3…2…1…Lift-Off!

Posted: September 5, 2012 in Fantasy Football, NFL

The day has finally come. Today, the National Football League embarks on another season. Fantasy Football begins in less than 24 hours. And weekly blog posts are back for a few months (or until I procrastinate). WOOOOOO!

Now before I get to the material, just a note about my blogging in general. I’m all about efficiency this year. Work hasn’t stopped being busy ever since I started last year and 8 PM is the earliest I arrive home from my daily commute, if I leave on time. That doesn’t leave much time for eating, watching football, blogging, housework, sleeping, and doing it all over again the next day. Therefore, my goal is to keep the posts short and sweet, cutting out the unnecessary clutter wherever I can. That way, I can publish quality posts and not burn out and contemplate dropping it all mid-season (see 2011).

And with that last bit of long-windedness (I promise), let’s get this blog rolling. Music please, maestro.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 1 Preview
Again, efficiency is the key. I’ll go through the games and write a preview of ten words or less.

The Three Daves vs. Black Bush – Starting where last season ended. Championship game rematch.
TasteLikeItSmells vs. A fuckn shark ate me – Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ collaborators go head-to-head.
Tron vs. 19th St Gangsters – Gangsters may have two of first three picks on bench.
Good Ass Cheese vs. Piss On You – Stafford and Megatron. Teammates in real life. Opponents in fantasy.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. UnitedStatesofSpace- Last year’s two worst teams look to earn respect.

NFL – Week 1 Preview
For NFL contests, I’ll rate each game as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter (definitions below) and write a preview of ten words or less. Efficiency!

  • Shitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
  • Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
  • Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
Dallas at New York Giants
(Wed. 8:30 PM) – Football is back. All is right with the world.
San Francisco at Green Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Arguably, top NFC offense against top NFC defense.
Pittsburgh at Denver (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Peyton’s back! Can he go all game vs. Pittsburgh’s D?

Switchers
Indianapolis at Chicago
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Welcome to the NFL, Mr. Luck. Here’s an ice pack.
New England at Tennessee
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – The Titans are doing big things this year. Tough opener.
Atlanta at Kansas City
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Two teams on the rise, in my opinion.
Washington at New Orleans (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Drew Brees becomes first player-coach since Tom Landry.
Buffalo at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Will the Jets offense score? Or stall like preseason?
Miami at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Interest in the Dolphins plummets after Hard Knocks ends.
Cincinnati at Baltimore (Mon. 7:00 PM) – The classic battle of youth (Cincinnati) vs. wisdom (Baltimore).
San Diego at Oakland (Mon. 10:15 PM) – Historically, weird things happen in the second Monday night game.

Shitters
Philadelphia at Cleveland
(Sun. 1:00 PM) – Colt McCoy is rooting for Philly and a Weeden concussion.
Jacksonville at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – No MJD? No AP? No thanks.
St. Louis at Detroit (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Jeff Fisher’s first task: successfully cover Megatron. Have fun.
Seattle at Arizona (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Why didn’t Arizona trade for Tavaris Jackson?
Carolina at Tampa Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Schiano, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Jersey any more.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the neighborhood bookie near my office, pictured below. You can always find him outside reading the New York Post, yelling at kids, or eating a sandwich at the local deli. He knows football and he knows gambling, and wants to give tips to all the “bischero” out there. So listen up. He’s only saying this once.

Hey, paisan. Benny the Bookie here, ready to teach all you scungilli a thing or two about football, capisce? Here’s today’s lesson. Defense. Wins. Championships. If you wanna winner, you need a little Nicky Buoniconti runnin’ around back there, blowin’ shit up like roba da matti, eh? A good defense is like a nice sausage and peppers from Mama. Always hits the spot. And I like them both, which is why I’m takin’ Baltimore -6 against Cincinnati on Monday night. Good defense. Good sausage and peppers. What more ya want, huh?

Pugliese Power Pro Picks

We’ve got the pick’em group going again this year. More info to come after Week 1 is complete.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)

Survivor is back again as well. More info to come after Week 1 is complete.

Believe it or not, that’s it for this week’s blog. I’m telling you, efficiency. I feel like a young Dave Weisglass whispering “Profit Margin” every time I say that, but it really is important this year for the quality of my blog, as well as my sanity.

Enjoy Week 1. And welcome back football. We’ve missed you. Why don’t you stay awhile?

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Predictions And Prognostications 2012

Posted: September 4, 2012 in NFL

“The future ain’t what it used to be.” -Yogi Berra

The NFL regular season gets underway in less than 24 hours, but the prediction season has been going strong ever since the final seconds of Super Bowl XLVI ticked off the clock and the New York Giants paraded around Lucas Oil Stadium as World Champions. And of course, I’ve got the itch to play fortune teller with my own set of predictions and prognostications about the 2012 season. First, some music (this one’s for you Pat)…

There we go. I’ll be selecting the division winners and wild card teams for each conference, as well as breakout and bust teams. I’ve also got picks for the awards distributed at the end of the season. Then, I’ll list my eight “somewhat bold” predictions, one for each division. And last, but definitely not least, I’ll give my Super Bowl XLVII matchup and winner. Now let’s get to the predictions before Bill Cowher blows a gasket.

Division Winners & Wild Cards
AFC Division Winners: New England, Baltimore, Houston, Denver
AFC Wild Cards: Pittsburgh, Tennessee
NFC Division Winners: New York Giants, Green Bay, Atlanta, San Francisco
NFC Wild Cards: Detroit, New Orleans

Thoughts
In the AFC, I think New England and Houston are shoe-ins to win their respective divisions, barring any unforeseen circumstances. Between Baltimore and Pittsburgh, I think one of them wins the North and the other takes one of the wild card spots, but I give the edge to the Ravens this year, thanks to clutch play from Joe Flacco, the one-man rushing attack that is Ray Rice, and their defense that never seems to age. Denver gets the slight edge over Kansas City (not San Diego, more on that later) to win the West. Their defense is young and strong and they have this guy under center named Peyton Manning, maybe you’ve heard of him? Tennessee takes the other wild card spot. I really like the chemistry Jake Locker built with his offense during the preseason and I believe Chris Johnson will return to pre-2011 form.

In the NFC, Green Bay and San Francisco are the automatics. I give the edge in the East to the Giants, although it’s a slight edge. Atlanta is poised for a breakout year behind the high-powered offense of Matt Ryan, Roddy White, Julio Jones & Company, which is why I think they take South. Detroit takes one of the wild card spots, as I believe (and hope, for fantasy purposes) Matthew Stafford will stay healthy and no one (defenders or Madden Curse) will be able to slow down Megatron. The other wild card spot goes to New Orleans. It’s a close battle between the Eagles, Cowboys, and Bears, but I give the advantage to the Saints, since Drew Brees not only knows how to win, but he’s basically running the team with Sean Payton being suspended for the season.

Breakout & Bust Teams
AFC Breakout: Kansas City
AFC Bust: San Diego
NFC Breakout: Carolina
NFC Bust: Dallas

Thoughts
Let’s start with Kansas City. Their squad was decimated last year by injuries and the general ineffectiveness of Todd Haley at head coach. But entering 2012, the Chiefs’ positives greatly outweigh the negatives. Romeo Crennel enters his first full season as head coach (remember, he helped Kansas City beat Green Bay last season, their only regular season loss). Jamaal Charles is healthy and ready to run. Newly acquired Peyton Hillis is poised to be the “Thunder to Charles’ “Lightning.” And don’t forget about new offensive coordinator Brian Daboll, who will immediately enhance the offense’s performance.

On the flip side, San Diego will have a disappointing season. Vincent Jackson is gone. Mike Tolbert is gone. Vincent Brown is shelved until November at the earliest and Ryan Mathews is on the mend as well. Philip Rivers has Antonio Gates as his top receiving target, but Gates always seems to find his way to the injured list. Looking at San Diego’s schedule, after opening the season at Oakland on Monday night, the Chargers follow with home games against Tennessee and Atlanta, then traveling to Kansas City and New Orleans, and finishing at home against Denver before their bye week. If you’re keeping track, that could be a record of 1-5, or even (gasp!) 0-6 by mid-October.

Carolina is on the way up this season. Cam Newton experienced a record-setting 2011 and I think he’ll go through a sophomore bump, rather than slump. His chemistry with Steve Smith can only improve from last season and the rushing attack of DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, and Mike Tolbert will ease some of the pressure off of Newton’s shoulders (or arm). Sure, their schedule isn’t easy and they live in a stacked division, but I think at least an 8-8 campaign is reasonable for the Panthers.

