Archive for the ‘Other Nonsense’ Category

Thanks to my cousin Michele (and Buzzfeed, of course), the 18 most insane food challenges have been unearthed and published for public consumption. In my semi-drunken drunken state, I decided reviewing and adding personal commentary to said challenges would be a brilliant idea. So here are my notes via iPhone through Gmail. Fun times. Enjoy.

The actual food challenges are listed here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/spenceralthouse/most-insane-restaurant-food-challenges

1. The 11-Pound Carnivore Pizza Challenge
Big Pie in the Sky – Kennesaw, Ga.

Challenge: This pizza weighs 11 pounds, is 30 inches across, and must be eaten in under one hour. Two people are allowed to tag team this event, and it costs $50 to enter.

Prize: $250 is awarded to all successful teams.

My Notes: This can be done. I’ve eaten a full 16″ pizza in one sitting (and then some), so I really only need another person to eat just 14″. Doable. And I love pizza.

2. The 8th Wonder Challenge
Clinton Station Diner – Clinton, N.J.

Challenge: At 105 pounds, The 8th Wonder is the largest burger in the world. It’s 28 inches in diameter and 11.5 inches tall. Ten people are given only 60 minutes to demolish this beast (that’s 10.5 pounds of food per person).

Prize: A cash prize of $5,000 is given to all successful teams, but the odds are stacked against them; no one has ever conquered this challenge.

My Notes: Not going to happen. That’s over ten pounds of a burger for each person, in an hour. I’m not even sure I could down a five pound burger in that time. Godspeed.

3. The Jack-n-Grill Challenge
Jack-N-Grill – Denver, Colo.

Challenge: This 7-pound breakfast burrito is no joke, consisting of 7 potatoes, a pound of ham, a whole onion, cheese, chili, and, of course, a dozen eggs. There’s only one rule: no bathroom breaks.

Prize: Free food FOR LIFE is awarded to any woman who can finish this meal.

My Notes: I really like this challenge. Why? No time limit. There’s not many things I do that I can attach “endurance” to, but eating is one. And I’d have no problem withholding from the bathroom. I just pity the first toilet I see after the challenge is over.

4. The 72-ounce Steak Challenge
The Big Texan Steak Ranch – Amarillo, Texas

Challenge: Successfully consume a 72-ounce steak, a buttered bread roll, a shrimp cocktail, a baked potato, ranch beans, and, to make it a nice balanced meal, a salad. This is the perfect challenge for Ron Swanson.

Prize: The meal is free.

My Notes: The hardest part of this challenge is the baked potato. Those things will sink like a rock in your stomach and render you useless. By the way, thanks for the salad. I’m watching my figure. And thanks for the shrimp cocktail. Everybody loves shrimp cocktail.

5. The Monster Red Ruby Burger Challenge
Exeter’s Urban Burger Restaurant – Exeter, England

Challenge: Eat seven, 6-ounce burger patties, 14 slices of bacon, seven slices of cheese, and two giant portions of double-fried fries. Contestants only have 20 minutes to finish this beast.

Prize: A free meal and T-shirt.

My Notes: Ugh. Just reading this makes me heart stop. 42 ounces of beef, 14 slices of bacon, and a mountain of cheese and fries? And I gotta eat it in 20 minutes? You better have an ambulance on speed dial.

6. The 15 Dozen Club Challenge
Acme Oyster House – New Orleans, La.

Challenge: Consume 180 oysters in one sitting. But that’s nothing compared to the restaurant’s record holder, who has successfully eaten 43 dozen oysters. THAT’S 645 OYSTERS.

Prize: A free meal and T-shirt. So worth it.

My Notes: If raw oysters are anything like raw clams, send them over. And give me some hot sauce. Just slurp them down and hope you have enough room in your stomach. This might be the “easiest” challenge in terms of work. No chewing. Just breathing.

7. The Inferno Bowl Challenge
Nitally’s ThaiMex Cuisine – St. Petersburg, Fla.

Challenge: This 48-ounce soup is made from bhut jolokia, also known as ghost chili, one of the spiciest peppers in the world. Contestants have only 30 minutes to devour the whole thing.

Prize: $1,000 goes to successful competitors. But you “must be sober” to compete — that’s rule No. 4.

