Magic Manning

Posted: October 21, 2012 in Fantasy Football, NFL

I’m a little late with this post, so by now, I’m assuming you witnessed Denver’s second half comeback against San Diego on Monday night, led by the one, the only, Peyton Manning. For those of you not in tune with the football world, Manning’s Broncos were trailing 24-0 going into halftime. Peyton channeled his inner Frank Reich in the second half, leading Denver to 35 unanswered points and a massive victory over their division rivals. Yes, I realize anyone hearing about this for the first time will not understand the Frank Reich reference. And yes, I realize this is the second time I’ve referenced Frank Reich this season. It’s just so easy. And I’m sure Frank Reich is happy to stay current.

Some reading music please.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 6 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 172.52, Piss On You 128.42 – Read my lips. Sole possession of first place.
A fuckn shark ate me 170.98, UnitedStatesofSpace 168.06 – USS needed Jackie Battle to score three points, not 0.3.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 147.92, Good Ass Cheese 110.72 – My team is Milton Waddams stuck in Storage B.
TastesLikeItSmells 188.32, 19th St Gangsters 140.32 – Aren’t you glad I said to keep A.J. Green?
The Three Daves 149.66, Tron 113.94 – The first win for TTD. Pop those corks.

Here are the standings after Week 6.

Toilet Bowl 2012 Good Ass Cheese Winless Watch
So last week I wrote about the possibility of The Three Daves and Good Ass Cheese meeting in Week 9, both at 0-8 and battling for their first win. Of course, by posting that idea in a public forum, the hopes of the Toilet Bowl 2012 were dashed when The Three Daves picked up victory number one last week over Tron. Congrats John! But now, I’m attempting to exploit this “reverse psychology” by writing about how likely it is for my team to go winless through the entire season, in hopes that I win my first game this week. So yeah, here we come 0-14. Wink wink cough cough nudge nudge.

And by the way, anyone who was looking forward to Toilet Bowl 2012 will be pleased to know that we are looking to schedule Upper Decker Bowl 2012 in its place.
Likelihood of GAC going winless: 0.39%

All-Crack Party Team – Week 6
First-time members: Aaron Rodgers, Antonio Gates, Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson, New York Giants Defense, Ray Rice, Wes Welker
Repeat members: A.J Green (2nd appearance), Ahmad Bradshaw (2nd appearance), Rob Bironas (2nd appearance)

QB – Aaron Rodgers (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 53.22 points
WR – Jordy Nelson (The Three Daves) – 42.10 points
WR – Wes Welker (TastesLikeItSmells) – 35.52 points
WR – A.J. Green (TastesLikeItSmells)35.50 points
RB – Ray Rice (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA)24.60 points
RB – Ahmad Bradshaw (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 21.00 points
TE – Antonio Gates (19th St Gangsters) – 26.10 points
FLEX – Dez Bryant (A fuckn shark ate me) – 34.90 points
K – Rob Bironas (TastesLikeItSmells) – 16.00 points
DEF – New York Giants (Black Bush)30.08 points

Week 6 All-Crack Party Team Total – 319.74 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 7 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. TastesLikeItSmells – BB looks unstoppable. Currently projected to go undefeated.
Piss On You vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – Rebound game for both teams after losses last week.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. 19th St Gangsters – Sharks won last four, averaging 162 PPG  in those games.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. The Three DavesWith one under their belt, can TTD earn win #2?
Tron vs. Good Ass Cheese – Combined, the teams have a ten-game losing streak. Ouch.