Which brings me to Dallas. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic. Or maybe I’m turning into my dad. But I just don’t see it from the Cowboys this year. I hope I’m wrong, but they have way too many question marks to be considered a contender in my mind. Can DeMarco Murray continue the success he had last season before injuring his foot? Can any of the receivers stay healthy throughout the season? Can the offensive line do their job and keep Tony Romo upright? Can the secondary back up the performance of the front seven and prevent opposing offenses from running free? I want to say yes, but I can’t say it confidently. As tough as it is to say, it’s going to be a down year for the Cowboys. If you’re listening Dallas, please prove me wrong.

Season Awards
Most Valuable Player: Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans
Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady, QB, New England
Defensive Player of the Year: Patrick Willis, LB, San Francisco
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Doug Martin, RB, Tampa Bay
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Chandler Jones, DE, New England

Eight “Somewhat Bold” Predictions

AFC East – Buffalo is the top team outside of the AFC “playoff bubble.”
The Bills are on the up and up this season, thanks to a much-improved defense, headlined by the acquisition of Mario Williams. They won’t make the playoffs (you can blame Stevie Johnson’s drops for that), but there’s a lot of promise for Buffalo’s future.

AFC North – Cleveland clinches the top spot in the 2013 Draft.
Cleveland’s schedule is absolutely brutal. Not only do they go against a very strong AFC North for six games, but they also have the luxury of eight games against an always-tough NFC East and a much-improved AFC West. The other two games? Buffalo at home and Indianapolis on the road. I highly doubt anyone, other than Browns fans, can go through their schedule and confidently pick out three definite wins this year. Why so happy Mr. Weeden?

AFC South – Indianapolis wins at least six games behind Andrew Luck.
The Colts are not a bad team. They’re not even the worst team in their division. Sure, Andrew Luck is a rookie, and we know how well the last rookie QB fared in Indianapolis (Peyton Manning went 3-13). But Manning didn’t have the talent that Luck has in front of him. An aging but able Reggie Wayne will provide a nice target, as will Coby Fleener, Luck’s security blanket since their old playing days at Stanford U. What remains to be seen is if the offensive line can keep Luck comfortable and not running for his life all season.

AFC West – All four starting RBs (Jamaal Charles, Ryan Mathews, Darren McFadden, Willis McGahee) miss at least one game each during the regular season.
Mathews is already likely to miss the season opener with his broken collarbone from the preseason. McFadden has yet to prove he can stay healthy throughout an NFL season. Charles is returning from a significant knee injury and is bound to absorb some nicks and bruises after being sidelined since last September. And McGahee is a 30-year old running back, which by NFL standards means he’ll be using a walker and an AARP card in about two years.

NFC East – The division title is not clinched until Week 17.
The NFC East is always a dogfight, plain and simple (no, that Michael Vick pun wasn’t intended). Can you remember the last time the NFC East division winner won the title by more than one game? The year was 2008, and the Giants were the top dogs (these Vick puns have to stop). In fact, last season, the division title was decided not only during the final week, but during the final game of the regular season. All in all, the NFC East will do a lot of barking before the Week 17 bite (I know, that one was forced).

NFC North – Chicago earns the distinction of top defense in the league.
Let’s face it. The Bears’ defense is getting old. Brian Urlacher is 34. Julius Peppers is 32. Lance Briggs and Charles Tillman are 31. To be cliche, Chicago’s “window” is closing. Urlacher & Company know this, and with their rejuvenated offense (oh hey Brandon Marshall), the defense will go balls to the wall in the hopes of making 2012 a Super year. They might not have many more chances.

NFC South – All four teams go at least 7-9.
I think the Buccaneers are the only team that might prevent this prediction from becoming reality. The Falcons and Saints will definitely earn winning records and I think the Panthers can turn in a solid 8-8 year. The Bucs were a major disappointment last season, leading to the hiring of Greg Schiano and a culture change in Tampa Bay. If Doug Martin pans out the way experts think he will, and Josh Freeman reverts to his 2010 form, the Buccaneers should have no problem picking up seven wins.

NFC West – Marshawn Lynch wins the rushing title.
Yes, I know. This prediction is influenced by my own interests (Lynch is a starter on both of my fantasy teams), but if he can continue the momentum he built up at the end of last season, a rushing title will not be out of reach. After years of struggling in Buffalo, Lynch has found his niche in Seattle. He’s a hard runner and arguably the best option for a Seahawk offense led by rookie Russell Wilson. If Lynch can stay injury-free, Seattle (and my fantasy teams) will benefit greatly. And maybe then, he can refresh everyone’s memory on how to tip their whip and/or cart.

Super Bowl XLVII – New England vs. Green Bay
I know. I’m not really going out on a limb here. It might be the “safe” pick, but it’s hard to choose any other matchup with confidence. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick just know how to win (except in their last couple Super Bowls) and Green Bay seems to be way ahead any other NFC team. As long as both teams don’t have an off day during the playoffs (looking more at you, Packers), Super Bowl XLVII should be an offensive clinic, and an exciting one at that. But hey, if some other teams want to sneak in there (ahem, Dallas, cough), be my guest. Just make it a good game please. And maybe I can win my box pool? Pretty please?
Winner: Green Bay

Those are my predictions. Now let’s see how many actually materialize. I’d be happy with half. Like Bernie Mac.

Thank you, good night.

“Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.” -Jay Mohr

I know. It’s not Christmas. And the summer is fading faster than Terrell Owens’ future job prospects. School is starting back up, the days are getting shorter, the weather is getting cooler, and who can forget the dreaded “No White After Labor Day” rule? It’s down right depressing. What is one to look forward to in these challenging times?

Football. Glorious, glorious football.

America’s favorite pastime (sorry, baseball) will be in full swing (wow, a baseball pun pertaining to football) sooner than you know it. And that makes me grin ear to ear. The college season began this past weekend and the NFL starts its season unconventionally this upcoming Wednesday. And with the commencement of the NFL, so begins fantasy football, my favorite pastime.

I’m taking part in two leagues this season: the league I’ve been running, entering its fourth year, as well as a new league, commissioned by my boss. Let’s start with the league I manage, Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party (formerly known as God Hates The Eagles). With the Chappelle’s Show theme being utilized for the second year in a row, I felt the new league name was much more relevant. But it’s not the only change. The league downsized during the offseason, going from twelve teams to ten. How about we meet those teams? Enjoy the Chappelle references. They never get old.

UnitedStatesofSpace (Stephen)
2011 Record and Rank: 1-13, 12th
Players Kept This Year: Sebastian Janikowski
Top Three Draft Picks: Aaron Rodgers, Frank Gore, Mike Wallace
Outlook: After ranking dead last in 2011, UnitedStatesofSpace can only go up this year. The ultimate goal? A championship. And Mars. Red rocks. YAY YAAAYYYY!

RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA (Zach)
2011 Record and Rank: 5-9, 11th
Players Kept This Year: Baltimore Defense
Top Three Draft Picks: Ray Rice, Peyton Manning, Jamaal Charles
Outlook: Risk averse is not a way I would describe RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA, at least in terms of this year’s draft. Manning and Charles are coming off season-long injuries. Pair that with the several 49ers selected (Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, David Akers) and you’ve got the definition of a boom-or-bust team. And you know Wayne Brady doesn’t want a bust. Unless it’s attached to one of his hos.

Piss On You (Greg)
2011 Record and Rank: 6-8, 10th
Players Kept This Year: Darren McFadden
Top Three Draft Picks: Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Marques Colston
Outlook: Piss On You will ride their big WRs all year. Literally. Johnson, Colston, and Vincent Jackson are 6’4″ or more. Dwayne Bowe is the shrimp of the group at 6’2″. TE Jermichael Finley (6’5″) complements the figurative skyline of pass-catchers. If McFadden can stay healthy, this team will be dangerous. Just like R. Kelly at a junior prom.

A fuckn shark ate me (Pat)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 9th
Players Kept This Year: Arian Foster, Michael Vick
Top Three Draft Picks: LeSean McCoy, Dez Bryant, Brandon Marshall
Outlook: STACKED! THAT’S HOW TO DESCRIBE A FUCKN SHARK ATE ME IN ONE WORD! THEY OWN TWO OF THE THREE ELITE RUNNING BACKS (Foster and McCoy), AS WELL AS TWO WIDEOUTS WITH HUGE POTENTIAL THIS SEASON (Bryant and Marshall)! NO, I CAN’T STOP YELLIN’! THIS IS HOW I TALK! YES, THEY DESERVE TO DIE! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

19th St Gangsters (Osche)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 5th
Players Kept This Year: Cam Newton, Darren Sproles
Top Three Draft Picks: Maurice Jones-Drew, Hakeem Nicks, Adrian Peterson
Outlook: The 19th St Gangsters are another boom-or-bust team. Their first-round draft pick (MJD) recently ended his holdout for a new contract, so who knows how he’ll perform, while their next two picks (Nicks and Peterson) are fighting injuries. Newton and Sproles will keep this team in the hunt, granted they can mimic their production from last season, as well as stay away from another war against the River Terrace Crew.