My Notes: Must be sober?!? Buzzkill. Drunk or sober, I’m not finishing this in 30 minutes. Hell, I doubt if I get through five minutes. I like spicy food, but there’s a limit. And ghost pepper usually crosses it.

8. The KIDZ Breakfast Challenge
Jester’s Diner – Great Yarmouth, England

Challenge: A kid’s challenge, you say? Think again. It’s called The KIDZ Breakfast Challenge because of its sheer weight: “It weighs the same as a small child.” Nine pounds of bacon, sausages, potatoes, mushrooms, black pudding, bread, eggs, beans, tomatoes, and hash browns top this sucker off.

Prize: Eat all 6,000 calories in one hour for a free meal.

My Notes: There have been many times where I felt like I’ve had a baby in me. This challenge may be no different. If I come into the meal really hungry, I think it can be completed. But black pudding is a wild card. I’m not sure what it is, but it sounds intimidating.

9. The Terminator Challenge
Shelby’s Kitchen and Deli – Deerfield Beach, Fla.

Challenge: A 24-inch pancake is merely the plate for this challenge. Don’t forget to top this beast off with four fried eggs, six sausage patties, a pound and a half of bacon, a pound and a half of home fries, and two slices of toast. Early bird gets the full stomach.

Prize: A free meal and a full stomach.

My Notes: Clear my calendar. Because I’m sure as hell not doing shit after this meal. The meat scares me the most. Six sausage patties and a pound and a half of bacon makes makes my heart cringe. But after that hurdle, all that’s left is carbs. Wonderful, starchy carbs. And eggs.

10. The Widow Maker Challenge
Sizzle and Grill Steakhouse – Cardiff, Wales

Challenge: As if a 69-ounce steak wasn’t enough, try adding some gammon (ham/smoked bacon), lamb chops, pork chops, chicken, sausages, eggs, mushrooms, peas, salad, and a side of French fries. Eight people have died while attempting this challenge (maybe).

Prize: A free T-shirt and meal.

My Notes: Eight people have died (allegedly) during this challenge. EIGHT. That’s eight too many for me. And for those of you keeping track, gammon sounds delicious.

11. The Fire In Your Hole Challenge
Munchies 420 Café – Sarasota, Fla.

Challenge: Eating 10 hot wings doesn’t sound too difficult, but these wings are coated with extract from THE HOTTEST PEPPER IN THE WORLD: the ghost pepper. Contestants have only 20 minutes to complete the challenge. Just a heads up, Adam Richman of the Travel Channel’s Man vs. Food was only able to eat two of these bad boys before giving up.

Prize: Winners get their picture put on a wall of fame, but losers are showcased on the wall of shame.

My Notes: See number 7. I like spicy food, but ghost pepper is too much. And Adam Richman couldn’t do it? Consider that my white flag.

12. The 7-Pound Italian Challenge
Mick & Angelo’s Eatery and Bar – Niagara Falls, Canada

Challenge: Contestants have 90 minutes to eat virtually every Italian dish you can think of: spaghetti, grilled sausage, lasagna, chicken parmesan, cheese manicotti, cannelloni, garlic bread, vegetable soup, and even an apple crisp. That’s seven pounds of food. There’s only one rule: you can’t leave the table.

Prize: A T-shirt, a free meal, and a picture on the wall of fame.

My Notes: Italian Challenge? Ha. Sounds like Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s to my family. Just make sure there’s room for me on the couch to pass out after I finish this meal.

13. The Pho Garden Challenge
Pho Garden – San Francisco, Calif.

Challenge: Dump two pounds of noodles, two pounds of beef and tripe, and a never-ending broth into the largest bowl you’ve ever seen, and you’ve got The Pho Garden Challenge. Contestants have only one hour to eat the bowl’s contents.

Prize: A picture on the wall of fame.

My Notes: Pretty sure this was on Man v. Food, but it was super spicy. Even if it’s not, I guarantee the pho is hot in a boiling sense. Consuming temperature hot foods can be worse than spicy hot foods. I’ll pass.

14. The Knucklehead Challenge
Knucklehead Hot Dog Diner – Roseville, Calif.

Challenge: Five quarter-pound hot dogs, three pounds of chili, and a pound of French fries, all topped off with handfuls of shredded cheese. This monster weighs over five pounds and must be eaten in under 20 minutes.

Prize: A free meal.

