No, “crunch time” is not just what Ken Griffey said before the bottom of the ninth inning in his Nintendo 64 baseball game (great game). It’s December and December is crunch time. Offices are busy, fitting in as much as they can before the year is over. Parents are frantically searching malls and websites, looking for all the gifts that are supposed to come from Santa (SPOILER ALERT!). Even the weather has been in a crunch lately, trying to push out as many unseasonably mild days as possible (I’ll take it), before we go into the depressing deep freeze that is winter.
So what does this have to do with football, fantasy and real? Everything. Teams that started the season hot are trying to fend off a late-season collapse. Squads which struggled early are fighting for relevancy and a comeback. Playoff pictures are coming into focus, but not much time remains before they are set in stone. Basically, it’s all about a shot at getting to the big one.
That’s not exactly the big one I was referencing, but what the hell? Let’s get to the football.
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 12 Recap
Gay Landscaper 176.51, I H8 U 127.70- Gay Landscaper nearly matched the league scoring record (which they currently own) in their destruction of I H8 U. The Landscapers are all but in the Championship Bracket, as they only need one win over the next two weeks to guarantee a spot. Conversely, I H8 U is nowhere near anything resembling a championship. They are, however, on the cusp of clinching next year’s #2 overall draft spot.
I’m Rick James Bitch 145.72, Hater of the Year 136.40- A furious Monday night comeback nearly put Hater on top, but it was too little, too late, as they dropped their third contest in a row. The victory was significant for I’m Rick James Bitch, pushing the team into third place and at the front of the 7-5 pack.
NiggerBook 128.58, shirts vs. blouses 109.60- The result put both squads into the 7-5 crowd, which is something that is especially unfavorable for SVB. In terms of total points, SVB is ranked ninth in the league, which means that if they want to make the Championship Bracket, they’ll have to rely on wins, not the points tiebreaker.
Samuel Jackson Beer 120.15, Negrodamus 67.02- An uncharacteristically poor performance from Negrodamus made this an easy win for SJB. It’s only the second time this season that Negrodamus failed to rack up at least a hundred points, with the first occurrence happening in Week 1, when the team scored 99 points. The blowout loss was also the Ken Stewart DAAAAAMMMNNN of the Week.
Red Balls 114.54, Fuck Your Couch 93.98- Red Balls stays alive in the Championship Bracket hunt, dealing Fuck Your Couch a significant blow to their title defense efforts. While both teams are long shots to make the top four, there is still a glimmer of hope. A hope of most likely being destroyed by a superior opponent.
The Only Girl Here 130.33, Wexler HFB 102.53- Wexler put up a good fight, scoring in the triple digits for only the third time this season, but it wasn’t enough to contain TOGH’s production. Thanks to this week’s results, TOGH cannot make the top four, which is quite absurd, considering they are ranked second in the league in total points scored.
So here are the standings after Week 12. Only two weeks of regular season action to go.
Current Playoff Picture
(1) Gay Landscaper vs. (4) Samuel Jackson Beer
(2) Hater of the Year vs. (3) I’m Rick James Bitch
(5) NiggerBook vs. (8) Red Balls
(6) shirts vs. blouses vs. (7) Negrodamus
Playing Tennis On The Moon
(9) Fuck Your Couch
(10) The Only Girl Here (eliminated from Championship Bracket contention)
(11) I H8 U (eliminated from all postseason contention)
(12) Wexler HFB (eliminated from all postseason contention)
God Hates The Eagles 3.0 – Week 13 Preview
Gay Landscaper vs. shirts vs. blouses- shirts vs. blouses won their previous meeting in Week 4. Gay Landscaper can avenge their loss to SVB and clinch a Championship Bracket spot with a victory. It’s tough to argue that there is a better team than the Landscapers right now. They have the best record, the most points, and have not scored less than 120 points in a game since Week 7.
Hater of the Year vs. NiggerBook- NiggerBook won their previous meeting in Week 4. Hater of the Year will try to end their three-game losing streak, but they’ll be running into yet another buzzsaw this week. NiggerBook has completely turned around their season after previously losing four games in a row. The fact that NiggerBook has averaged 130 points over the last four weeks does not bode well for Hater’s shot at a victory.