Good Ass Cheese (Joe)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 6th
Players Kept This Year: Matthew Stafford, Steve Smith
Top Three Draft Picks: Jimmy Graham, Greg Jennings, Fred Jackson
Outlook: Despite all efforts, Good Ass Cheese could not keep the Stafford-Megatron connection together for 2012. That being said, the team still has solid options at all the skill positions. Stafford, however, is the unquestioned leader. A long-term injury could cancel a championship appearance, something that Arsenio Hall knows all too well.

Tron (Wayne)
2011 Record and Rank: 9-5, 4th
Players Kept This Year: Tony Gonzalez
Top Three Draft Picks: Chris Johnson, Andre Johnson, DeMarco Murray
Outlook: After two straight fourth-place finishes, Tron has the makings of a team ready to surpass that ranking. The Johnsons (Chris and Andre) will score early and often, as long as they can stay healthy. Eli Manning will quietly pass his way to another successful season. And hopefully, Mohamed Massaquoi will have the breakout year that everyone has been awaiting. Either that, or James Harrison will tell him “Night night. Keep yo’ butthole tight.”

TastesLikeItSmells (Mike)
2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 3rd
Players Kept This Year: Julio Jones, A.J. Green
Top Three Draft Picks: Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Ryan Mathews
Outlook: TastesLikeItSmells (…Delicious!) could be an extremely potent team this season, headlined by the Brady-Welker partnership. Jones (age 23) and Green (age 24) may be young, but they can go toe-to-toe with any other top-tier WR (except maybe Megatron) in the league. RBs are the only questionable spot, with Mathews fighting injuries, as well as Willis McGahee and Cedric Benson facing uncertainty in their roles.

Black Bush (Jim)
2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 2nd
Players Kept This Year: Victor Cruz, Aaron Hernandez
Top Three Draft Picks: Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, Trent Richardson
Outlook: If Drew Brees can lead New Orleans, he can lead Black Bush. Fitzgerald and Richardson are question marks at the moment due to their situations (QB battle in Arizona and the Browns being the Browns), but Cruz and Hernandez will be strong producers for the team. And Black Bush is the home to two black Bushes, Reggie and Michael. They got forty nations ready to roll, son!

The Three Daves (John)
2011 Record and Rank: 11-3, 1st
Players Kept This Year: Jordy Nelson, Rob Gronkowski
Top Three Draft Picks: Matt Forte, Roddy White, Philip Rivers
Outlook: After dominating last season and claiming their first championship, The Three Daves have three big targets on their back. The question is how they’ll respond to the competition this season: the 18-year old way (“HELP!”), the 24-year old way (“Smoke weed every day.”) or the 30-year old way (“Fuck Nick Cannon.”). Just the keepers alone (Nelson and Gronkowski) show that this team is prepared to defend last year’s title and go after another one in 2012. Rivers may be a downgrade at QB compared to Drew Brees last year, but Forte and White will pick up the slack and keep The Daves (all three of them) competitive.

So that’s Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party. I won’t go into too much detail about the other league I’m in, but I will be following it all season and providing performance updates throughout the year. It’s a league that my boss and I discussed creating ever since we found out that we both enjoy fantasy football. Not only will I be competing with my boss, but my cousin Anthony is joining in the fun, so I get to report on my team’s progress, as well as Anthony’s. Our goal is to blow away the rest of the league and face each other in the championship.

Here’s our Week 1 starting lineups, just to give some perspective on our teams.

  • My Team: Michael Vick at QB (ugh), Wes Welker and Brandon Marshall at WR, Ray Rice and Marshawn Lynch at RB, Jimmy Graham at TE, Dez Bryant at Flex, Garrett Hartley at K, and Dallas at DEF.
  • Anthony’s Team: Tony Romo at QB, Roddy White and Greg Jennings at WR, LeSean McCoy and DeMarco Murray at RB, Tony Gonzalez at TE, Marques Colston at Flex, Mike Nugent at K and Baltimore at DEF.

Alright, enough about fantasy teams. It’s time to get ready. Fantasy Football 2012 begins now.

Good luck. You just may need it.

What the hell’s going on here? The Chiefs, with new head coach Romeo Crennel, took down the Packers for their first loss of the season. The Titans became the NFL’s laughing stock by losing to the previously winless Colts. Then the Colts won again on Thursday, beating the Texans, and effectively making the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes a three-team race. And with all the unexpected performances last week (Washington beating the Giants, Philadelphia crushing the Jets, both Baltimore and Pittsburgh falling), the NFL playoff picture becomes even more complicated. It’s definitely been a cold week in the land of H-E-double hockey stick.

Let me start off by apologizing for the crappy blogs lately. I just haven’t had the energy to write complete posts. You know how it is this time of year. Everyone’s in a rush. The kids are all bitching about Tickle Me Elmo and Pokemon and whatever the hell else they’re crying about. Johnson from accounting is breathing down your neck. Traffic’s a nightmare. You gotta cook 87 pounds of food for all the family coming over. AND THOSE DAMN PRESENTS STILL HAVE TO BE WRAPPED.

Now to the football. Let’s talk about fantasy. shirts vs. blouses was no match last week for the all-powerful Gay Landscaper squad. The Landscapers beat SVB and their crew of flunkies by fifty. And after two losses to NiggerBook in the regular season, the third time was finally the charm for Hater of the Year. The Haters advance to the championship, even though they’re limping in, as the team has been decimated by injury. In the consolation, Red Balls and Samuel Jackson Beer were both victorious. Nobody cares.

So this week decides it all. Gay Landscaper and Hater of the Year will duke it out for the championship and top bragging rights during the offseason. NiggerBook and shirts vs. blouses will decide who can call their season a wash (since they’ll win back their $25 entry fee). And the consolation matchups (Red Balls vs. Samuel Jackson Beer, The Only Girl Here vs. I’m Rick James Bitch) will determine the much-coveted fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth draft slots for next season. Here’s some motivation for everyone.

Now the NFL. I’ll try to say a quick thing about each game. And begin. Patriots clinch a first-round bye with a win against the Dolphins. Oakland and Kansas City are fighting in the wide open AFC West. Vikings take themselves out of the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes with a win over the Redskins. No one cares about Carolina and Tampa Bay, but maybe Cam Newton will score some more rushing touchdowns. Tennessee will try to bounce back against Jacksonville after becoming Indianapolis’ first victim. Baltimore can stay in the driver’s seat in the AFC North with a win against Cleveland. THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK (in New Jersey)! Roethlisberger could probably beat the Rams by himself while sitting on the bench. Arizona and Cincinnati are both still alive in the playoff race. Tebow can produce a Christmas miracle and guide the Broncos to a playoff spot with some help. Chargers/Lions could be the most intriguing game this week since both teams need the win. The Niners go to the toughest stadium in the NFL to try to wrap up the number two seed. All I want for Christmas is a Dallas win. The Packers should rebound against the awful Bears. And the last Monday Night game is a doozy, with New Orleans and Atlanta jockeying for position in the NFC South.

That takes care of the football. Here’s all the other stuff.

J&R’s Pizza Celebrity Customer picks: Ken Stewart takes Pittsburgh -10.5. Michael Cummings takes Philadelphia +1. Boiler Bill takes Miami +8.5. James Varano’s Dad takes the New York Giants +3. I promise there will be full picks with stories in next week’s post.

Let’s see. What else? Pick’em league current top five are John, Jen, Jess, Greg, and Wayne. My mom has fallen into sixth place. She’s a darkhorse to come back and win it all. The survivor pool second place battle could finally come to an end today. Anthony’s pick of Houston did not come through this week, so if Washington beats Minnesota, Jeff takes second place.

Here’s some seasonal Chappelle.

And if you want some seasonal music, I’m really digging this clip.

And there’s always this classic.

And that’s all I got. I need to shower and get ready for the Christmas Eve festivities. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. And, of course, HAPPY FESTIVUS!

Enjoy Week 16.

I try to write my blog without a personal bias to my teams, but after what happened last week, I need just a momentary lapse.

Begin rant.

Let’s start with the Cowboys. What the fuck Dallas? What the fuck? You were up 34-22 against the Giants with five minutes to go in the game and you blow it. As my cousin Joe would say, that game should have been in the bag. A win would have essentially locked up the division title. But no. Of course, you guys like to make things as difficult as possible. Why take a two-game lead when you can just be even with the Giants? And everyone who wants to blame Tony Romo for this loss needs to update their argument. Romo isn’t the problem folks. It’s that goddamn defense. Sure, if Romo and Miles Austin could have connected on that third down pass, the game would have been over, but as a defense, your only goal is to prevent your opponent from scoring. And the Dallas defense failed. Miserably. NBC put up a stat after the game that said it all. From 1960 to 2010, the Cowboys only lost twice after holding like a ten-point lead in the fourth quarter (I don’t remember the exact number). You know how many times they’ve lost with the same circumstances this season. Three times. THREE TIMES. THREE FUCKING TIMES. I’m looking at you and your absurdly large stomach, Rob Ryan.