My Notes: Without the time limit, this challenge sounds easy. So easy that I could totally fit in a 20 minute (read: 20 step) jog post-challenge. But the time limit makes it a different ball game. If I’m determined, it could be done. If not, I’ll be staring at a load of fries (most likely), wondering where the time went.

15. The Bacon Bomb Challenge
Paddy Long’s – Chicago, Ill.

Challenge: Don’t let the picture fool you; that’s five pounds of ground sausage, pork, and beef, all of which is wrapped and slow-cooked in brown sugar bacon. Choose between fries or potato salad to complete this meal (which, heads up, would normally serve 6-8 people). Everything must be eaten in 45 minutes or less.

Prize: A picture on the wall of fame.

My Notes: First of all, gimme fries over potato salad. I need all the grease I can get to wash this challenge down. Second of all, JESUS CHRIST THAT’S A LOT OF MEAT. And there’s nothing else to go with it. No bread. No eggs. Just meat. I want a discount on my future hospital visit.

16. The Jumboli Challenge
Trimbo’s Pizza – Butte, Mont.

Challenge: This 80-ounce Stromboli is filled with mozzarella cheese, pizza sauce, fried peppers and onions, capacolla, salami, pepperoni, black olives, mushrooms, spinach, and ricotta cheese. That’s 5 pounds of food. Yeah, good luck.

Prize: Eat the whole thing in less than one hour for a free T-shirt and your picture on the wall of fame (or shame, depending on how much your stomach can handle).

My Notes: As a dude who has endured several “normal sized” Strombolis, this challenge is very doable if cheese isn’t the main ingredient. That cheese will weigh you down. I’d rather be weighed down with mushrooms and salami over cheese any day.

17. The Land Lubber’s Challenge
Port Royale Grille – Islip, N.Y.

Challenge: This challenge starts off easy: Eat either a soup or a salad. No problem, right? Now eat a full rack of ribs, a 14-ounce grilled rib-eye steak, a pound of pulled pork, a half-pound of BBQ chicken, French fries, coleslaw, and baked beans.

Prize: A free meal.

My Notes: Way too much work. End of story. Have you tried eating a full rack of ribs? I’ll take your finest 100 pack of napkins, sir. Oh. There’s more food? Can I get a doggie bag?

18. The Kitchen Sink Challenge
The San Francisco Creamery Co. – Walnut Creek, Calif.

Challenge: This monster sundae consists of three bananas, eight scoops of ice cream (flavors are of the contestant’s choosing), eight different toppings, whipped cream, nuts, and cherry to top it all off…and maybe a brain freeze or two.

Prize: Those who successfully devour the sundae in under an hour will receive free ice cream for a year.

My Notes: Dessert! When I played in the school band, after a concert, we’d go to Friendly’s for ice cream to “celebrate.” I’ll always remember the time I got a Jim Dandy. It’s like a banana split with five scoops of ice cream and all the fixings. And I devoured it. That was fifth grade I think. Extrapolate that out, and I could probably handle a 27-scoop sundae these days.

******

Recap: According the my calculations, I could handle about half of these challenges (in my mind), but I wouldn’t stand a chance against the other half. But that’s the way food challenges go. Sometimes you’re flush. Sometimes you’re flushing. And sometimes you’re flushing again, because nothing is going down. We’ve all been there.

Let’s finish with an appropriate Vincent Vega quote: “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go home and have a heart attack.”

vega

Good day.

Hello blog world. It’s me, Joe. Long time, no see. I hope you’ve missed me as much as I’ve missed you. A lot of shit has gone down since my last post. I mean, fuck, it’s 2011. It’s February and this is my first post of the year.

Let’s review what I’ve missed. We’ll start with the fantasy football.

  • First and foremost, Pat (KennethStewart) won the God Hates The Eagles 2.0 Championship and took home the $180 grand prize.

  • Osche (BensBathroomBangers) was the runner-up, pocketing a cool $40. He spent it all on booze and hookers. Stephen (Taco Tico Inc.) won the “This Season Was So-So” award by coming in third and taking back the $20 he used to enter the league.
  • At the other end of the spectrum, Zach (The Elegant Elliots) went belly up after starting the season 4-1, finishing 5-9 and in dead last. It was the worst fantasy showing since the last fifteen minutes of Violet Dehumanizes Elegant Elliot.