I’m Rick James Bitch vs. Fuck Your Couch- Fuck Your Couch won their previous meeting in Week 4. This is a must-win for Fuck Your Couch, as another loss would most likely eliminate them from Championship Bracket contention. A win for I’m Rick James Bitch would keep the pressure on the rest of the 7-5 teams to win their matchups this week.
Samuel Jackson Beer vs. The Only Girl Here- Samuel Jackson Beer won their previous meeting in Week 4. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And with The Only Girl Here now eliminated from Championship Bracket contention, the team can try to spoil the championship dreams that their opponents currently hold.
Negrodamus vs. Red Balls- Red Balls won their previous meeting in Week 4. With both teams at 6-6, this game is basically a playoff. The winner earns a better chance at obtaining a top four spot. The loser will most likely be relegated to the Consolation Bracket at best.
I H8 U vs. Wexler HFB- I H8 U won their previous meeting in Week 4. It’s the Toilet Bowl. Both teams have endured rough seasons. This game is all about personal pride. That’s your cue Cantafio.
Gay Landscaper- Clinches a Championship Bracket spot with a win. Clinches top seed with a win and a Hater of the Year loss.
Hater of the Year- Clinches a Championship Bracket spot with a win and two losses between I’m Rick James Bitch, Samuel Jackson Beer, or shirts vs. blouses.
In an effort to make things easier on everyone, I made a list of each team in the hunt for the Championship Bracket and the teams they should be rooting for (aside from themselves) in Week 13. You can thank my inner nerd later.
Gay Landscaper- rooting for NiggerBook
Hater of the Year- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
I’m Rick James Bitch- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, and The Only Girl Here
Samuel Jackson Beer- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, and Fuck Your Couch
NiggerBook- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
shirts vs. blouses- rooting for Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Negrodamus- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Red Balls- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Fuck Your Couch, and The Only Girl Here
Fuck Your Couch- rooting for Gay Landscaper, Hater of the Year, Red Balls, and The Only Girl Here
NFL – Week 12 Recap
I already talked about the Thanksgiving games in last week’s post, but here are the scores.
Packers 27, Lions 15
Cowboys 20, Dolphins 19
Ravens 16, 49ers 6
And now to Sunday’s (and Monday’s) action.
Texans 20, Jaguars 13- And just like that, the Matt Leinart Era in Houston is over. Thanks to a broken collarbone, Leinart will miss the rest of the season. Similarly, the Jacksonville front office decided to pull the plug on the Jack Del Rio Experience. It was nowhere near as successful as the Jimi Hendrix Experience.
Panthers 27, Colts 19- A winless season for the Colts is looking more and more possible with each loss. Of their five remaining games, only one opponent has a losing record. Jacksonville, Week 17. Hey, by then, they should have the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes all wrapped up.
Bengals 23, Browns 20- After trailing most of the game, the Bengals came back and took down the Browns with a last-minute field goal. You know, speaking of future schedules, I would not want to be Cleveland. They get Baltimore at home, then they go on the road three games in a row (Pittsburgh, Arizona, and Baltimore), and then they get to come home to finish the season against Pittsburgh.
Jets 28, Bills 24- So unless you live under a rock, you’ve heard about the Stevie Johnson touchdown celebration. Here it is.
Chan Gailey, head coach of the Bills, said that Stevie has “bad judgment in critical times.” My response: “Uhhh. Yeah.” That’s from Schmitt’s Gay. Zach Good, if you’re reading, you understand.
Titans 23, Buccaneers 17- Chris Johnson finally had a day that’s worthy of a multimillion dollar contract and Matt Hasselbeck found Kenny Stewart’s favorite receiver, Damian Williams, in the back of the end zone for the go-ahead score. At 6-5, the Titans are keeping pressure on Houston to not give up the AFC South lead.
Falcons 24, Vikings 14- So I was searching YouTube for a clip from the game to put here and I found this.
After investigating his channel, apparently, MattyB is trying to be the next Justin Bieber. He’s got the voice. He’s got the hair. And he’s got love for Sean Kingston. And he’s not dead. And yeah.