NFL – Week 6 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Titans 26, Steelers 23 – Never underestimate a home underdog on national television.
Falcons 23, Raiders 20 – Falcons looked ugly, but it’s a win. They’ll take it.
Browns 34, Bengals 24 – Browns have way too much offense for one-win team.
Dolphins 17, Rams 14 – Dolphins tied for first in AFC East. Crazy, right?
Jets 35, Colts 9 – Jets tied for first in AFC East. Crazy, right?
Lions 26, Eagles 23 (OT) – The Eagles sure know how to disappoint their fan base.
Ravens 31, Cowboys 29 – Apparently, Jason Garrett was not taught clock management at Princeton.
Buccaneers 38, Chiefs 10 – Kansas City is flat out awful.
Seahawks 24, Patriots 23 – Totally called this. Seattle is extremely difficult at home.
Bills 19, Cardinals 16 (OT) – Bills tied for first in AFC East. Crazy, right?
Giants 26, 49ers 3 – So much for revenge. Giants crushed Niners every way possible.
Redskins 38, Vikings 26 – RGIII making Washington look smart on that draft-day trade.
Packers 42, Texans 24 – Their record means nothing. Packers are still very dangerous.
Broncos 35, Chargers 24 – It’s not how you start. It’s how you finish.

Bonus: Your music probably ran out by now, so here’s some more.

NFL – Week 7 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

  • Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
  • Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
  • Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Seattle at San Francisco
(Thu. 8:20 PM) – Will Seattle’s D go “U MAD BRO?” on Alex Smith? (Editor’s Note: They did not.)
Washington at New York Giants (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Giants were unstoppable last week. Is RGIII their Kryptonite?
Baltimore at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Can Baltimore offensive attack overshadow their now injury-plagued defense?
New York Jets at New England (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Always an entertaining matchup with their history of hatred.
Detroit at Chicago (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Chicago must win division games to maintain NFC North lead.

Tennessee at Buffalo
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Is Frank Wycheck available for another Music City Miracle?
Cleveland at Indianapolis
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Take the over on this one. Just a hunch.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Time for Saints to prove first win wasn’t a fluke.
Green Bay at St. Louis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Green Bay’s back, but Rams’ D plays hard at home.
Arizona at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Cardinals surprisingly might miss Kevin Kolb under center.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Rebound game, as both squads were upset last week.

Dallas at Carolina
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Talk about disappointments. Neither team has won since Week 3.
Jacksonville at Oakland (Sun. 4:25 PM) – This game will be meaningful when Jacksonville moves to LA.

Bye: Atlanta, Denver, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, San Diego

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office who went on an all-week bender after calling the Seattle over New England upset last week. I didn’t see him until Friday, and when I did, he looked like he had been hit by a train, and then hit by a train again. The man knows how to party. Benny’s record improves to 4-2. Here are his thoughts on Week 7.

I’m exhausted. You know how hard it is collecting eighty grand from the schmucks who went against me last week? Vaffanculo! I need a break. Between collecting and winning, I’ve got no time to do anything else. But when I’m up this big, who cares, right? I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I haven’t been this hot since the ’90s. You gotta ride it baby. Ride the wave. So for all you sciattones who still don’t believe me, take Dallas -2 over Carolina this week. It’s an easy money pick. You can’t lose. Not with this hot streak I’m on. Scungilli!

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
My dad maintained his three point lead over the field after Week 6, but Anthony was the big riser, moving all the way up to second place. Only eleven weeks to go. Can’t hold anything back now.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once Twice)
It’s all over! Jess Rand is our champion! She outlasted Stephen and her sister Steph, winning on her pick of Baltimore. Stephen and Steph both lost on Arizona. As you can see below, other than Jeff, everyone was eliminated directly or indirectly by Arizona (the Cardinals upset New England in Week 2). Congrats Jess!

Fantasy Football Olympics
Thank God for this league. I may be winless and in dead last in my league, but my team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) in this league is now 4-2 and on top of the standings. It feels good to win. Maybe my Good Ass Cheese team will experience that soon. Anthony’s team (The Missing) suffered a close loss in Week 6, falling to The Factorbacks by only three points. His team is good on paper, but they just haven’t performed to expectations thus far. Luckily, there’s still time to make up ground and move into the playoff picture.

That’s all for the blog. And since it’s noon, I need to check my fantasy rosters. Good stuff. Thanks for reading. Here’s some hot wings. Eat some while watching football. Bring napkins.

Enjoy Week 7.

  1. Sean Breslin says:

    That Giants-Redskins game really intrigues me…that would be a huge win for Washington.

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