Hello blog world. It’s me, Joe. Long time, no see. I hope you’ve missed me as much as I’ve missed you. A lot of shit has gone down since my last post. I mean, fuck, it’s 2011. It’s February and this is my first post of the year.
Let’s review what I’ve missed. We’ll start with the fantasy football.
- First and foremost, Pat (KennethStewart) won the God Hates The Eagles 2.0 Championship and took home the $180 grand prize.
- Osche (BensBathroomBangers) was the runner-up, pocketing a cool $40. He spent it all on booze and hookers. Stephen (Taco Tico Inc.) won the “This Season Was So-So” award by coming in third and taking back the $20 he used to enter the league.
- At the other end of the spectrum, Zach (The Elegant Elliots) went belly up after starting the season 4-1, finishing 5-9 and in dead last. It was the worst fantasy showing since the last fifteen minutes of Violet Dehumanizes Elegant Elliot.
That’s enough fantasy football for now. Moving on to the NFL, Week 16.
- The Cowboys lost to the Cardinals, thanks to a missed extra point.
- Kansas City picked up the unconventional “too many men in the stands” penalty.
- At 5-10, the 49ers were finally eliminated from the playoffs. Mike Singletary was promptly eliminated from the team.
- Dominic Raiola told some Dolphin fans to suck his dick.
- The Almighty Tebow rose again and resurrected the Broncos to a fourth quarter comeback victory.
- The Eagles lost to Mighty Joe Webb and the Vikings on Tuesday Night Football, even after now-former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell went on a rant about the U.S. being a nation of wusses and Chinese kids doing calculus at sporting events.
OK. NFL, Week 17.
- Detroit ended the season on a four-game winning streak and did not finish last in the NFC North.
- Six games had a margin of victory of 21 points or more. Talk about blowouts.
- The Seahawks became the first team with a losing record to win a division by beating the Rams and finishing 7-9.
- Green Bay just barely made the playoffs, eking out a 10-3 victory over Da Bears.
- The Eagles lost yet again, falling to Stephen McGee and the Cowboys 14-13. It was a big win for McGee, who was formerly known for his role in the TV series McGee And Me. You can thank my brother for that little tidbit. This one’s for you, Stephen.
Enough with the regular season. Let’s talk about the playoffs. Wild Card round.
- In one play, Marshawn Lynch made the whole trade to Seattle totally worth their while. It’s Beast Mode, defined.
- The Colts called the stupidest timeout of all time, which allowed Nick Folk to kick the Jets into the divisional round against New England. I still love hearing Folk’s “YES!” when he knows it’s good.
- Kansas City absolutely imploded against the Ravens. You will not win games when you commit five turnovers. Just ask Jim Mora.
- The Eagles lost to the underdog Packers and sent the city of Philadelphia into a state of anger and depression. I listened to 610 WIP (Philly sports talk radio) after the game and it was amazing. Someone actually blamed Brian Dawkins for the loss. I kid you not.
- Baltimore totally collapsed against Pittsburgh.
- The Packers torched the Falcons. Torched.
- Da Bears ended the Seahawks “dream” run.
- Then the Jets met the Patriots in possibly the most hyped NFL game ever. So many amazing things came from this matchup. In order, possibly the coolest newspaper cover ever, Wes Welker’s foot references, the Braylon backflip, the Bart Scott interview, and my brother’s multiple drunk texts and calls.
Now the Conference Championships.
- Jay Cutler was ineffective in the first half and injured his knee. Many people questioned his toughness. My favorite tweet ripping Cutler came from Maurice Jones-Drew.
Hey I think the urban meyer rule is effect right now… When the going gets tough……..QUIT..
- B.J. Raji did some dancing.
- Caleb Hanie, the Bears’ third-string quarterback, nearly pulled a Frank Reich and brought his team back. Surprising, but not as surprising as the Bears employing Todd Collins as their second-string quarterback.
- Pittsburgh opened up a 24-0 lead on the Jets in the first half.
- The Jets doomed themselves with dumb play calling on a third and fourth and goal late in the fourth quarter.
- Final score: Pittsburgh 24, New York 19. Stephen Pugliese died a little on the inside. Again.
- Oh yeah, Mark Sanchez wiped his boogers on Mark Brunell and Rashard Mendenhall dryhumped Big Ben.
So that brings us to Super Bowl XLV. Packers vs. Steelers. Titletown vs. Steeltown. It should be an entertaining contest. The top two defenses in the league. Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger airing it out. The power running game of Rashard Mendenhall against the surprising rise of rookie James Starks. I’ll have my Super Bowl predictions in my next post, so stay tuned.
So let’s talk about other stuff that happened since my last post.
- College football had their bowl season. The Big Ten was atrocious on New Year’s Day. The whole Ohio State situation with not suspending Terrelle Pryor and others for the bowl game was bullshit. TCU was impressive in shutting down Wisconsin, a team that had scored 70 and 80 points in games this season. Apparently, there was some controversy during the UNC-Tennessee game, but I didn’t watch and I don’t feel like doing any research. The National Championship was pretty boring. This photo gallery is more entertaining than the actual football game was.
- John won the College Football Bowl Game Pick ‘Em. He picked 22 of 35 contests correctly and blew the rest of us out of the water. Zach came in last, only picking 14 winners. He later confessed that he couldn’t pick pro or college football and that he’d probably lose WPIAL (Western Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic League) football pick ’em as well.
- Speaking of pick ’em leagues, I am currently tied for second in the NFL Pick ‘Em I mentioned all season. My record is 164-102 (playoffs included) and my payout will be determined by the Super Bowl. Good times.
- Kige Ramsey won the Celebrity Football Pool with a record of 12-4. Smilin’ Ed finished 11-5 and Elegant Elliot went 9-5-2. Here is Kige’s celebratory John Wall dance.
- Let’s see. Other shit that happened. I got a cold. The New Year’s party was a blast. We played cards and categories until 7 AM. Viceroy is a brand of cigarettes, not a car. I got new glasses. My sister calls me Lester Holt because apparently, I look like him with my glasses.
Yes Andrea, I’m an aging dark man with a receding hairline. I see the resemblance.
That’s my time. Thanks for reading. Now on to my Super Bowl predictions.