Maybe it was the home crowd. Maybe it was the “Win one for the Gipper” mindset. Maybe it was the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol. But when Andrew Luck engineered a fourth quarter comeback over the heavily favored Packers, it wasn’t just luck. It was skill. It was ability. It was determination. All things that Andrew Luck possesses. And a really strong right arm. The Colts’ 30-27 victory might not be the most spectacular win of their season (who am I kidding, yes it is), but it’ll definitely be the most memorable.
To summarize, Andrew Luck is the real deal and it was totally worth a mind-numbing 2-14 season last year in order for the Colts to draft him. That’s all. And I’m done talking like a modern-day Matt Foley.
Let’s blog it up. Maybe it was the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol.
Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 5 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.
Black Bush 192.50, Good Ass Cheese 95.06 – My team has hit rock bottom. I need Dr. Drew.
Piss On You 141.44, 19th St Gangsters 90.08 – POY has won all games by 30 points or more.
A fuckn shark ate me 169.14, The Three Daves 123.02 – Last year’s champ still waiting on win number one.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 169.66, TastesLikeItSmells 159.96 – Important win for RM moves them up to FIF! place.
UnitedStatesofSpace 174.80, Tron 124.70 – Winning is easier when top two starters score 80 points.
Here are the standings after Week 5.
Toilet Bowl 2012 Watch
No, this is not a section where I talk about how my toilet has been performing this week (it’s fine, thank you for asking). However, I will be discussing a different kind of Toilet Bowl. If you look above, you’ll see The Three Daves and Good Ass Cheese (my team) both winless at the moment. The teams will not meet until Week 9, but there’s a distinct possibility that both teams will be 0-8 when they face each other. If that does happen, the team’s fantasy seasons will be long gone (if they’re not already), with no hope for a winning season. Then, the single greatest sports phenomenon will occur. The Toilet Bowl. A celebration of disappointment and general ineptitude. One team will ultimately bask in their first win of the season, while the other team will question their existence and consider moving out of the country. I can’t wait.
Likelihood of Toilet Bowl 2012: 1.6%
All-Crack Party Team – Week 5
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 5. We’ve got some repeat offenders. Marques Colston made the squad for the second week in a row, as did Brandon Marshall (who leads overall with three appearances). Tony Gonzalez and the Chicago Defense both earned on a spot on the team as well, repeating their successes from Week 3.
QB – Drew Brees (Black Bush) – 38.60 points
WR – Reggie Wayne (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 44.20 points
WR – Marques Colston (Piss On You) – 43.10 points
WR – Percy Harvin (Black Bush) – 34.60 points
RB – Ahmad Bradshaw (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 34.90 points
RB – Arian Foster (A fuckn shark ate me) – 28.80 points
TE – Tony Gonzalez (Tron) – 33.30 points
FLEX – Brandon Marshall (A fuckn shark ate me) – 34.40 points
K – Blair Walsh (The Three Daves) – 13.00 points
DEF – Chicago (A fuckn shark ate me) – 32.44 points
Week 5 All-Crack Party Team Total – 337.34 points
Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 6 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.
Black Bush vs. Piss On You – #1 vs. #2. Colossal matchup of undefeateds. Possible championship preview?
A fuckn shark ate me vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – #3 vs. #4. Colossal matchup undercard. Sharks won three straight.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. Good Ass Cheese – Is Wayne Brady going to choke this game?
19th St Gangsters vs. TastesLikeItSmells – If patterns mean anything, Gangsters will win this contest.
Tron vs. The Three Daves – Both teams would like to end their lengthy losing streaks.
NFL – Week 5 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.
Rams 17, Cardinals 3 – Rams over .500 for first time since 2006. Wow.
Dolphins 17, Bengals 13 – Dolphins’ D held Bengals’ explosive WRs to only one TD.
Colts 30, Packers 27 – Luck played like a savvy veteran in comeback victory.
Ravens 9, Chiefs 6 – Orioles defeat Royals thanks to two homeruns from Brady Anderson.
Vikings 30, Titans 7 – Without OT win against Detroit, Titans scoring just 11 PPG.