Now let’s go to my fantasy team. The planets aligned last week. I (Red Balls) beat my brother (Wexler HFB) for my fourth win in a row. McDaniel (The Only Girl Here) worked her magic yet again and knocked out Matt (I’m Rick James Bitch). Wayne (NiggerBook) beat Pat (Fuck Your Couch). Mike (shirts vs. blouses) even managed to take down Osche (Samuel Jackson Beer). It was perfect. My furious late-season comeback would finally pay off with a berth in the Championship Bracket. But noooooooo. I, like the Cowboys, like to make things difficult on myself. Poor roster moves have defined my fantasy season, and last week was no different. For some brilliant reason, I felt it was a good idea to start BenJarvus Green-Ellis over other players, like Brandon Pettigrew, Jabar Gaffney, and Damian Williams. Those last three guys all scored at least six points each. Green-Ellis scored two. Usually, I wouldn’t care since I won my matchup. But with all of last week’s results, my team and Mike’s team ended up at 8-6 in a fight for the last playoff spot. The tiebreaker: total points scored this season. Mike’s team exploded for 170 points last week, bringing his total for the season to 1613.21. My team only mustered 90 points, making my total for the season 1609.56. I missed the playoffs by 3.65 points. THREE POINT SIX FIVE FUCKING POINTS.

End rant.

Sorry. I had to do that. My ranting, however, reminds me of one of my favorite Family Guy clips.

It’s also funny how quickly this was all forgotten. After this whole mess unfolded Sunday night, I went to work on Monday, more disappointed than usual. I was very unhappy. But things got immediately better when I had my year-end review with my boss, where I found out I’d be receiving a raise and a hefty bonus. Then, last night, in even better news, my girlfriend became my fiancĂ©. I am truly a lucky guy.

As you can imagine, I haven’t had much time to prepare a blog this week, which is why I’m going with the super short version. Let’s do it.

OK. So in fantasy, the Championship Bracket semifinals are (1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) shirts vs. blouses and (2) NiggerBook vs. (3) Hater of the Year. The Consolation Bracket has (5) Red Balls vs. (8) I’m Rick James Bitch and (6) The Only Girl Here vs. (7) Samuel Jackson Beer. Finally, playing tennis on the Moon right now are (9) Fuck Your Couch, (10) Negrodamus, (11) I H8 U, and (12) Wexler HFB.

In the NFL, all eyes are on the New England at Denver contest. Can Tim Tebow engineer yet another victory for the Broncos and their push to the playoffs? I’m happy because the Cowboys won last night. Go Redskins and Jets.

Here are the J&R’s Pizza Celebrity Customer football picks for Week 15. Ken Stewart takes New Orleans -7.5. Michael Cummings takes the New York Jets +3. Boiler Bill takes Miami +1. James Varano’s Dad takes Cincinnati -7.

This week’s Chappelle’s Show sketch is part of the reparations checks episode. I bought this baby cash.

Here’s some music for your listening ears.

Other news. John is the only male in the top four in the pick’em group. Anthony and Jeff are still fighting for second place in the survivor pool. And, of course, I can’t forget about the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week, which I’m giving to myself. Why? Because Ken has told me for years and years to never get married. But after all his advice, I went against his wishes, and now I’m engaged. I only wish I could find Ken somewhere in Lancaster and tell him the news to see his actual response. I could only hope a DAAAAAMMMNNN would be part of it.

That’s all for this week. I’ll try to get back to the usual blog format next week, but I’m not making any promises, due to my great procrastinating skills and the upcoming holidays. Enjoy Week 15.

The Packers won and they’re still undefeated. There’s the intro. That’s all I have time for. Here’s a picture of a dog.

God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 13 Recap

Gay Landscaper 150.34, shirts vs. blouses 74.47- Another dominating performance from Gay Landscaper pushes their win streak to five games. The victory, along with Hater of the Year’s loss, means that the Landscapers clinch the top spot in the Championship Bracket with a week to go in the regular season.

NiggerBook 151.03, Hater of the Year 146.71- The losing streak increases to four games for Hater with a shootout loss to NiggerBook. Despite the recent dry spell, Hater still controls their own destiny and can make the Championship Bracket with a win next week. NiggerBook can also say the same, thanks to this week’s results.

Fuck Your Couch 113.29, I’m Rick James Bitch 110.04- Hope is still alive for FYC after sweeping the season series against I’m Rick James Bitch. In their two meetings this year, the combined margin of victory for FYC is a mere five points. The loss puts I’m Rick James Bitch in a tough spot, as they’ll have to win next week and score enough to clear the tiebreaker for entry into the Championship Bracket.

The Only Girl Here 147.28, Samuel Jackson Beer 138.93- All 7-6 teams fighting for that last spot in the top four owe The Only Girl Here a huge thank you. Down by sixty heading into Monday night, TOGH made a monstrous comeback and stole an SJB win that would have ended Championship Bracket hopes for several teams. THANK YOU MCDANIEL!

Red Balls 126.90, Negrodamus 96.38- Red Balls continues their push to the playoffs with their third win in a row, sweeping Negrodamus for the season. For a team that scored as much as they did throughout the year, Negrodamus fell apart at the wrong time. The loss to Red Balls ensured that the Consolation Bracket is the best they’ll do this postseason.

I H8 U 170.54, Wexler HFB 64.79- If Ken Stewart could read, he’d say DAAAAAMMMNNN after seeing this result. The only positive for Wexler is that they have now wrapped up the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes, earning next year’s number one overall spot in the draft.

And with that, here are the standings with only one week to go in the regular season.

Current Playoff Picture

Championship Bracket
(1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) I’m Rick James Bitch
(2) Hater of the Year vs. (3) NiggerBook

Consolation Bracket
(5) Samuel Jackson Beer vs. (8) shirts vs. blouses
(6) Red Balls vs. (7) Fuck Your Couch

Playing Tennis On The Moon
(9) The Only Girl Here (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
(10) Negrodamus (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
(11) I H8 U (eliminated from all postseason contention)
(12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from all postseason contention)

God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 14 Preview

Gay Landscaper vs. Negrodamus- Gay Landscaper won their previous meeting in Week 2. With the number one seed wrapped up, Gay Landscaper can take it easy this week. Negrodamus would definitely appreciate it, especially since a loss would end their season and send them packing to play tennis on the Moon. I wish I could find that Chappelle’s clip.

Hater of the Year vs. I H8 U- Hater of the Year won their previous meeting in Week 3. It’s the Hate Bowl, part II. Hater of the Year would hate (pun intended) to drop their fifth game in a row, but the reality is that as long as I’m Rick James Bitch doesn’t score about 30 points higher than Hater this week and Samuel Jackson Beer doesn’t score about 45 points higher than Hater this week, then they’re in the Championship Bracket. On the flip side, if I H8 U played the whole season like they have the last three weeks, they would actually be doing some hating on teams instead of being hated on. HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

NiggerBook vs. Fuck Your Couch- NiggerBook won their previous meeting in Week 2. NiggerBook is in the same boat as Hater of the Year. A loss wouldn’t fully knock them out of the top four, but the team would then have to rely on the total points tiebreaker to stay in. A loss for FYC, however, will end their slim Championship Bracket dreams and send them to either the Consolation Bracket or the Moon.

I’m Rick James Bitch vs. The Only Girl Here- I’m Rick James Bitch won their previous meeting in Week 3. TOGH may have spoiled Samuel Jackson Beer’s season by beating them last week. Can they play the role of spoiler again this week and take down I’m Rick James Bitch? A TOGH win would squash any chance of an I’m Rick James Bitch championship.

Samuel Jackson Beer vs. shirts vs. blouses- shirts vs. blouses won their previous meeting in Week 2. Both teams went through tough losses last week that significantly downgraded their chances of entering the Championship Bracket. But the door isn’t shut just yet. A win for either team and enough scoring to beat the tiebreaker would put the winner into the fourth and final spot.

Red Balls vs. Wexler HFB- Wexler HFB won their previous meeting in Week 1. It seems like ancient history at this point, but believe it or not, Wexler HFB was the top team in the league after Week 1. Now they’ve lost twelve in a row and can make it a baker’s dozen with a final defeat against Red Balls, the only team they’ve beat all year.

Playoff Scenarios
Here’s what needs to happen for the eligible teams remaining to clinch a berth in the Championship Bracket.