Cardinals 23, Rams 20- The man named Beanie (actually, it’s Chris) ran for a career-high 228 yards and a touchdown, while Patrick Peterson (not to be confused with Peter Patrickson) ran another punt back for a score, leading the Cardinals to victory. The punt return touchdown was Peterson’s fourth of the season, and second against the Rams. Note to NFL: don’t punt to Patrick Peterson.
Redskins 23, Seahawks 17- The six-game losing streak in Washington is over. Rex Grossman morphed back into Sex Cannon form, leading the Redskins to 16 unanswered points in the fourth quarter. Another positive is that Jabar Gaffney refrained from telling any Twitter users to kill themselves. Things are looking up in the nation’s capital.
Patriots 38, Eagles 20- This looks like the dagger in Philadelphia’s postseason dream. At 4-7, they would need to win out and hope for an epic amount of collapsing from the Cowboys, Giants, Bears, Lions, and Falcons. Hey, it could happen. First, they just have to take care of those pesky Seahawks…
Broncos 16, Chargers 13- Have you heard about this Nick Novak fella? If you haven’t, he’s the kicker for the Chargers, and he was caught on camera taking a leak on the sideline. Then he missed two field goals that could have won the game. Novak pissed away that chance.
You know, Tim Tebow is making the single wing popular in football again. Last time I saw a popular single win, I was on my last of three dozen at Hooter’s.
Take my wife please.
Raiders 25, Bears 20- Chris Berman’s “Dehhh Raidehhhs” took out the Superfans’ “Daaaa Bearssss,” thanks to the leg of a drunken Pollock.
A clip of Brent Musburger saying “That was a cheap shot!” from The Waterboy would be more appropriate, but I can’t find it on YouTube. Just use your imagination.
Steelers 13, Chiefs 9- Apparently, Pittsburgh doesn’t believe in showing their talent on Sunday nights. They struggled against the Colts early in the year, then lost to the Ravens in the last seconds, and now just barely beat the Chiefs. If they don’t pick their shit up, they can forget about football and start watching TV.
By the way, I can’t wait for that Dynasty episode!
Saints 49, Giants 24- The Saints are an offensive machine and the Giants’ free fall continues. I got nothing else.
NFL – Week 13 Preview
Here’s how the games rate out for Week 13.
Atlanta at Houston (1 PM)- It’s December, which means it’s choke time in Houston. And with the quarterback group of T.J. Yates, Kellen Clemens, and Jake Delhomme, the Texans are fully prepared to crash and burn. I guess “Houston, we have a problem” is totally apropos.
Green Bay at New York Giants (4:15 PM)- After facing the second-highest scoring team in the league last week, the Giants face an uphill battle against the top scoring team in the league this week. Oh yeah. They’re undefeated too. Go Pack go.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1 PM)- If Cincinnati wants to make a serious push for a playoff spot, winning in Pittsburgh is imperative. It’s just not easy.
Detroit at New Orleans (8:20 PM)- This matchup is a fantasy football wet dream. The over/under for this game is 54 points, which is very high. In comparison, the average over/under for this week is 43 points. But of course, all this hype about offense and points means that the game will probably end up with a final score of 13-10. Great.
Tennessee at Buffalo (1 PM)- The time is now for the Titans. With Houston depleted at quarterback, Tennessee needs to get hot if they want a chance at the AFC South title and a playoff spot. In other news, I hope Stevie Johnson celebrates a touchdown in this game by pretending to sit on a toilet, eating a sandwich, and fall over. That’s Elvis, people.
Oakland at Miami (1 PM)- The Dolphins may be out of the playoff race, but they can sure make things tough on Oakland. The Raiders are barely holding on to the AFC West lead, with the Fighting Tebows in Denver right on their heels. Rolando McClain, linebacker for the Raiders, probably won’t play. He was too busy entertaining himself while being arrested.
Dallas at Arizona (4:15 PM)- To quote Jules Winnfield, Dallas has got to appreciate what an explosive element this Week 13 situation is. A win in Arizona, plus a Giants loss against Green Bay, paired with a Cowboys win next week against the same Giants, and the NFC East title is basically locked up.
Baltimore at Cleveland (4:05 PM)- I imagine Cleveland fans still hate Art Modell for moving the original Browns to Baltimore in 1996. If you think about it, without that manuver, the current Ravens would still be in Cleveland, meaning they might actually be a good team, and (gasp!) might have a Super Bowl title under their belts. But it’s Cleveland, a town not known for making well-rounded front office decisions, so I’m sure they would have fucked it up.