That’s enough fantasy football for now. Moving on to the NFL, Week 16.

  • The Cowboys lost to the Cardinals, thanks to a missed extra point.
  • Kansas City picked up the unconventional “too many men in the stands” penalty.

  • At 5-10, the 49ers were finally eliminated from the playoffs. Mike Singletary was promptly eliminated from the team.
  • Dominic Raiola told some Dolphin fans to suck his dick.

  • The Almighty Tebow rose again and resurrected the Broncos to a fourth quarter comeback victory.
  • The Eagles lost to Mighty Joe Webb and the Vikings on Tuesday Night Football, even after now-former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell went on a rant about the U.S. being a nation of wusses and Chinese kids doing calculus at sporting events.

OK. NFL, Week 17.

  • Detroit ended the season on a four-game winning streak and did not finish last in the NFC North.
  • Six games had a margin of victory of 21 points or more. Talk about blowouts.

  • The Seahawks became the first team with a losing record to win a division by beating the Rams and finishing 7-9.
  • Green Bay just barely made the playoffs, eking out a 10-3 victory over Da Bears.
  • The Eagles lost yet again, falling to Stephen McGee and the Cowboys 14-13. It was a big win for McGee, who was formerly known for his role in the TV series McGee And Me. You can thank my brother for that little tidbit. This one’s for you, Stephen.

Enough with the regular season. Let’s talk about the playoffs. Wild Card round.

  • In one play, Marshawn Lynch made the whole trade to Seattle totally worth their while. It’s Beast Mode, defined.

  • The Colts called the stupidest timeout of all time, which allowed Nick Folk to kick the Jets into the divisional round against New England. I still love hearing Folk’s “YES!” when he knows it’s good.

  • Kansas City absolutely imploded against the Ravens. You will not win games when you commit five turnovers. Just ask Jim Mora.
  • The Eagles lost to the underdog Packers and sent the city of Philadelphia into a state of anger and depression. I listened to 610 WIP (Philly sports talk radio) after the game and it was amazing. Someone actually blamed Brian Dawkins for the loss. I kid you not.

Divisional round.

  • Baltimore totally collapsed against Pittsburgh.
  • The Packers torched the Falcons. Torched.
  • Da Bears ended the Seahawks “dream” run.
  • Then the Jets met the Patriots in possibly the most hyped NFL game ever. So many amazing things came from this matchup. In order, possibly the coolest newspaper cover ever, Wes Welker’s foot references, the Braylon backflip, the Bart Scott interview, and my brother’s multiple drunk texts and calls.

Now the Conference Championships.

  • Jay Cutler was ineffective in the first half and injured his knee. Many people questioned his toughness. My favorite tweet ripping Cutler came from Maurice Jones-Drew.

Hey I think the urban meyer rule is effect right now… When the going gets tough……..QUIT..

  • B.J. Raji did some dancing.

  • Caleb Hanie, the Bears’ third-string quarterback, nearly pulled a Frank Reich and brought his team back. Surprising, but not as surprising as the Bears employing Todd Collins as their second-string quarterback.
  • Pittsburgh opened up a 24-0 lead on the Jets in the first half.
  • The Jets doomed themselves with dumb play calling on a third and fourth and goal late in the fourth quarter.
  • Final score: Pittsburgh 24, New York 19. Stephen Pugliese died a little on the inside. Again.
  • Oh yeah, Mark Sanchez wiped his boogers on Mark Brunell and Rashard Mendenhall dryhumped Big Ben.

So that brings us to Super Bowl XLV. Packers vs. Steelers. Titletown vs. Steeltown. It should be an entertaining contest. The top two defenses in the league. Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger airing it out. The power running game of Rashard Mendenhall against the surprising rise of rookie James Starks. I’ll have my Super Bowl predictions in my next post, so stay tuned.

So let’s talk about other stuff that happened since my last post.