Hater of the Year- Win OR Loss + sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
NiggerBook- Win OR Loss + sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
I’m Rick James Bitch- Win + Losses by SJB/RB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
Samuel Jackson Beer- Win + Losses by IRJB/RB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
Red Balls- Win + Losses by IRJB/SJB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
Fuck Your Couch- Win + Losses by IRJB/SJB/RB OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.
shirts vs. blouses- Win + Losses by IRJB/RB/FYC OR sufficient rank of total points scored between 8-6 teams.

NFL – Week 13 Recap

Seahawks 31, Eagles 14- I got to watch this game with a guy originally from Seattle. He argued that the Seahawks were one of the best teams in the league because they beat the Giants, Ravens, and now the Eagles. Needless to say, it was a fun experience.

Texans 17, Falcons 10- The game-managing abilities of rookie quarterback T.J. Yates were put to the test. Somehow, they were enough to emerge victorious over Atlanta. I think Houston’s defense might have had something to do with that. But it never seems to get any easier this season for the Texans. Mario Williams gone. Andre Johnson injured. Matt Schaub gone. And now Johnson is injured again. Somebody REALLY doesn’t want the Texans succeeding this year.

Titans 23, Bills 17- The Titans are doing their best to stay in the playoff hunt, as it seems like the team is finally clicking. Buffalo wishes they could say the same, since they stopped clicking after September. Now they’re just the same old Bills, prepping for another losing season.

Patriots 31, Colts 24- Dan Orlovsky made things very interesting in New England, but as expected, the Colts fell to the Patriots, pushing their record to 0-12. There is a silver lining in this loss, however, for Indianapolis fans. The way it looks right now, the Colts will probably take Andrew Luck in next year’s draft. That’s a positive. Peyton Manning will probably return. That’s a positive. And the Colts will most likely be playing a last-place schedule next year. Another positive. Sure, the Colts might be historically bad this season, but after a smart draft and free agency period, the team could easily return to its pre-2011 form. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

Chiefs 10, Bears 3- Zach Good gave his game ball last week to Kyle Orton, who debuted for the Chiefs and broke his finger all in the same play. Nice work Neckbeard. Speaking of injuries, Matt Forte sprained his MCL, which speaks to why the Bears could only muster up three points. The loss, along with the current state of the team, has made Chicago’s shot at a playoff spot about as likely as holding on to one of these things for a minute.

Jets 34, Redskins 19- I was right about the Jets looking flat in this game. But Rex Ryan must have had quite the speech for his team, because they came out firing in the second half. Shonn Greene totaled three touchdowns on the ground, which are more than he scored in the 2009 and 2010 campaigns. Fireman Ed likes that.

Dolphins 34, Raiders 14- If the Dolphins played this season the way they have the last month or so, they’d probably be in the playoff picture right now. After leading 34-0, Miami gave up some sympathy points to Oakland, letting them score two garbage touchdowns. Dan Marino was none too happy, especially since the last bet of his parlay was a Miami shutout.

That clip never gets old.

Steelers 35, Bengals 7- Cincinnati never had a chance. Kind of like me writing more about this game.

Broncos 35, Vikings 32- The Tebow strikes again. Thanks to a costly Christian Ponder interception late in the fourth quarter, the Broncos rallied for their fifth straight win on a last-second field goal. I’m not a Tebow fan, but he continues to keep his team in a position to win the game, no matter how low his number or completions are. Enjoy it now Denver because I don’t think it’ll last much longer past this year.

Panthers 38, Buccaneers 19- Cam Newton now has 13 rushing touchdowns this season. You know how many running backs have that many rushing touchdowns? Zero.

Oh yeah, Raheem Morris sent a player home during the game.

Ravens 24, Browns 10- Can anyone even pretend to be interested in the Browns right now? I cannot.

Packers 38, Giants 35- This game looked eerily similar to the 2007 regular season finale when the Giants fell to the undefeated Patriots 38-35. After that loss, the Giants ran the table, got a rematch with the Patriots, and ended their dreams of an undefeated season. I hate to say that because first, I’m a Dallas fan, and second, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Packers go undefeated this season. Hopefully, the Giants just continue to lose. That’d be great.

Cardinals 19, Cowboys 13- Bob Knight’s disappointment says it better than any words I could put here.

The only saving grace for the Cowboys’ loss is that every other team in the NFC playoff race (New York, Chicago, Detroit, Atlanta) all lost in Week 13. But seriously, the Cardinals?!? Ugh.

49ers 26, Rams 0- The 49ers struck gold in the NFC West, clinching their division with a shutout victory against St. Louis. It’ll be San Francisco’s first trip to the playoffs since 2002, when Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens guided them to a 10-6 record and eventually, a loss to Tampa Bay in the divisional round.

Saints 31, Lions 17- The Lions may have a young and talented squad, but they also have a young and undisciplined squad. They racked up eleven penalties for 107 yards against the Saints and exercised very poor judgment. By the way, only six running backs had more rushing yards than Detroit had penalty yards in Week 13. Impressive.

Chargers 38, Jaguars 14- San Diego finally looked like how San Diego should look, but that’s because they went against Jacksonville’s poor excuse of a team. In a related note, I heard a radio interview with the Jaguars’ interim head coach Mel Tucker and I realized immediately he would never become a full-time head coach. The man cannot speak. His answers to questions had more uhhs and umms than anything. I know I’m not a talented speaker (or anywhere close to one), but Tucker makes me look like JFK. I can’t find the clip, but just imagine this plus more uhhs and umms and plenty of recycled cliches.

NFL – Week 14 Preview

Here are the game ratings for Week 14.

New Orleans at Tennessee (1 PM)- Both teams need this win. The Saints are trying to keep up with the 49ers, in case they unexpectedly stumble. The Titans are pushing the division-leading Texans for the AFC South’s top spot, as well as trying to stay afloat in the AFC wild card race. Either way, it should be an entertaining contest with lots of offense.

Houston at Cincinnati (1 PM)- It’s been a rough past few weeks for the Bengals. Their schedule has been quite unforgiving and their grip on a wild card spot has weakened. It doesn’t get any easier this week with Houston coming into town. The Texans boast the second-ranked defense in the league and have not allowed more than 14 points since mid-October. Cincinnati must rely on their defense to pressure T.J. Yates and stop the Houston rushing attack, and then hope they can generate some offense of their own.

Oakland at Green Bay (4:15 PM)- This week’s test might be just a tad easier for the Packers. Sure, Oakland is a better team record-wise than the Giants, but they have looked awful the last couple weeks. And the Raiders have never been known for their ability to play in cold-weather cities.

New York Giants at Dallas (8:20 PM)- Can you say huge NFC East contest? Both teams have not looked spectacular lately. The Giants have lost their last four games. The Cowboys have needed last-second field goals to win their last three games, which didn’t work out too well in Arizona last week. But the winner of tonight’s contest takes the lead in the division and controls their own destiny to the playoffs. Jason Garrett, here’s a tip: Don’t. Ice. Anyone. Thanks.

Atlanta at Carolina (1 PM)- Atlanta needs a win to keep pace in the NFC wild card race, but Carolina is not the pushover that they used to be. Thanks to Cam Newton and his abundance of one-yard touchdown runs, the Panthers have averaged 33 points in their last three games. Plus, Atlanta never plays well on the road. Especially when this guy is watching.

Chicago at Denver (4:05 PM)- Chicago wraps up their four-game AFC West tour in the Mile High City, where the beer flows like wine and pass completions come at a premium. And, as always, Charles Barkley speaks for all of us.

San Francisco at Arizona (4:05 PM)- The Niners may have clinched a playoff spot, but their work is not done yet. First round byes don’t come around too often. San Francisco, don’t be like Dallas. Beat the Cardinals.

New England at Washington (1 PM)- This could have been the Albert Haynesworth rematch, but since he’s fat, lazy, and more focused on money and sliding credit cards down women’s cleavage, he’s been let go. It unfortunate, because you know he would have had a crazy six-sack game or something. But probably not.

Kansas City at New York Jets (1 PM)- I’m guessing the Chiefs will need more than ten points to beat the Jets, which seems to be quite the obstacle ever since Tyler Palko took over. New York, just score two touchdowns and call the doctor in the morning.

Buffalo at San Diego (4:15 PM)- Both teams are 5-7, which means another loss assures a non-winning season. That’s expected out of Buffalo. San Diego, not so much. See you in the unemployment line Norv.

OK. I don’t have time to do the rest of the matchups. I’m too lazy and that couch is calling my ass over.

