game. Now they just have to get a first down and it’s over. Seriously, we’re gonna lose to the Cardinals at home? I can’t believe this shit. I don’t even know why I’m watching anymore. Patriots won’t stop them. Here comes the run and WHOA, BALL! BALL! BALL! YEAHHHHHHHHH! NEW ENGLAND BALL! WOOOOOO! We got a shot! This is ridiculous! Come on O, we need points. Handoff to Woodhead and HOLY SHIT HE’S GONE! TOUCHDOWN! HELL YEAH! Wait, what? Holding? Where? Gronk didn’t hold anyone. Oh, that’s a bullshit call. That’s not holding. Fuckin’ scab refs. Dammit. Well, we still got the ball. It’s not all bad. Just need to make some plays. Another run. Clock’s ticking. I guess we’re playing for the field goal. Gostkowski has been money today. Four field goals already and we’re lined up for the fifth right in the middle of the hashes. Here we go. Please just make this. I promise I won’t bet on the Patriots again. Just give me this win. Please. Here we go. This is it. For the win. Snap. Hold! Kiiiiiick!

*****

What the fuck was that? Wow. Not even close. Jesus fucking Christ.

That was “Five Minutes With A Patriots Fan.” This is Big Dumb Animal. Who’s excited for another post?

Guys, please. Don’t hurt yourselves. It’s just a blog. Relax.

Some music for our readers?

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 2 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

UnitedStatesofSpace 123.68, The Three Daves 110.86 – USS holds off TTD, doubles win total from last year.
Piss On You 153.86, TastesLikeItSmells 123.86 – POY moves to 2-0 after streaming past TLIS.
Tron 125.32, A fuckn shark ate me 114.96 – Monday night’s performances catapulted Tron to another win.
Black Bush 191.20, RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 130.26 – Black Bush waterboarded their way to second victory.
19th St Gangsters 212.92, Good Ass Cheese 138.08 – Gangsters put high heels on my team’s dead carcass. Wow.

Here are the standings after Week 2.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 2
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 2. Ten brand new members to the All-Crack Party club, as no players from last week’s team could grab repeat honors.

QB – Eli Manning (Tron) – 39.20 points
WR – Hakeem Nicks (19th St Gangsters) – 39.90 points
WR – Danny Amendola (19th St Gangsters) – 39.16 points
WR – Victor Cruz (Black Bush)37.90 points
RB – Reggie Bush (Black Bush)39.70 points
RB – C.J. Spiller (Black Bush) – 34.00 points
TE – Vernon Davis (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA) – 24.30 points
FLEX – Dwayne Bowe (Piss On You) – 32.20 points
K – Stephen Gostkowski (19th St Gangsters) – 17.00 points
DEF – Seattle (Good Ass Cheese)19.08 points

Week 2 All-Crack Party Team Total – 322.44 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 3 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. Tron – Early season blockbuster featuring 2-0 teams.
Piss On You vs. The Three Daves – “Better to be pissed off than pissed on.” Wise words.
UnitedStatesofSpace vs. TastesLikeItSmells – TLIS has to turn it around, Oakenfold style.
19th St Gangsters vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – The Ed Blounts Bowl is back. No smiling allowed.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. Good Ass Cheese – Shark + Cheese = #13 Value Meal at Long John Silver’s.

