Stars In Stripes

Posted: September 30, 2012 in Fantasy Football, NFL

You saw the play. You know the controversy. I won’t rehash it. Mostly because I don’t have time. But the scene on Thursday was almost surreal. The regular refs returning to the NFL and appearing in Baltimore to a standing ovation. Ray Lewis hugged Gene Steratore. That may never happen again. Ever.

Glad to have you back real refs. I will miss some of the replacement refs’ antics though.

To the blog. Let’s cue up the music.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 3 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 155.76, Tron 108.30 – BB stays on undefeated path in conquest for foreign oil.
Piss On You 151.26, The Three Daves 94.36 – Three losses for Three Daves. Tough sledding this season.
TastesLikeItSmells 169.24, UnitedStatesofSpace 99.70 – Two starters scoring zero points usually a bad omen.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 199.92, 19th St Gangsters 152.00 – RM: “Osche? What’s this? One win? Mr. Victory is lonely.”
A fuckn shark ate me 142.76, Good Ass Cheese 115.82 – Rick James said “The milk’s gone bad!” He was right.

Here are the standings after Week 3.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 3
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 3. Quite the mix of teams. Only UnitedStatesofSpace and Good Ass Cheese did not have a member of their team make the All-Crack Party team this week.

QB – Matt Ryan (Piss On You) – 25.40 points
WR – A.J. Green (TastesLikeItSmells) – 37.40 points
WR – Calvin Johnson (Piss On You) – 34.40 points
WR – Larry Fitzgerald (Black Bush)28.40 points
RB – Jamaal Charles (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA)46.80 points
RB – Maurice Jones-Drew (19th St Gangsters) – 32.30 points
TE – Tony Gonzalez (Tron) – 24.10 points
FLEX – Andre Brown (The Three Daves) – 30.00 points
K – Rob Bironas (TastesLikeItSmells) – 14.00 points
DEF – Chicago (A fuckn shark ate me)34.96 points

Week 3 All-Crack Party Team Total – 307.76 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 4 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – It’s like 2004 all over again. Bush keeps winning.
Piss On You vs. Tron – POY is on Flomax. The victories are streaming.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – Both squads want to build on impressive performances last week.
19th St Gangsters vs. The Three Daves – Highest scoring team vs. lowest scoring team. Upset alert?
TastesLikeItSmells vs. Good Ass Cheese – “Good-Ass Cheese” turning into “Good Ass-Cheese” real quick.

NFL – Week 3 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Giants 36, Panthers 7 – Injuries, schminjuries. Giants made Carolina look like high school team.
Bears 23, Rams 6 – Bears defense harassed Sam Bradford and sealed the victory.
Bills 24, Browns 14 – Bills have no luck keeping their backfield healthy.
Cowboys 16, Buccaneers 10 – Ugly, but a win is a win is a win.
Jets 23, Dolphins 20 (OT) – Icing kicker not always a good idea. Ask Joe Philbin.
Vikings 24, 49ers 13 – Apparently, the Niners aren’t invincible. Actually looked quite beatable.
Chiefs 27, Saints 24 (OT) – 21 unanswered points from KC dropped Saints to unthinkable 0-3.
Bengals 38, Redskins 31 – Bengals’ no-name receivers (not named A.J. Green) outperforming expectations.
Titans 44, Lions 41 (OT) – Ridiculous comeback spoiled after awful fourth down decision in OT.
Jaguars 22, Colts 17 – Denny Green says the Colts “let ’em off the hook.”
Cardinals 27, Eagles 6 – Vick abused all day long by ferocious Arizona D.
Falcons 27, Chargers 3 – Matt Ryan should be leading the MVP race right now.
Texans 31, Broncos 25 – Texans controlled the game much more than the score suggests.
Raiders 34, Steelers 31 – Week 4 bye can’t come sooner for Pittsburgh’s ailing defense.
Ravens 31, Patriots 30 – Another exciting display of arguably best rivalry in football today.
Seahawks 14, Packers 12 – Unforgettable game. For all the wrong reasons. Wow.

Bonus: That grab cost Bill Belichick fifty large.

Bonus Bonus: Mike McCarthy didn’t take the replacement ref bait.

NFL – Week 4 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

  • Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
  • Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
  • Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
New Orleans at Green Bay
(Sun. 4:25 PM) – Battle of 0-3 vs. 1-2? That shit cray.
New York Giants at Philadelphia (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Intense NFC East rivalry. Expect lots of chippy play.

Switchers
Cleveland at Baltimore
(Thu. 8:30 PM) – Ravens won, but we all won with regular refs back.
Carolina at Atlanta
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Falcons haven’t trailed in a game yet. Good luck Carolina.
New England at Buffalo
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Teams going opposite directions face off in AFC East clash.
Minnesota at Detroit (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Will this finally be Detroit’s coming out party?
San Diego at Kansas City (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Arrowhead is always a tough venue for the Chargers.
Seattle at St. Louis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Seattle sacked Aaron Rodgers eight times last week. Sam Bradford beware.
San Francisco at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – After last week, Jets are just what the Niners need.
Tennessee at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – A win locks up an undefeated September for Houston.
Oakland at Denver (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Tommy Kelly lost his pants in Denver. Love it.
Chicago at Dallas (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Two unimpressive 2-1 squads on national display. Enjoy.

Shitters
Miami
at Arizona
(Sun. 4:05 PM) – Arizona D should feast on rookie Ryan Tannehill.
Cincinnati at Jacksonville (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Jags could have tough time stopping Cincinnati’s explosive offense.
Washington at Tampa Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Has RGIII’s aura from Week 1 worn off?

Bye: Indianapolis, Pittsburgh

Even More Bonus: Tommy Kelly and his pants.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office, currently at risk of getting his kneecaps broken. His pick of Indianapolis -3 last week was not a winner, giving Benny his second straight loss and dropping his record to 1-2.

Here’s a tip for you cafones. Throw some scharole on San Francisco -4.5 over the Jets. It’s a sure thing. They just lost Revis for the season and he was their best defensive player. He was their best offensive player too, but he didn’t play offense. Ohhh! Bring back Broadway Joe. There’s a guy who knew how to live. I remember back in ’69, he opened up that Bachelors III club. What a joint. And the NFL had the stones to make him close it down. Ya believe that? Buncha jerks.

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
My dad and Steph Rand have moved into the lead after Week 3, but the biggest congrats goes to my cousin Michele. Despite her limited football knowledge, she tallied the most correct picks of the group last week and moved into serious contention. Nice job Michele.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
Three weeks, all 14 players eliminated. Truly the quickest and most bizarre survivor pool I’ve ever seen. But since no one made a correct pick last week, the show must go on so that a real winner can be crowned. Team Pugliese vs. Team Rand is still in effect. Whose side are you on?

Fantasy Football Olympics
Week 3 of my boss’ fantasy league was rough. My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) suffered its first loss and Anthony’s team (The Missing) took a sixty-point beating. This week, we face each other in the Pugliese Bowl. Someone’s gotta win.

That’s it for this post. Time to comb through the fantasy rosters and make the tough decisions. Fun times.

Enjoy Week 4.

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