And that brings us to the music break. Today’s music break is brought to you by Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce, the only hot sauce guaranteed to make you shed tears of joy. With the holiday season fast approaching, there’s bound to be a few people on your gift-giving list with a question mark next to their name. But now, for a limited time, you can turn that question mark into a check mark for half the price. That’s because every bottle of Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce has been marked down 50%. That’s right. Every flavor. Every size. All marked down 50%. So whether you’ve got a hot sauce aficionado on your list, or someone who only dabbles in spice, show them the holiday spirit with Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce, the only hot sauce guaranteed to make you shed tears of joy.

J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Football Pool

Everyone made a winning pick last week, except Ken Stewart. Here are the standings with only four weeks to go.

And here are the picks for Week 14.

Ken Stewart: This is not good dude. I lost and everybody won last week. I can’t make any money that way dude. Speaking of making money, I’m thinking about taking a job down at the Rob Evans on Route 30. They pay everyone there every week, but at Damien’s, they pay every two weeks, so it’s like twice the money. I gotta get the hell outta there dude. Those assholes are cwazy as hell. They want me working there until like two in the morning every night in December since it’s Christmas. I’m like UHH-SCUSE ME DUDE! What the hell…is your pwoblem? I like to to go home too you know. I didn’t get a job to work all the damn time. The only good thing is I get to avoid Patty. Less time with her bitching. Women are all the same young Joe. They take all your money, nag, nag, nag, and then they tell you to get out. You don’t need that dude. Well, time to get back to Damien’s. Damn assholes cut my bweak down to like ten minutes. I told them they got no respect for the ployees. It’s terribull. Give me San Francisco -3.5 this week. I hope they win dude. Take it easy young Joseph.

Michael Cummings: Thank God I’m in the lead. I hate my job at Build-A-Bear. All the kinds in there run around and knock everything down. Then when I tell them to stop, they just keep doing it. One of the kids even punched me in the stomach. My dad said I should go on disability. Question! Do you think I can go on disability? He said I wouldn’t have to work then. That’s awesome. I should have went on disability years ago. Then I could just go to concerts and WWE shows. Question! I heard WWE is coming to Dutch Wonderland, do you know if that’s true? I hope it is. It’d be way better than going to Hershey. And if I win this pool, I’ll have more money for souvenirs. This week, I’ll take Green Bay -12. Question! Can you write Ken Shamrock on my sub?

Boiler Bill: I can’t say long. I have a meeting to discuss my idea of the Marino’s Coming Back Foundation. I can’t talk about it much, but basically, Marino’s coming back. I want Miami -3. MARINO’S COMING BACK!

James Varano’s Dad: Time to win them all. New England -7.5.

Week 14 Pick Summary
Ken Stewart- San Francisco -3.5
Michael Cummings- Green Bay -12
Boiler Bill- Miami -3
James Varano’s Dad- New England -7.5

Pugliese’s Pick’em Party

Here are the standings for the group through Week 13 plus Thursday’s Steelers/Browns game.

I had the best record of the week (12-4) and my mom is in third place. That’s all the really matters.

NFL Survivor Pool

Anthony and Jeff are still battling for second place. Anthony took the Jets last week and Jeff took the Patriots, both of whom were winners.

Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week

Fuckin’ pay me!

Fictitious Football Front Page

Fastest To Forty: Gronkowski Smashes NFL Drinking Record

After his three-touchdown performance against Indianapolis, Rob Gronkowski knew he was going to celebrate after the game. He just didn’t know he’d be doing it at a historical pace.

“He’s a beast,” said Patriots wide receiver Deion Branch. “In all my years in this league, I’ve never seen anyone who could score and drink like him. It’s unbelievable.”

Gronkowski put down forty beers (yes, forty) after the tilt against the Colts, destroying a record that had not been touched in nearly 15 years. Teammates were shocked, but not surprised by Gronkowski’s abilities.

“When you see how he plays on the field, you can tell he’s a warrior,” said Patriots offensive tackle Matt Light. “He never quits and he’s always fighting for the end zone. But he took it to another level today. Three touchdowns and forty beers? That’s Hall of Fame material there.”

Tom Brady, the future Hall of Fame quarterback himself, not only provided Gronkowski with the touchdown passes, but also the beers he consumed so mightily. “I passed him the ball all over the field. Left, right, middle, short, deep. He was open everywhere. Then I passed him beers all over the locker room. Left, right, middle, short, deep. It’s the same story. He was open everywhere.”

When asked about the accomplishment, Gronkowski was complimentary of the people around him. “You know, without the great coaching, without my great teammates, without the great fans who cheer us on, I’m nothing. But now that I have this great opportunity, I have to give 110%. I gotta give it my all. Leave it all on the field. And that’s what I did today.”

Even Bill Belichick showed some emotion when talking about his young, talented tight end. “He’s a tough kid. He plays hard. Glad to have him here.”

Gronkowski’s forty brews smashed the old record of 27, previously held by former defensive lineman Tony Siragusa. “Goose” set the mark back in 1997 after finishing his first training camp with the Baltimore Ravens.

After wrapping up interviews with the media, Gronkowski, accompanied by fellow tight end Aaron Hernandez, left the locker room demanding fast food and more beer. Sources say that Gronkowski had to be escorted out of a Foxboro Burger King ten minutes later by a couple of Patriot players after falling asleep in a booth.

In the midst of the drunken spectacle, however, Gronkowski did make a prediction that will definitely ring true. “Tell Coach I’ll need some aspirin tomorrow. A lot.”

Other FFFP Headlines
Bake Mistake: Jason Garrett Criticized For Icing His Own Cake
Kryptonite: Creators Of Superman Sue Cam Newton For TD Celebration
Excessive Celebration: San Fran To Hold Parade For 49ers Division Title
Intentional Grounding: Detroit Lions Flagged For Bag Fees By Southwest Airlines

Pugliese Power Ratings

And let’s wrap this shit up son.

Enjoy Week 14. It might be the last for some of you.

No, “crunch time” is not just what Ken Griffey said before the bottom of the ninth inning in his Nintendo 64 baseball game (great game). It’s December and December is crunch time. Offices are busy, fitting in as much as they can before the year is over. Parents are frantically searching malls and websites, looking for all the gifts that are supposed to come from Santa (SPOILER ALERT!). Even the weather has been in a crunch lately, trying to push out as many unseasonably mild days as possible (I’ll take it), before we go into the depressing deep freeze that is winter.

So what does this have to do with football, fantasy and real? Everything. Teams that started the season hot are trying to fend off a late-season collapse. Squads which struggled early are fighting for relevancy and a comeback. Playoff pictures are coming into focus, but not much time remains before they are set in stone. Basically, it’s all about a shot at getting to the big one.

That’s not exactly the big one I was referencing, but what the hell? Let’s get to the football.

God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 12 Recap

Gay Landscaper 176.51, I H8 U 127.70- Gay Landscaper nearly matched the league scoring record (which they currently own) in their destruction of I H8 U. The Landscapers are all but in the Championship Bracket, as they only need one win over the next two weeks to guarantee a spot. Conversely, I H8 U is nowhere near anything resembling a championship. They are, however, on the cusp of clinching next year’s #2 overall draft spot.

I’m Rick James Bitch 145.72, Hater of the Year 136.40- A furious Monday night comeback nearly put Hater on top, but it was too little, too late, as they dropped their third contest in a row. The victory was significant for I’m Rick James Bitch, pushing the team into third place and at the front of the 7-5 pack.

NiggerBook 128.58, shirts vs. blouses 109.60- The result put both squads into the 7-5 crowd, which is something that is especially unfavorable for SVB. In terms of total points, SVB is ranked ninth in the league, which means that if they want to make the Championship Bracket, they’ll have to rely on wins, not the points tiebreaker.

Samuel Jackson Beer 120.15, Negrodamus 67.02- An uncharacteristically poor performance from Negrodamus made this an easy win for SJB. It’s only the second time this season that Negrodamus failed to rack up at least a hundred points, with the first occurrence happening in Week 1, when the team scored 99 points. The blowout loss was also the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week.

Red Balls 114.54, Fuck Your Couch 93.98- Red Balls stays alive in the Championship Bracket hunt, dealing Fuck Your Couch a significant blow to their title defense efforts. While both teams are long shots to make the top four, there is still a glimmer of hope. A hope of most likely being destroyed by a superior opponent.

The Only Girl Here 130.33, Wexler HFB 102.53- Wexler put up a good fight, scoring in the triple digits for only the third time this season, but it wasn’t enough to contain TOGH’s production. Thanks to this week’s results, TOGH cannot make the top four, which is quite absurd, considering they are ranked second in the league in total points scored.

So here are the standings after Week 12. Only two weeks of regular season action to go.