Denver at Minnesota (1 PM)- I feel like if there’s one guy who can stop Tim Tebow, it’s Jared Allen. The man is a freak. I mean, who kills a wild buffalo with one arrow?
New York Jets at Washington (1 PM)- I’m giving this game a letdown alert for the Jets. The Redskins are home after their win at Seattle last week, where they finally learned how to score again, and the Jets were in quite the battle last week against Buffalo. Don’t be surprised if the Jets come out flat.
Kansas City at Chicago (1 PM)- It’s odd timing that these two squads face each other, since both were a part of the hallowed Kyle Orton Sweepstakes, with Kansas City winning of course. Now Orton gets the opportunity to possibly play against the team that gave up on him to pick up Jay Cutler.
Carolina at Tampa Bay (1 PM)- The Bucs are busting out the retro creamsicle jerseys for this game. Sweet.
St. Louis at San Francisco (4:15 PM)- San Francisco can claim the NFC West title with an win and end a playoff appearance drought that goes back to 2002. Or…
Seahawks 31, Eagles 14- If the Seahawks win all their remaining games, the 49ers lose all their remaining games, and the Seahawks win the tiebreaker, Seattle’s taking the NFC West. I think there’s a better chance at winning the lottery.
San Diego at Jacksonville (Monday, 8:30 PM)- Late season Monday night games are always a crapshoot. Sometimes, the game is a gem. Other times, it’s a dud. This one is no gem.
Indianapolis at New England (1 PM)- New England is a 20.5 point favorite. That’s the equivalent of a 56 point line in a University of Oregon/Nicholls State tilt. And yeah, that’s a real school.
And with that, it’s time for a music break. Today’s music break is brought to you by Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce, the only hot sauce guaranteed to make you shed tears of joy. Former NFL running back Vaughn Dunbar has hit pay dirt in the hot sauce industry and will now be bringing his best-selling product to a national audience. The former Saint’s secret blend of aged cayenne, chile, habanero, and ghost peppers, along with various spices, have made Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce the preferred hot sauce in the southeastern United States. Now families and restaurants all around the country can enjoy some mouth-watering hot sauce and a few happy tears without having to travel to the Bayou. So don’t delay and pick up some Vaughn Dunbar’s Superdome Superhot Hot Sauce at your local grocer and start crying tears of joy.
J&R’s Pizza $25,000 Celebrity Customer Football Pool
Everyone made a winning pick last week except for James Varano’s dad. Here are the updated pool standings.
And now to the picks.
Ken Stewart: Hey there young Joseph. How’s it going there dude? You beat up your dad yet? I’m telling you, listen to me, you need to beat him up since you’re working all the time while he’s off. I know I’d beat him up if I were you. I wish I could beat up Patty sometimes, but then I’d have to go to the pwism. That’s not good dude. Can’t make money that way. Ehhhh. I need a cayshun dude. I work too much. You and me young Joseph. How about this? You work for your dad and then you come work for me. How’s that? You’ll even get time and a half. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. Well I got another pick right last week. What do I have, like 85 points? What? I have 15? DAAAAMMMMNNNNN! That’s cwazy as hell dude. I need to keep winning my picks so I can get the gwand prize. I’ll go with Atlanta -2.5 this week. OK dude. Back to work for me dude. Stay outta twouble young Joe. Don’t get mahweed.
Michael Cummings: Question! Have you been to the Build-A-Bear place in the mall? I got a job there for the Christmas season because my dad was getting on my case at Thanksgiving dinner. Working there is going to stink. I can’t wear style shirts or my *NSYNC jacket. I have to wear their ugly uniform. Question! Would you wear the uniform or what you wanted? The one good thing about working at the mall is that I can come here for my lunch breaks. I can even walk over while listening to my CD player and my new Hoobastank CD. I can’t wait for that. But hopefully I can keep this lead in the pool and win the money because then I can quit my job. That would be awesome. I’ll take the New York Jets -3 this week. Question! Can you write X-Pac on my sub?