  • College football had their bowl season. The Big Ten was atrocious on New Year’s Day. The whole Ohio State situation with not suspending Terrelle Pryor and others for the bowl game was bullshit. TCU was impressive in shutting down Wisconsin, a team that had scored 70 and 80 points in games this season. Apparently, there was some controversy during the UNC-Tennessee game, but I didn’t watch and I don’t feel like doing any research. The National Championship was pretty boring. This photo gallery is more entertaining than the actual football game was.
  • John won the College Football Bowl Game Pick ‘Em. He picked 22 of 35 contests correctly and blew the rest of us out of the water. Zach came in last, only picking 14 winners. He later confessed that he couldn’t pick pro or college football and that he’d probably lose WPIAL (Western Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic League) football pick ’em as well.
  • Speaking of pick ’em leagues, I am currently tied for second in the NFL Pick ‘Em I mentioned all season. My record is 164-102 (playoffs included) and my payout will be determined by the Super Bowl. Good times.
  • Kige Ramsey won the Celebrity Football Pool with a record of 12-4. Smilin’ Ed finished 11-5 and Elegant Elliot went 9-5-2. Here is Kige’s celebratory John Wall dance.

  • Let’s see. Other shit that happened. I got a cold. The New Year’s party was a blast. We played cards and categories until 7 AM. Viceroy is a brand of cigarettes, not a car. I got new glasses. My sister calls me Lester Holt because apparently, I look like him with my glasses.

Yes Andrea, I’m an aging dark man with a receding hairline. I see the resemblance.

That’s my time. Thanks for reading. Now on to my Super Bowl predictions.

A Look At December 27th

Posted: December 27, 2010 in Other Nonsense

Today, December 27, is my birthday. I’m not one to go crazy and demand that everyone observes my birthday like it’s a national holiday, but I thought I’d throw together this little blog post to recognize some well-known people that share my birthday.

Sciences

Johannes Kepler, born 1571

Kepler is known for his laws on planetary motion. He has a college named after him (Kepler College), although it might not be a real college. Sweet.

Jacob Bernoulli, born 1654

I remember learning about Bernoulli and all his theories and principles in calculus class. I can’t tell you anything about them, because calculus class was like seven years ago and I definitely wasn’t paying attention.

Louis Pasteur, born 1822

French chemist and microbiologist who invented the process of pasteurization, which is the heating of a food (usually in liquid form) and cooling it quickly after heating in order to prevent microbial growth. The milk you drink is pasteurized, and if it’s not, you have problems.

Entertainment

John Amos, born 1939

Amos is best known for his roles in Good Times, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Die Hard 2, and of course, Dr. Doolittle 3.

Heather O’Rourke, born 1975

She’s the little girl from the Poltergeist movies. The one who got sucked into the TV.

Hayley Williams, born 1988

Williams is the lead singer of the possibly-broken up band Paramore. I haven’t heard a Paramore song yet, and I don’t plan on listening to them in the future. She has funny hair.

Football

Andre Tippett, born 1959

Hall of Fame linebacker that kicked the shit out of everyone.

Lorenzo Neal, born 1970

Should-be Hall of Fame fullback the kicked the shit out of everyone. Also might not have a neck anymore.

Deuce McAllister, born 1978

No helmet, no problem. Deuce was the man in New Orleans before they had Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston, etc.

Carson Palmer, born 1979

Heisman winner AND hot dog connoisseur.

Baseball

Cole Hamels, born 1983

I still hate Philadelphia.

Rick Porcello, born 1988

Almost won a Rookie of the Year award in 2009. Unfortunately, the award has nothing to do with Rookie of the Year.

Basketball

Nolan Richardson, born 1941

Coached basketball all over the place, most notably at Arkansas. Also has coached the Panamanian National Team, the Mexican National Team, and the Tulsa Shock (that’s the WNBA for those of you scratching your head).

Mark Few, born 1962

The coach of the Gonzaga Bulldogs is pictured displaying his fisting technique.

Bill Self, born 1962

Self is the basketball coach at Kansas, and not a maintenance man. However, I bet he has a huge ring of keys for the locker room and whatnot.

Professional Wrestling

Bill Eadie, born 1947

Mostly wrestled in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Sounds like a radio station.

Bill Goldberg, born 1966

I think I’m most excited about sharing a birthday with Goldberg. I mean, he had a streak of 173 victories without a loss. So what if it was all scripted?

Joan Laurer, born 1970

Damn. The wrestler known as Chyna went from looking like a man to looking like a porn star. Good work, plastic surgeons.

Happy Birthday to me.

Welcome.

Posted: August 29, 2010 in Other Nonsense

So here it is. Prime time. Big time. Marquee. My fantasy football (and other shit) blog is born. It’s a celebration. Get ready to have your minds blown. In all senses.