Current Playoff Picture

Championship Bracket
(1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) Samuel Jackson Beer
(2) Hater of the Year vs. (3) I’m Rick James Bitch

Consolation Bracket
(5) NiggerBook vs. (8) Red Balls
(6) shirts vs. blouses vs. (7) Negrodamus

Playing Tennis On The Moon
(9) Fuck Your Couch
(10) The Only Girl Here (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
(11) I H8 U (eliminated from all postseason contention)
(12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from all postseason contention)

God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 13 Preview

Gay Landscaper vs. shirts vs. blouses- shirts vs. blouses won their previous meeting in Week 4. Gay Landscaper can avenge their loss to SVB and clinch a Championship Bracket spot with a victory. It’s tough to argue that there is a better team than the Landscapers right now. They have the best record, the most points, and have not scored less than 120 points in a game since Week 7.

Hater of the Year vs. NiggerBook- NiggerBook won their previous meeting in Week 4. Hater of the Year will try to end their three-game losing streak, but they’ll be running into yet another buzzsaw this week. NiggerBook has completely turned around their season after previously losing four games in a row. The fact that NiggerBook has averaged 130 points over the last four weeks does not bode well for Hater’s shot at a victory.

I’m Rick James Bitch vs. Fuck Your Couch- Fuck Your Couch won their previous meeting in Week 4. This is a must-win for Fuck Your Couch, as another loss would most likely eliminate them from Championship Bracket contention. A win for I’m Rick James Bitch would keep the pressure on the rest of the 7-5 teams to win their matchups this week.

Samuel Jackson Beer vs. The Only Girl Here- Samuel Jackson Beer won their previous meeting in Week 4. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And with The Only Girl Here now eliminated from Championship Bracket contention, the team can try to spoil the championship dreams that their opponents currently hold.

Negrodamus vs. Red Balls- Red Balls won their previous meeting in Week 4. With both teams at 6-6, this game is basically a playoff. The winner earns a better chance at obtaining a top four spot. The loser will most likely be relegated to the Consolation Bracket at best.

I H8 U vs. Wexler HFB- I H8 U won their previous meeting in Week 4. It’s the Toilet Bowl. Both teams have endured rough seasons. This game is all about personal pride. That’s your cue Cantafio.

Playoff Scenarios
Gay Landscaper- Clinches a Championship Bracket spot with a win. Clinches top seed with a win and a Hater of the Year loss.
Hater of the Year- Clinches a Championship Bracket spot with a win and two losses between I’m Rick James Bitch, Samuel Jackson Beer, or shirts vs. blouses.

Rooting For…
In an effort to make things easier on everyone, I made a list of each team in the hunt for the Championship Bracket and the teams they should be rooting for (aside from themselves) in Week 13. You can thank my inner nerd later.

Gay Landscaper- rooting for NiggerBook
Hater of the Year- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
I’m Rick James Bitch- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, and The Only Girl Here
Samuel Jackson Beer- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, and Fuck Your Couch
NiggerBook- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
shirts vs. blouses- rooting for Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Negrodamus- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Red Balls- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Fuck Your Couch- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Red Balls, and The Only Girl Here

NFL – Week 12 Recap

I already talked about the Thanksgiving games in last week’s post, but here are the scores.

Packers 27, Lions 15
Cowboys 20, Dolphins 19

Ravens 16, 49ers 6

And now to Sunday’s (and Monday’s) action.

Texans 20, Jaguars 13- And just like that, the Matt Leinart Era in Houston is over. Thanks to a broken collarbone, Leinart will miss the rest of the season. Similarly, the Jacksonville front office decided to pull the plug on the Jack Del Rio Experience. It was nowhere near as successful as the Jimi Hendrix Experience.

Panthers 27, Colts 19- A winless season for the Colts is looking more and more possible with each loss. Of their five remaining games, only one opponent has a losing record. Jacksonville, Week 17. Hey, by then, they should have the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes all wrapped up.

Bengals 23, Browns 20- After trailing most of the game, the Bengals came back and took down the Browns with a last-minute field goal. You know, speaking of future schedules, I would not want to be Cleveland. They get Baltimore at home, then they go on the road three games in a row (Pittsburgh, Arizona, and Baltimore), and then they get to come home to finish the season against Pittsburgh.

Jets 28, Bills 24- So unless you live under a rock, you’ve heard about the Stevie Johnson touchdown celebration. Here it is.

Chan Gailey, head coach of the Bills, said that Stevie has “bad judgment in critical times.” My response: “Uhhh. Yeah.” That’s from Schmitt’s Gay. Zach Good, if you’re reading, you understand.

Titans 23, Buccaneers 17- Chris Johnson finally had a day that’s worthy of a multimillion dollar contract and Matt Hasselbeck found Kenny Stewart’s favorite receiver, Damian Williams, in the back of the end zone for the go-ahead score. At 6-5, the Titans are keeping pressure on Houston to not give up the AFC South lead.

Falcons 24, Vikings 14- So I was searching YouTube for a clip from the game to put here and I found this.

After investigating his channel, apparently, MattyB is trying to be the next Justin Bieber. He’s got the voice. He’s got the hair. And he’s got love for Sean Kingston. And he’s not dead. And yeah.

Cardinals 23, Rams 20- The man named Beanie (actually, it’s Chris) ran for a career-high 228 yards and a touchdown, while Patrick Peterson (not to be confused with Peter Patrickson) ran another punt back for a score, leading the Cardinals to victory. The punt return touchdown was Peterson’s fourth of the season, and second against the Rams. Note to NFL: don’t punt to Patrick Peterson.

Redskins 23, Seahawks 17- The six-game losing streak in Washington is over. Rex Grossman morphed back into Sex Cannon form, leading the Redskins to 16 unanswered points in the fourth quarter. Another positive is that Jabar Gaffney refrained from telling any Twitter users to kill themselves. Things are looking up in the nation’s capital.

Patriots 38, Eagles 20- This looks like the dagger in Philadelphia’s postseason dream. At 4-7, they would need to win out and hope for an epic amount of collapsing from the Cowboys, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Falcons. Hey, it could happen. First, they just have to take care of those pesky Seahawks…

Broncos 16, Chargers 13- Have you heard about this Nick Novak fella? If you haven’t, he’s the kicker for the Chargers, and he was caught on camera taking a leak on the sideline. Then he missed two field goals that could have won the game. Novak pissed away that chance.

You know, Tim Tebow is making the single wing popular in football again. Last time I saw a popular single win, I was on my last of three dozen at Hooter’s.

Take my wife please.

Raiders 25, Bears 20- Chris Berman’s “Dehhh Raidehhhs” took out the Superfans’ “Daaaa Bearssss,” thanks to the leg of a drunken Pollock.

A clip of Brent Musburger saying “That was a cheap shot!” from The Waterboy would be more appropriate, but I can’t find it on YouTube. Just use your imagination.

Steelers 13, Chiefs 9- Apparently, Pittsburgh doesn’t believe in showing their talent on Sunday nights. They struggled against the Colts early in the year, then lost to the Ravens in the last seconds, and now just barely beat the Chiefs. If they don’t pick their shit up, they can forget about football and start watching TV.

By the way, I can’t wait for that Dynasty episode!

Saints 49, Giants 24- The Saints are an offensive machine and the Giants’ free fall continues. I got nothing else.

NFL – Week 13 Preview

Here’s how the games rate out for Week 13.

Atlanta at Houston (1 PM)- It’s December, which means it’s choke time in Houston. And with the quarterback group of T.J. Yates, Kellen Clemens, and Jake Delhomme, the Texans are fully prepared to crash and burn. I guess “Houston, we have a problem” is totally apropos.

Green Bay at New York Giants (4:15 PM)- After facing the second-highest scoring team in the league last week, the Giants face an uphill battle against the top scoring team in the league this week. Oh yeah. They’re undefeated too. Go Pack go.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1 PM)- If Cincinnati wants to make a serious push for a playoff spot, winning in Pittsburgh is imperative. It’s just not easy.

Detroit at New Orleans (8:20 PM)- This matchup is a fantasy football wet dream. The over/under for this game is 54 points, which is very high. In comparison, the average over/under for this week is 43 points. But of course, all this hype about offense and points means that the game will probably end up with a final score of 13-10. Great.

Tennessee at Buffalo (1 PM)- The time is now for the Titans. With Houston depleted at quarterback, Tennessee needs to get hot if they want a chance at the AFC South title and a playoff spot. In other news, I hope Stevie Johnson celebrates a touchdown in this game by pretending to sit on a toilet, eating a sandwich, and fall over. That’s Elvis, people.

Oakland at Miami (1 PM)- The Dolphins may be out of the playoff race, but they can sure make things tough on Oakland. The Raiders are barely holding on to the AFC West lead, with the Fighting Tebows in Denver right on their heels. Rolando McClain, linebacker for the Raiders, probably won’t play. He was too busy entertaining himself while being arrested.