NFL – Week 2 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Packers 23, Bears 10 – And that’s how the Cutler crumbles. Seven times.
Bills 35, Chiefs 17 – “C.J. Spiller playin’ like C.J. Iller.” My Stuart Scott-ism. BOOYAH!
Bengals 34, Browns 27 – Weeden is only remaining starting rookie QB without a win.
Colts 23, Vikings 20 – Luck wins rookie home opener. That’s something Peyton didn’t do.
Panthers 35, Saints 27 – Perhaps the Saints really are lost without Sean Payton.
Texans 27, Jaguars 7 – Who needs passing with Foster and Tate in the backfield?
Dolphins 35, Raiders 13 – Reggie Bush finally starting to play like a #2 overall pick.
Cardinals 20, Patriots 18 – Arizona ruined every survivor pool out there. Just see below.
Giants 41, Buccaneers 34 – Eli channels inner Frank Reich, leads Giants to first victory.
Eagles 24, Ravens 23 – Poor play-calling and execution ruined Baltimore’s second half.
Rams 31, Redskins 28 – Bonehead decision cost Redskins game and maybe Josh Morgan’s job.
Seahawks 27, Cowboys 7 – Dallas would have been better off not flying to Seattle.
Steelers 27, Jets 10 – Rex Ryan learned Steelers at home are tough matchup. Again.
Chargers 38, Titans 10 – Chargers’ requirements for winning games: pass-catching TE. That’s it.
49ers 27, Lions 19 – Other than themselves, who’s going to beat the Niners?
Falcons 27, Broncos 21 – Turnovers (and referees) erased Denver’s chances pretty quickly.

Bonus: I absolutely love when angry fans post ridiculous reaction videos after their team loses.

NFL – Week 3 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

  • Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
  • Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
  • Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
New York Giants at Carolina
(Thu. 8:20 PM) – Quick turnaround after emotional wins. Possible letdown for both teams?
Atlanta at San Diego (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Into defense? Like low scores? This is not your game.
Houston at Denver (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Stout front seven will test Foster and Tate all day.
New England at Baltimore (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Both teams angry about last week? Ever so slightly.
Green Bay at Seattle (Mon. 8:30 PM) – MNF plus 12th Man could lead to Seattle pulling upset.

Switchers
St. Louis at Chicago
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Rams aren’t a pushover anymore. They’ll make Cutler uncomfortable.
Buffalo at Cleveland
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Spiller could run wild against Cleveland’s stingy pass defense.
Tampa Bay at Dallas
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Losses last week (in contrasting fashions) are motivation to win.
New York Jets at Miami (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Jets’ Week 1 offense must resurface for shot at victory.
Cincinnati at Washington (Sun. 1:00 PM) – RGIII’s first home game. Don’t screw it up Skins.
Detroit at Tennessee (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Titans’ defense allowed 72 points already. Detroit’s licking their chops.
Philadelphia at Arizona (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Unexpected: both teams 2-0. Very unexpected: Kevin Kolb starting.

Shitters
San Francisco
at Minnesota
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Niners’ third straight NFC North opponent should be cakewalk.
Kansas City at New Orleans (Sun. 1:00 PM) – If Saints don’t win convincingly, there’s real problems.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Luck poised to post big numbers against weak Jacksonville defense.
Pittsburgh at Oakland (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Oakland has looked awful, doubtful they’ll play better versus Steelers.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie/degenerate gambler near my office, always waxing poetic on sports and how to beat the system. His pick of Kansas City +3 last week did not come through, dropping Benny’s record to 1-1. He is none too pleased.

Here’s a little verse for you grassone.

Indianapolis -3.
That’s the pick for me.
A name like Luck.
The Jaguars suck.
So for a buck.
Who gives a fuck?

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
After two weeks, Stephen, Greg, and my mom are in front. Stephen leads with the tiebreaker. Still a long season to go though.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
The survivor pool shrunk dramatically, thanks to The New England Debacle of 2012. Now it’s a battle of families. Puglieses (my brother Stephen and my cousin Joe) versus Rands (sisters Jess and Steph). Guys versus girls as well. With only three eliminations needed to crown a champion, picks will become much more scrutinized. The real question now, like in the Twilight movies, is are you Team Pugliese or Team Rand?

Fantasy Football Olympics
Week 2 of my boss’ fantasy league was a good week for both my cousin Anthony and myself. My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) held off Game of Throws (my boss’ team) to move to 2-0 and Anthony (The Missing) picked up his first win of the season, rallying against The Bengali Butcher.

And with that, this post is in the books. Only a couple hours until the Giants and Panthers kick off in Carolina. I’m definitely digging this NFL on Thursday idea. Nice work Roger.

Enjoy Week 3.

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