Boiler Bill: Another win for me. I’m better than an overworked boiler in the dog days of August. It’s all because of Dan Marino. You know he’s coming back, right? That’ll be the best day of my life. I’m gonna order like 50 I-talian subs that day. And then I’ll bathe in motor oil and dry off with a Marino jersey. That’d make me a boiler god. I can’t wait. Give me Miami -3. MARINO’S COMING BACK!
James Varano’s Dad: If I don’t win this pool, I’ll kick your ass. Kansas City +7.5.
Week 13 Pick Summary
Ken Stewart- Atlanta -2.5
Michael Cummings- New York Jets -3
Boiler Bill- Miami -3
James Varano’s Dad- Kansas City +7.5
Pugliese’s Pick’em Party
Here are the updated standings after Week 12 and Thursday’s Eagles/Seahawks game.
Best Week 12Record- John went 14-2 and took back first place.
Worst Week 12 Record- Al and Pat missed their picks and went 0-16.
Most Correctly Picked Game- Everyone selected Atlanta over Minnesota.
Least Correctly Picked Game- Only Greg, Mike, and Zach selected Denver over San Diego.
Shock of Week 12- My mom went 13-3 and has been leaving a majority of the family in the dust. Crazy.
NFL Survivor Pool
I don’t feel like putting the chart up right now, but the battle between Anthony and Jeff for second place continues. Anthony correctly picked Cincinnati last week, while Jeff correctly picked New Orleans.
Chappelle’s Show Sketch of the Week
That’s the sickest mothafucka I ever seen in the alley son!
Fictitious Football Front Page
Working For The Man: Del Rio Accepts Crew Chief Position At Buffalo Wild Wings
As soon as Jack Del Rio was relieved of his head coaching duties in Jacksonville, his phone rang off the hook. Was it another NFL team looking for an assistant coach? Was it a university trying to fill a vacant role? Was it Jacksonville ownership calling to say they made a mistake?
Well, it was Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings, that is.
“We love Coach Del Rio here at Buffalo Wild Wings and we think he’d be a great addition to the Buffalo Wild Wings family,” said Donnie Sheppard, owner of the Buffalo Wild Wings franchise in Jacksonville. “He’s very professional, he’s OK with wearing a uniform, and he can help our less experienced employees grow into restaurant superstars. What’s not to like?”
After the job was offered, Del Rio accepted the position immediately, stating his interest in the franchise and his intent on taking a lower stress job. “I love Buffalo Wild Wings. Great atmosphere there with all the TVs and sports memorabilia. They got every game you’d want to watch. And the food is just phenomenal. Where else can I get mango habanero sauce?”
Del Rio also wasted no time filling his support staff, enlisting Michael Cassidy as his Assistant Crew Chief. Cassidy is best known for his commitment to efficiency in the food service industry for over a decade. Upon announcement of the position, Cassidy tweeted “getting granny panties moist at buffalo wild wings with jack del rio. can’t wait.”
The crew chief position will be a huge pay cut for Del Rio, as he’ll earn a wage in the $15 per hour range. Contract terms have not yet been made public. Buffalo Wild Wings also confirmed Del Rio will be the first employee that also has their signature posted on the restaurant’s walls. He signed a Jaguars 2008 season poster that resides in the host area of the establishment.
While Del Rio will miss football, he’s upbeat about his future. “Sure, I’m not the coach of the Jaguars any more, but this is just great. Sports 24/7 here and Jaguar games on Sunday. It’ll be just like I was there. Minus the $30 parking. Seriously, that shit is out of hand.”
Other FFFP Headlines
Shot In The Dark: Jeff George Calls Texans About Quarterback Duties
Potty Mouth: Jim Harbaugh Calls Brother John “Poopyhead” After Loss
Deja Vu: Stevie Johnson Celebrates Paying Fine, Fined Again
Reverse Jinx?: Indianapolis Business Prints 0-16 T-Shirts
Pugliese Power Rankings
Best Jump- I’m Rick James Bitch (up 5 spots)
Worst Fall- Negrodamus (down 7 spots)
Best Jump- Washington (up 9 spots), Carolina (up 7 spots), Dallas/Oakland/Arizona (up 4 spots)
Worst Fall- Chicago (down 11 spots), San Francisco (down 6 spots), Detroit/Miami (down 4 spots)
And it’s over. Music please.
Enjoy Week 13.