Falcons 24, Redskins 17 – Falcons are 5-0 for first time in team’s history.
Giants 41, Browns 27 – Giants were on ABC. All Bradshaw & Cruz. Folks!
Steelers 16, Eagles 14 – Philadelphia got Philadelphia’d. Let’s go drink at Paddy’s.
Seahawks 16, Panthers 12 – Cam Newton seems to be hitting the sophomore slump hard.
Bears 41, Jaguars 3 – Jacksonville should be demoted to the DNFL. Or the UFL.
Patriots 31, Broncos 21 – Tom wins Manning-Brady XIII thanks to unstoppable ground game.
49ers 45, Bills 3 – Thanks for making the trip Buffalo.
Saints 31, Chargers 24 – Brees breaks record and Saints finally break losing streak.
Texans 23, Jets 17 – Jets made it interesting, but imploded as usual.
Bonus: AMENDOLA ANGRY! That should be read in the voice of a caveman. Seriously though, I can think of a few teams who wish their starting QB had an arm like Amendola’s.
NFL – Week 6 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.
- Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
- Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
- Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.
New England at Seattle (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Seahawks allowing only 14 PPG and extremely tough at home.
New York Giants at San Francisco (Sun. 4:25 PM) – 2011 NFC Championship rematch should be as entertaining as original.
Green Bay at Houston (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Formerly a possible Super Bowl preview. Currently not the case.
Denver at San Diego (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Important contest for teams most likely to win AFC West.
Cincinnati at Cleveland (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Battle of Ohio Part II. Lots of orange. And scoring.
St. Louis at Miami (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Two under-the-radar defensive juggernauts. Sacks and picks aplenty.
Indianapolis at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Can Luck sustain magic from last week on the road?
Detroit at Philadelphia (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Matchup between two of this season’s most disappointing offenses.
Dallas at Baltimore (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Both teams are coming off of ugly performances.
Buffalo at Arizona (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Atrocious Buffalo D allowed 97 points in last two games.
Minnesota at Washington (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Vikings have looked better and better each week.
Pittsburgh at Tennessee (Thu. 8:20 PM) – Even with injuries, Pittsburgh D should destroy Tennessee.
Oakland at Atlanta (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Keep the buses warm Oakland. This will be over quickly.
Kansas City at Tampa Bay (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Brady Quinn’s first start since 2009. And nobody cares.
Bye: Carolina, Chicago, Jacksonville, New Orleans
Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office who blew all the money he won last week from correctly picking Chicago in just twenty minutes. What can I say? He’s my favorite degenerate gambler other than Artie Lange. Benny’s record improves to 3-2. Let’s hear what he has to say about Week 6.
Marrona! How about that Chicago pick last week? I’m golden baby! I can’t go wrong! Believe it or not, I brought in almost ten large on some schmucks who thought Jacksonville had a chance. Cogliones! So time for the kid to put out the Week 6 pick. Seattle +3.5 over New England. You heard that right. Don’t sleep on Seattle. They’re a big money pick this week and I’m gonna cash in! I’m on fire!
Pugliese Power Pro Picks
Week 5 increased my dad’s lead on the rest of the group to three points. The lead may be small right now, but this is the kind of advantage that can grow slowly over the rest of the season and guarantee a first place finish.
Win Or Die (Or Lose
Team Pugliese shrunk to Individual Pugliese after Week 5. Jo Jo rode the Arizona train and lost, as the Cardinals derailed in St. Louis. So now we’re down to three. Jess, Steph, and Stephen. Only two more losses until we have a champion. Time to sweat.
Fantasy Football Olympics
My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) and Anthony’s team (The Missing) racked up big points in Week 5. The only difference between us was that my opponent tallied the highest score of the season thus far, while Anthony thoroughly dismantled his opponent. My loss and Anthony’s win put us right next to each other in the standings, sitting at fourth and fifth.
That’s all for this week. Just in time for the Thursday night kickoff. By the way, if you hear any yelling in Lancaster on Sunday afternoon, it could be one of two things. My dad screaming at the TV because Dallas is playing like shit. Or my dad screaming at us for getting him something for his birthday. Don’t be alarmed.
Enjoy Week 6.