Dallas at Arizona (4:15 PM)- To quote Jules Winnfield, Dallas has got to appreciate what an explosive element this Week 13 situation is. A win in Arizona, plus a Giants loss against Green Bay, paired with a Cowboys win next week against the same Giants, and the NFC East title is basically locked up.

Baltimore at Cleveland (4:05 PM)- I imagine Cleveland fans still hate Art Modell for moving the original Browns to Baltimore in 1996. If you think about it, without that manuver, the current Ravens would still be in Cleveland, meaning they might actually be a good team, and (gasp!) might have a Super Bowl title under their belts. But it’s Cleveland, a town not known for making well-rounded front office decisions, so I’m sure they would have fucked it up.

Denver at Minnesota (1 PM)- I feel like if there’s one guy who can stop Tim Tebow, it’s Jared Allen. The man is a freak. I mean, who kills a wild buffalo with one arrow?

New York Jets at Washington (1 PM)- I’m giving this game a letdown alert for the Jets. The Redskins are home after their win at Seattle last week, where they finally learned how to score again, and the Jets were in quite the battle last week against Buffalo. Don’t be surprised if the Jets come out flat.

Kansas City at Chicago (1 PM)- It’s odd timing that these two squads face each other, since both were a part of the hallowed Kyle Orton Sweepstakes, with Kansas City winning of course. Now Orton gets the opportunity to possibly play against the team that gave up on him to pick up Jay Cutler.

Carolina at Tampa Bay (1 PM)- The Bucs are busting out the retro creamsicle jerseys for this game. Sweet.

St. Louis at San Francisco (4:15 PM)- San Francisco can claim the NFC West title with an win and end a playoff appearance drought that goes back to 2002. Or…

Seahawks 31, Eagles 14- If the Seahawks win all their remaining games, the 49ers lose all their remaining games, and the Seahawks win the tiebreaker, Seattle’s taking the NFC West. I think there’s a better chance at winning the lottery.

San Diego at Jacksonville (Monday, 8:30 PM)- Late season Monday night games are always a crapshoot. Sometimes, the game is a gem. Other times, it’s a dud. This one is no gem.

Indianapolis at New England (1 PM)- New England is a 20.5 point favorite. That’s the equivalent of a 56 point line in a University of Oregon/Nicholls State tilt. And yeah, that’s a real school.

And with that, it’s time for a music break. Today’s music break is brought to you by Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce, the only hot sauce guaranteed to make you shed tears of joy. Former NFL running back Vaughn Dunbar has hit pay dirt in the hot sauce industry and will now be bringing his best-selling product to a national audience. The former Saint’s secret blend of aged cayenne, chile, habanero, and ghost peppers, along with various spices, have made Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce the preferred hot sauce in the southeastern United States. Now families and restaurants all around the country can enjoy some mouth-watering hot sauce and a few happy tears without having to travel to the Bayou. So don’t delay and pick up some Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce at your local grocer and start crying tears of joy.

J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Football Pool

Everyone made a winning pick last week except for James Varano’s dad. Here are the updated pool standings.

And now to the picks.

Ken Stewart: Hey there young Joseph. How’s it going there dude? You beat up your dad yet? I’m telling you, listen to me, you need to beat him up since you’re working all the time while he’s off. I know I’d beat him up if I were you. I wish I could beat up Patty sometimes, but then I’d have to go to the pwism. That’s not good dude. Can’t make money that way. Ehhhh. I need a cayshun dude. I work too much. You and me young Joseph. How about this? You work for your dad and then you come work for me. How’s that? You’ll even get time and a half. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. Well I got another pick right last week. What do I have, like 85 points? What? I have 15? DAAAAMMMMNNNNN! That’s cwazy as hell dude. I need to keep winning my picks so I can get the gwand prize. I’ll go with Atlanta -2.5 this week. OK dude. Back to work for me dude. Stay outta twouble young Joe. Don’t get mahweed.

Michael Cummings: Question! Have you been to the Build-A-Bear place in the mall? I got a job there for the Christmas season because my dad was getting on my case at Thanksgiving dinner. Working there is going to stink. I can’t wear style shirts or my *NSYNC jacket. I have to wear their ugly uniform. Question! Would you wear the uniform or what you wanted? The one good thing about working at the mall is that I can come here for my lunch breaks. I can even walk over while listening to my CD player and my new Hoobastank CD. I can’t wait for that. But hopefully I can keep this lead in the pool and win the money because then I can quit my job. That would be awesome. I’ll take the New York Jets -3 this week. Question! Can you write X-Pac on my sub?

Boiler Bill: Another win for me. I’m better than an overworked boiler in the dog days of August. It’s all because of Dan Marino. You know he’s coming back, right? That’ll be the best day of my life. I’m gonna order like 50 I-talian subs that day. And then I’ll bathe in motor oil and dry off with a Marino jersey. That’d make me a boiler god. I can’t wait. Give me Miami -3. MARINO’S COMING BACK!

James Varano’s Dad: If I don’t win this pool, I’ll kick your ass. Kansas City +7.5.

Week 13 Pick Summary
Ken Stewart- Atlanta -2.5
Michael Cummings- New York Jets -3
Boiler Bill- Miami -3
James Varano’s Dad- Kansas City +7.5

Pugliese’s Pick’em Party

Here are the updated standings after Week 12 and Thursday’s Eagles/Seahawks game.

Best Week 12Record- John went 14-2 and took back first place.
Worst Week 12 Record- Al and Pat missed their picks and went 0-16.
Most Correctly Picked Game- Everyone selected Atlanta over Minnesota.
Least Correctly Picked Game- Only Greg, Mike, and Zach selected Denver over San Diego.
Shock of Week 12- My mom went 13-3 and has been leaving a majority of the family in the dust. Crazy.

NFL Survivor Pool

I don’t feel like putting the chart up right now, but the battle between Anthony and Jeff for second place continues. Anthony correctly picked Cincinnati last week, while Jeff correctly picked New Orleans.

Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week

That’s the sickest mothafucka I ever seen in the alley son!

Fictitious Football Front Page

Working For The Man: Del Rio Accepts Crew Chief Position At Buffalo Wild Wings

As soon as Jack Del Rio was relieved of his head coaching duties in Jacksonville, his phone rang off the hook. Was it another NFL team looking for an assistant coach? Was it a university trying to fill a vacant role? Was it Jacksonville ownership calling to say they made a mistake?

Well, it was Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings, that is.

“We love Coach Del Rio here at Buffalo Wild Wings and we think he’d be a great addition to the Buffalo Wild Wings family,” said Donnie Sheppard, owner of the Buffalo Wild Wings franchise in Jacksonville. “He’s very professional, he’s OK with wearing a uniform, and he can help our less experienced employees grow into restaurant superstars. What’s not to like?”

After the job was offered, Del Rio accepted the position immediately, stating his interest in the franchise and his intent on taking a lower stress job. “I love Buffalo Wild Wings. Great atmosphere there with all the TVs and sports memorabilia. They got every game you’d want to watch. And the food is just phenomenal. Where else can I get mango habanero sauce?”

Del Rio also wasted no time filling his support staff, enlisting Michael Cassidy as his Assistant Crew Chief. Cassidy is best known for his commitment to efficiency in the food service industry for over a decade. Upon announcement of the position, Cassidy tweeted “getting granny panties moist at buffalo wild wings with jack del rio. can’t wait.”

The crew chief position will be a huge pay cut for Del Rio, as he’ll earn a wage in the $15 per hour range. Contract terms have not yet been made public. Buffalo Wild Wings also confirmed Del Rio will be the first employee that also has their signature posted on the restaurant’s walls. He signed a Jaguars 2008 season poster that resides in the host area of the establishment.

While Del Rio will miss football, he’s upbeat about his future. “Sure, I’m not the coach of the Jaguars any more, but this is just great. Sports 24/7 here and Jaguar games on Sunday. It’ll be just like I was there. Minus the $30 parking. Seriously, that shit is out of hand.”

Other FFFP Headlines
Shot In The Dark: Jeff George Calls Texans About Quarterback Duties
Potty Mouth: Jim Harbaugh Calls Brother John “Poopyhead” After Loss
Deja Vu: Stevie Johnson Celebrates Paying Fine, Fined Again
Reverse Jinx?: Indianapolis Business Prints 0-16 T-Shirts

Pugliese Power Rankings

Best Jump- I’m Rick James Bitch (up 5 spots)
Worst Fall- Negrodamus (down 7 spots)

Best Jump- Washington (up 9 spots), Carolina (up 7 spots), Dallas/Oakland/Arizona (up 4 spots)
Worst Fall- Chicago (down 11 spots), San Francisco (down 6 spots), Detroit/Miami (down 4 spots)

And it’s over. Music please.

Enjoy Week 13.